God's Incredible Love

God's Incredible Love

Posted by Candace

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life.  I am so glad and thankful to Jesus for getting me here to see it and sustaining me through this journey.  I would have regretted not coming here..not seeing my daughters homeland..listening to their language...getting to know their culture.  Praise be to my Lord for the miracle He has done!

I started the "gotcha" day as a ball of nerves.  It actually felt worse than my wedding day.  David and I ate breakfast and then took a swim in the chilly pool.  When it was finally time to leave, I wasn't sure if my legs would get me there, but they did.

We rode in the van to this little building about 20 minutes away.  We entered and went up to the 8th floor which is where the "Gotcha Room" is.  When we entered the room was completely full of new parents...some receiving their children and some waiting to receive their children.  It was what David fondly calls 'controlled chaos".  Screaming was the prevailing sound in the room, as several of the children were pulled away from the only caregivers they had ever known and put into the arms of their forever families.  My nerves escalated.  What were we doing?  Would Kate be one of the silent ones or one of the grieving ones?  We had only minutes to wait.

The other 2 families that we were with were called over first, so David and I offered to video and to take pics of their first moments.  We were crammed into this crowd of families receiving children trying to get phots and video of the right people...it was quite interesting.  Ten minutes after everyone with us had received their children we still had not spotted Kate.  David thought he saw her several times and about gave me a heart attack.  Our guide came over and told us that Kate's nanny was stuck in traffic so they would be there shortly.  My first thought was that this whole process had been completely in God's timing so we would be patient and wait.  Not that we had a choice, but waiting was the last thing that I wanted to do at the moment. 

Soon they were gesturing wildly for us to come.  She was here!  That moment is kinda a blur, but the thing that I will always remember is a woman turning towards us with Kate in her arms.  At first I didn't recognize my daughter though they were telling me she was ours, so I took a second look  into those big eyes and suddenly I knew it was her.  Not just in my mind...my heart connected to her and I knew she was meant to be ours...from the beginning of time.

Kate was very distraught about being seperated from her nanny.  She obviously loved her very much and was confused and scared to death.  She cried and screamed and I was hit with the first of many "mommy is helpless" moments.  It didn't matter how much I loved her, I could not make this better or easier for her.  We held her and kissed her and loved on her, but she didn't calm down until we left the building and only then because she had worn herself down.

There is so much more to write about like the fact that Kate is already a daddy's girl and that she has warmed up to us and bonded with us remarkable quickly and sometimes will not let anyone else hold her and the fact that we are worried for both of us to leave any room at the same time for fear she will think she has been abandoned again and how as I watch right now, David is loving her to sleep and she has her hand up on his shoulder so she will know he's there even after she closes her eyes.  So much to tell, but I am exhausted and I want to leave you with this.

This morning in the shower God hit me with a dose of his glory.  He said the same way that I love Kate is the same way He loves me and more besides.  The same way I watched her sweet face throughout the night enjoying my treasure, is the same way He watches me, enjoying me. "Why? Why God?  What have I done to make you love me?" I ask. "Kate could ask you the same thing."  He replies.  Love is freely given, not earned.  It must only be believed, accepted, and trusted. Wow! "Didn't I tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" He reminds.

We Have Arrived...

We Have Arrived...

