When the Thrill is Gone.

When the Thrill is Gone.

Posted by Candace

I used to love Christmas.  I mean, LOVE Christmas.  Throughout the year, I looked forward to two things... Christmas and a beach vacation.  If I counted the number of thoughts I had toward those two things, it would probably number in the thousands...maybe even millions. 

When the Christmas season would arrive, I would throw myself into it...shopping, decorating, baking, events (the more Christmas parties, the better)... all of this would become my December world and I loved it.  Until December 26th, that is...the day after Christmas was one of the most depressing days of the year...presents opened, mess made, food stale, decorations no longer valid.  Somehow the hype, the expectations, the planning that led up to one day, left a hole bigger than a whole new year could fill.  Next Christmas...next Christmas will be perfect.

Something changed, however.  The "something" had to do with this little baby that I claimed to celebrate while making my wishlist and imagining my perfect Christmas gatherings.  Never before had a baby been born for a greater purpose... and that purpose was not to get comfortable and be happy.  He came to die for a lost and dying world.  He came to turn us upside down and shake out all of our pride and obstinacy and plans for the future.  He came to make everything else grow strangely dim.

Almost 3 years ago, right after Christmas, David and I took first steps to follow Jesus into a world that we had only read about.  We began the great adventure of adoption.  We were sitting around living the American dream, right up to the 2.5 kids (Nathan has always been a kid and a half :), but we had hit a wall with the Lord.  It was like we couldn't come any closer.  Finally we said "yes, Lord! Turn our lives upside down.  Take our family and use it for your glory.  We are tired of "life as usual".  We want to be ALL that you created us to be."  And we brought home Kate...and then we brought home Jessica and Naomi... and somewhere in the midst of a changing life and a transitioning family, Christmas was put in its place.

This year, Christmas looked a lot different.  Yes, there were still expectations and decorations and celebrations, but it was in perspective.  Redemption changes things and once you have watched with your own eyes while He redeems...how He redeems...His intimate involvement in redemption...holiday traditions almost become a distraction.  I mean, as hard as I try, I have less time with the Lord while I am supposedly celebrating Him, than I do all year.  Our relationship actually suffers while I am trying to remember all the people I need to give a gift to, while I am trying to put up all the decorations that I pull out of my attic, while I am filling the calendar with events to attend.

This year, my favorite part about Christmas was that it was low key.  Being so shortly home from China, we had an excuse.  We attended very few holiday events. We stayed home.  We were able to have bilingual Chinese guests who we quickly fell in love with.  We enjoyed our decorations and fires in the fireplace and some Hallmark movies.  We enjoyed fellowship with neighbors and watching as our new daughters opened presents and played with new toys. Even so, I have discovered that the joy of this season does not come from a perfect Christmas tree or kisses under the mistletoe, or lights all aglow.  It comes from a Savior who was just getting started on the day He was born.  The best was yet to come, but the best was a hard road to the cross so that I could one day take up my own.  Carrying your cross means you see the world through a different lens...and sometimes that lens means you enjoy certain things less than you did before you put on "God glasses".

The day after Christmas, I sit here knowing that I will never be the same.  Christmas will never hold the same temporary thrill that it once did.  That thrill is gone and the traditions seem rather like going through the motions.  I want my children to live for more than just some temporary highs on Christmas day.  I want them to live for the God who changes lives.  I don't want them to spend the day after Christmas wishing that they didn't have to wait a whole year for it to come again.  I want them to spend it anticipating the adventure that God has for them in the coming year.  I hope with every Christmas that passes, they will almost look forward to December 26th when once again there is peace on earth :).

So yes, I will forever cherish the moments that we were blessed with this Christmas, but I will also rejoice that when everything is over and the last decoration is put away, it only means that it is time to get back to it.  There are people to see come to Christ and things to do for our calling. 

If you are hearing "Bah Humbug" from me, please listen closely.  Peace on earth.  Goodwill to men!  Christmas has come and gone again, but the Savior is calling.  Hear Him.  Follow Him.  Live for Him.  Because every day has the potential to celebrate Christ.

It Really Has Nothing to Do with Phil Robertson

It Really Has Nothing to Do with Phil Robertson

Posted by Candace

As this week comes to a close, my mind is worn.  I think that the Duck Dynasty controversy has been written about and railed about and run through the ringer from every angle.  I may have scrolled past 50 blogs that took this opportunity to share their views with the world (I guess I am jumping on that bandwagon, aren't I?).  It has been almost painful to read opinion after opinion until I just had to stop.  I am thankful to this controversy though because it has forced me to solidify my beliefs and examine my responses.  It has made me passionate and then humble and then resolved.  For what it's worth... if you can stomach to read something else about this nonsense... here's my take away...