Posted by Candace

I can only give glory to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for the fact that I am sitting in a hotel in China right now.  Even as I write those words, I ask myself, "What am I doing here and how did I get here?" lol.  We will find out today at 2pm.  I have jumped off the cliff and now I am believing that God will catch me. 
For some 20 hours of flight time, 2 layovers, a 12 hour time change, and a long taxi cab and train ride would be a piece of cake... for me it was smacking some of my biggest fears right in the face.  I have this never ending whispering in my ear of the enemy telling me that I can't do all of this.  God must really love adoption and this must really be leading to something glorious, because the spiritual battle feels constant.
We stayed in Hong Kong last night and it almost felt like America.  Very westernized.  People were friendly and most spoke English.  As we took the taxi ride to the train station, the expanse of this city that we missed in the dark was revealed. It looked almost nightmarish in the fog as buildings were stacked on all sides of us, everywhere.  Almost like a surreal dream...  We wound through tunnels and crossed huge bridges.
The train station was also huge and overwhelming.  Stores everywhere and people too.  We boarded the train to Guangzhou without even thinking we were about to see the China countryside.  The mood was tangibly different in Hong Kong then it is in China.  The feeling of oppression hangs gloomily over run down high rise after run down high rise.  Everyone hangs their clothes out to dry on the back of there units, so the buildings are littered with color that almost covers up the darkness and filth. Little shacks made of scrap metal are plentiful on the ground.  And the most overwhelming part is that sheer number and volume of people that live in this country, loved completely and amazingly by God, but may never know it!  How sad it makes my heart.  And now I know why Satan hates this thing we are doing so much. Cause God is transferring her out of darkness and into the Kingdom of the Son He loves.  In love, He predestined her to be adopted as a daughter through the Lord, Jesus Christ to the praise of His glorious grace.   She is not just ours...She is His!  I claim it.
It is difficult to be here.  Difficult on the body, the mind, the will, and the emotions.  So much that must be done and seemingly such a long time before we can return to our family and friends.  But there is such hope in the glory that God will bring to Himself through this process.  For once, I have chosen to make myself dreadfully uncomfortable for the cause of Christ (and I am not talking about the actual hotel we are staying at, because it is amazing!).  For once, I have begged God not to let me run and hide in my idea of life.  For once, I have asked Him to be glorified and to let that be the reward.  Am I proud of myself?  Not even close... I am nothing!  I need Him with every breath that I take. I have only done a smigden of my duty and even at that, it has barely begun.  But every time He reaches down into my heart and tugs me out of my self-focus and sets my eyes on His glorious face, it is worth it all.
Please pray for us... All of us.  We have not been in contact with our boys yet because of the craziness that is being on the other side of the world.  We will get our Kate today and a dream that I thought impossible just a few short days ago will come true as I stand there to be the first one to hold my baby and give her all the bonding love that should have been hers from the moment of her birth.  There are still battles to fight.  Pray that I will be strong, have a strong mind, endurance, perservereance and great peace.  Pray that I can eat and sleep.  Pray that Kate will not be traumatized in all of this and pray that David will stay as strong as he has been through this entire process.  The man can sleep or eat anywhere at anytime, darn it!
Please pray... we need you.  China needs you.  Kate needs you.  God never meant for us to do this alone.  Thank you so much for sustaining us with your petitions to heaven.  I will try to update again when she gets here... right now I have to go back to bed and try to get a little more sleep.

The Emotional RollerCoaster

The Emotional RollerCoaster

Posted by Candace

So if the adoption process was the "Mine Train", waiting to travel is the "Superman".  My emotions hang between excitement and panic, every now and then cresting the hills of each.  I simply am finding it hard to believe that in 3 days I will be boarding a plane and crossing the ocean to meet our little girl.

I apologize if I don't act as excited as you think I should be.  Sometimes you'll catch me in those moments that I have forgotten about the 20+ hour flight (there and back), the fact that I will be spending 2 weeks in a foreign country without my boys, and the 13 hour time difference, and you will only see the excitement of seeing a little girl's face for the first time.  Most of the time, however, you might be disappointed in my reaction as the trip that I am about to undertake weighs heavily on me.  I have actual had to pray on this one "Father, if it is possible take this cup from me.  Nevertheless not my will, but Your's be done".  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot do this myself, but I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will be with me every step of the way.  So as the minutes and hours tick away until the journey that I never in my lifetime thought I would take, I cling dependently to the One who is strong in my weakness.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I was naturally adventurous...that I don't want to love the unknown...that I long for a confidence that knows I can take on anything this world throws at me.  Unfortunately, I am still working on the whole losing my life thing and running toward danger stuff.  I believe that a life that follows Christ needs to include dreams that are bigger than us...that require a daily dependence on our God.  Meaning we need to be doing things that we can't do unless He shows up.  This is a scary place to be, because it requires trust in a Being that we can neither see, nor control.  It requires laying down our lives, so that He can receive glory through us.  This is not easy... it is a narrow path.  It is a path that winds through forests of suffering and pain, but it is also a path that leads to great peace and true faith.  We cannot walk this path on our own, and that is why it is so necessary, for He can do nothing great through us until we learn to cling to Him for our every breath.  This is a path that the world will never understand, because it magnifies our weakness in favor of His strength.  It asks us to sometimes suffer so that He may be glorified.  It makes us wait sometimes instead of gratifying ourselves instantly.  But the destination is gonna be worth it all.

In 3 days, I will embark on a journey that is sure to change my life forever.  I have already heard whispers from God that this journey will not end in China, but will only begin there.  Please pray that in all of this, He will be glorified.  Please ask that we will be mirrors to the world of our great God.  Please pray that we will have great peace and strong minds and bodies.  Please lift up our Kate and ask for the easiest, most beautiful transition possible.  And please end your prayers, petitioning our Saviour to have His way in all of this from beginning to end!

"Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth..."

We Have DATES!!!!

We Have DATES!!!!

Posted by Candace

So this week began for me with a frantic feeling of attempting to get ready, packed, and organized for this trip that could have been scheduled as early as Friday. As much as I cannot wait to meet my daughter, I also felt this overwhelming burden of needing to take care of and prepare for my sons. They are in the midst of their last quarter at school and Jordan is currently working on two different projects that are due in a couple of weeks. When we received the travel approval and David said to prepare to leave as early as Friday, the pressure began to pile up quickly. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were spent compiling a "to do" list that just kept getting longer and longer until I was completely overwhelmed. Not really the best state to begin the most challenging thing that you've ever done.

So I will not lie. I prayed and I prayed for a little more time to prepare. I told God that I didn't need much, but that I could not begin this trip completely stressed out and worried that my boys at home were not going to be completely taken care of. And God, being the gracious God that He is, gave me two more weeks. I have endured this wait for 60+ weeks, I can make it through two more, and I completely need them to make sure this transition works for my boys as well as it does for Kate and I.

David is a bit disappointed that we don't leave in 3 days, but we will be leaving on Friday, May the 4th and arriving in China on Sunday, May the 6th. We will receive our daughter on Monday, May 7th which will be her 2nd birthday! Then we will wait in China for her US Consulate date on the 17th when she will become an official US citizen :). So we will come back on Friday, May 18th. My boys took less than 14 hours to birth from start to finish...this child will take 14 days! And believe me, this trip will be "labor" for me...from start to finish. Please pray for us as this will be THE most faith-filled thing I have ever done.

I am SO EXCITED to kiss those little cheeks and hold that little hand, but I am also thrilled that I will have two weeks to work out the care of my boys and try to keep them home while I am away, help Jordan finish up his projects, go on one last field trip with Nathan, prepare all the documents that I have to take with me, clean my house, celebrate with our Grow Group, and see my precious sister-in-law share her commitment to Christ with the world through baptism. My heart soars at how good God is! We will come back to a weekend and the boys will be finished with school for the year after two short days, so that burden will be alleviated and allow total focus on bringing Kate into our family! LOVE IT!

Jesus, YOU are AMAZING!!! What You are doing is AMAZING!! That we have this privilege is AMAZING!! And that You ordained it from the foundation of the world is AMAZING!! You complete us!!

I am NOT the Rescuer!

I am NOT the Rescuer!

Posted by Candace

The other day one of my boys said to me, "Mom, when Kate comes, we will still be the most special, right?" I know what he was asking. I feel it in my heart every day. "I will still be first right?" "I will still be important, right?" "No one will take my place in your heart, right?" "Guarantee me that you will still love me more."

When I was younger, my mom took an interest in a boy in our neighborhood. His parents were often quite absent and my mom often took him with us to various activities. I was insanely jealous of this boy. My mom drenched him with affection, which I already had to share with 3 other siblings. I remember wanting to be the center of her universe. I knew I had to accept that I must share her with my sisters and brother, but this boy was not part of the bargain. Sadly I remember being very "ugly" about this situation and eventually happy when the relationship ended when we moved to another neighborhood.

Something in us longs to be saturated in love. We sometimes ache to know that someone "sees" us and cares more about us than about anyone else. We want to be special, we want to be important, we want attention...and into these desires Christ speaks. "Come unto Me..." We are striving to fill ourselves with our children, our spouse, our best friend...we are placing burdens on them that are too hard for them to bear. Only He can fill the insatiable hole in our hearts. If we are not daily being filled with Him, we will only be draining to the relationships around us.

Kate, too, will feel these tuggings on her heart. She will one day begin to understand her story and will want someone to fill in the deep holes that it leaves within her. David and I can do NOTHING about those holes. Yes, we can bring her home and love her just as if she had come from our own bodies, but we will be faced with the stark fact that she didn't...that one December night, someone (the person that she looks like, takes after, and shares blood with) snuck her onto the steps of a government building, umbilical cord still attached, and turned around and walked away...that a woman somewhere in the world carried her in her womb for almost 10 months, felt her every movement, lost sleep over her, felt the pain of bringing her into this world, and then made the decision to walk away. How much did she love her daughter? Was she forced to let go? Does she still think about her, wonder about her? I have recently begun to picture her sneaking to the orphanage to try to get a glimpse of her...watching her from afar to make sure she is being taken care of...hoping that the family who adopts her will fill the void left by her decision. As a mother, I have to believe that this was the hardest choice she has ever made, and that it was driven by hope for a better future for her daughter. I have to believe it until it is proven to me otherwise.

David and I are not adopting to "rescue" an "orphan" from China. As a matter of fact, our decision to adopt, though guided every step of the way by God, was actually as simple as wanting a daughter. It was not any more spiritual than that. Kate's God is the Rescuer...He rescues all of us...sometimes He just uses another human to do it. We all have a story of void...it usually begins in our childhood. Maybe a parent was glaringly missing or lost...maybe the love had to be split between many children...maybe love was painfully absent from our home... we all need to be rescued... we all need to be filled. We are all Kate. When she comes home, I will cringe at every comment that labels her an "orphan". I will silently reject every implication that we are her "rescuers". Of course, I will realize that people often just don't know what they are saying...hey, I haven't known what I was saying. But God made it amazingly clear to me this morning... Kate is and has always been His. Just as I have always been His. Kate and I are no different...we were both ordained by God before the foundation of the world, we both were intricately formed by Him in our mother's womb, and He planned for our lives to cross in this amazing way. I have needed rescuing just as badly as she has... I was an orphan at one time, just as much as she is... my abandonement just wasn't obvious to the world. No one has ever called me an orphan or thanked my parents for rescuing me...but I am Kate. And I have been rescued. I have been adopted. I have been redeemed. He is the Rescuer, not me...and I will do my best to make this very truth the center of our Katherine Hope's identity.

I took the time the other day to let my son know that I would love him just as much as I ever have, but that I also love Kate the very same. God gave this mom a heart that could never choose between her children. While I sense his trepidation of the unknown, I also thanked God for the opportunity to start revealing their Rescuer to them...the One who can fill the void. Cause ultimately it is not me that their hearts are seeking... it is Him.

Song of the Princess

Song of the Princess

Posted by Candace

As we continue to await our final travel approval so that we can go get little princess, Kate, our world has lost 2 other princesses this week. These sweet babies have gone to see the King and I felt the need to post today in their honor.

Princess Laura Winstanley was a young 7 years old and battled throughout her lifetime with severe handicap. I only ever saw her from afar and never got to meet her, but I look forward to one day soon when we are introduced in heaven. I have heard tales of her smile, of her bravery, of her influence even in the face of death. She was dearly loved by the Orchard church, and we will be privileged with celebrating her life on Easter Sunday...the same day that we celebrate the risen Savior that is now holding her totally healed body in His arms. Laura's songs will surely stream from heaven into the hearts of those who love her.

Princess Piper Needham was also 7 years old when she journeyed to heaven this week. She fought leukemia for several years before it finally claimed her life. I have only ever read the faith filled words of her mother on a blog, but I was struck at the specialness of this little girl. She was an inspiration to everyone who met her. Her mother held her right until the end. I simply cannot bring myself to imagine feeling the life drain out of my child. This brave family is left to face days that can only be walked through by leaning desperately on the Comforter. Their daughter will surely sing over them often from heaven.

As incredibly heartbreaking as these ending are... it also means a new beginning for these little girls. No longer will their bodies struggle through each day, no longer will they require medicine or wheelchairs or doctors or hospitals, no longer will they suffer in pain and sickness. They have been made thoroughly and wonderfully whole. I picture them singing and dancing together, every now and then making sure that Jesus is taking care of their loved ones. They are running the streets of gold with flowers in their hair, racing to see who can reach Jesus first. They are without tears or pain or suffering of any kind. And I imagine that these two sweet princesses are great friends. Their voices entwine as they sing songs of comfort over the ones they left behind. If you listen closely you will hear them.

Very little in this life really matters. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are guarateed health. All of us are dying...some of us slower than others, but we are all racing toward eternity. Where will we spend it? What can we take with us? What will we leave behind? What kind of legacy are we building? It is wise for us to not only answer these questions, but also to reevaluate the answers. How are we spending our time?...because it is limited...whether we think about it or not on a daily basis, we only have so many moments on this earth. It is never too late...you are never too young or too old...to begin anew. And you are never too disabled to make a difference. These sweet princesses have been living examples of that.

Lord, help me to make use of every moment I am given...not spending it on my own pleasure, but giving my life to further Your Kingdom.

Closer to the Finish Line and More Revelations

Closer to the Finish Line and More Revelations

Posted by David Roberts

I meant to post last week and never seemed to catch up after a long couple weeks with trips to Dallas and San Diego. After getting reasonably caught up and finishing up some tests tonight, I figured I would give this post a chance. Sort of feeling down tonight after a super tough day capped off by my failing of my first test (by 1 point) at LRU since the beginning of this degree program. Keeping my 4.0 GPA right now seems a distant hope. We shall see.

So last week was an unusual week in our adoption process for me specifically. We did our travel planning call with Emily and then I headed out to San Diego in the following days. Emily mentioned a seminar at her church on Facebook and I got in the conversation. We spoke the following day she mentioned a book to me entitled "Before You Were Mine" by Susan Tebos and Carissa Woodwyk. Typically my undiagnosed ADD keeps me from long and sustained periods of reading, which is pretty disappointing. However, my new Kindle Fire has given me hope. Long story short, I read the entire book that Emily recommended in 4 hours on the flight out and 3 hours on the flight back. That has never happened before. So what was it that was so amazing about this book? In a nutshell it is about Lifebook's. These are basically the story of your adopted child prior to you bringing them into your life. As I read the first few chapters, I was pretty frustrated hearing about other families who told their child's story pre-adoption with great detail including birth parents, stories, etc. What exactly would we write about Kate given her history. She had no history, right? Well, then it happened and I can feel it all over again just telling the story. The authors use an example of a Chinese girl who was abandoned from the very beginning... Wow - who knew there were almost identical stories out there to that of Kate's. So as the flight attendants passed repeatedly, I just kept asking for more drinks because they would give me more napkins with each serving. I was in the middle seat with 2 guys on either side and I was a total wreck crying on a plane reading my Kindle about Lifebook's. The constant revelations about this process just continue to come to both Candace and I. What was initially a seemingly simple process of bringing an at risk little girl to a stable home environment has opened up to be a life changing event. I find myself constantly getting new revelations routinely about this process. At one time I found myself last week wishing I could go back to the boys early days to make them better, realizing I am infinitely more informed these days about what my kids need from me. This book was teaching me things I never had even considered. How do we teach our children to honor their birth parents regardless of the circumstances? What is our role as God's hand's extended to our children? How do we best exemplify that model? How do we come alongside our children every step of the way through their life? How do we put ourselves in the position of the birth parents and go through the struggle they must have agonized about? Amazing questions that I had to admit were considered very little if any in my parental past.

The book was amazing and just reading about the amazing stories of these children worldwide prior to their adoption experiences was pretty tough. Realizing that God found a way to rescue so many of them while still giving them an identity right in the middle of all that horrible stuff was amazing. I had to tell friends of ours last week in San Diego repeatedly that for every blessing we might be pouring out on Kate, we truly feel like we get 100 blessings in return. To date, there are few things in my life that have affected me to this level. I sincerely hope this is only the beginning of the transformation and I look forward to shepherding both Kate as well as Jordan and Nathan in ways I never imagined. What an amazing privilege we have as parents if we could just ever wake up and realize how important the process really is.