• The Church is as bad as a political party when it comes unity and loyalty to each other.  We have so many factions going on in the family of God and EVERY ONE of them think that they have the right view of things, the right interpretation of the Bible, and the backing of Jesus Himself.  The Scriptures say a good many different things that all fall somehow into harmony with each other, but most everything that I have read on this issue has taken one of these different things and made it the only thing to beat other Christians over the head.
• Many people seem to think that if somehow you are angry about a man answering a question about morality truthfully and being put in time out for it in front of God and everybody that you have ceased to care about the lost and dying world or about people being martyred for Christ or about sex trafficking, etc, etc.  I can personally attest to the fact that you can do both at the same time.
• Those, (this includes other Christians) attacking Christians for taking a public Biblical stand against homosexuality on the basis that it is publicly denigrating hurting people seem to forget that Christians did not bring this fight into the public arena.  We were not on the offensive on this, but rather the defensive and that is only because marriage (an institute that God was very clear about when He created it in the beginning) was brought into the public debate.  Don't get me wrong, we love every one of the people trying to shove the agenda down our throats, but we are compelled to say "No, I'm sorry, you are wrong.  Your ideas will destroy and kill and steal.  They will steal our children...our future generations.  There is a good reason this lifestyle has been forbidden by the Lord."  The people controlling these loud factions do not want to stop with being accepted by society.  This agenda is driven by the devil to infiltrate our schools and be taught as an acceptable and alternative lifestyle to children.  Sin is not content until it has sucked in everyone within its reach.  With prayer already removed, this agenda will over take our children (our future society) and cause destruction that many will be lamenting in the years to come. In some ways it already has.
• Most of us with real concern about where this is going are not without sin.  Rather, most of us have experienced sin at its most destructive.  We are rescued and forgiven and we simply cannot sit by and be silent while other are recruited into the strongholds of the enemies camp.  We cannot call it love to be silent.  We have experienced the truth that sets free and we take seriously our job as ambassadors.  We know that the truth often hurts...it often offends...it brings dark things to light and forces people to take a good hard look at their actions...but when accepted, it sets free.  I am not condoning truth screamed in hatefulness, but rather truth spoken in love.
• There are sides to the battle of this world.  I'm sorry, but that is a Biblical fact, whether you like it or not.  If you are not living for Christ, you are living for Satan...you are an open door for the enemy to use you and your life for destruction.  None of us are perfect...but you are either covered in the righteousness of Christ or you are not.  If you are not, and you die or He returns, your sin will glaringly convict you when you stand before the throne.  That is truth.  It is love to tell that truth.  The only thing that makes me different from someone unsaved is that I have repented of my former way of life and made Jesus my Lord.  And that invitation is as open to anyone unsaved as it was to me.
• You can struggle with sin and not be defined by it.  I don't believe that there are openly gay Christians, just as I don't believe there are openly liar Christians.  If you have a problem with lying and you are letting Christ work it out of you, you do not walk around saying "I'm a liar and proud of it."  NO, you are covered with the righteousness of Christ and struggling against lying.  It is the same with any sin.  When we give our lives to Christ, such WERE some of us, but we are no longer.  We pray to walk worthy of our calling, not to continue to be defined by our sin.  Sin has lost its hold on us unless we continue to give it that hold... and there is no better way to give it power than to define ourselves by it.
• None of this is really about a stupid TV show or even crazy reality stars, it is about the battle between the forces of darkness and the forces of light.  It is about seeing right in front of our eyes the state that the Church is in.  When we can attack and attack and attack, even turning on each other, we are playing right into the hands of the enemy.  We don't have to become loud and obnoxious like the world when we want to make a point.  When God wanted to make a point, He sent an infant to be born in a stable.  We can quietly take our stand and leave room for God's wrath.  But even when Christians are loud and obnoxious (some of us completely on accident), are we still worthy of love and grace?  Or is that just reserved for the loud and obnoxious sinner?  I seem to remember a verse that says "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love ONE ANOTHER."
• Losing freedom of speech and of religion means that all these people blogging and saying that fighting for these freedoms is not a Christian's job, lose their freedom to freely state this opinion.  If you believe that this is not an important issue, then shut down your blog immediately...unless of course, you plan on being politically correct ALL the time and on every issue.
• To be very clear, I am as passionate about fornication and adultery as I am about homosexuality and that does not mean that I hate people that do it.  I have a myriad of friends and even family who have had children outside of marriage or have been through divorces that included adultery.  Why is there this blanket label of hate and rejection and bigotry put on Christians that believe and are willing to stand up for what the Bible says?  I wish we were back at the debates about how much fornication is now all over TV, but we've already crossed that acceptance bridge, remember?  How many of our children have been caught up in destruction because we have accepted this particular sin as "our culture"?
• We need a lot more time on our face before God.  I think we forget that this time in His presence changes the world much more than anything we can do with our own two hands.

Take them or leave them...after all, who am I?  Just someone commissioned to be a light in the middle of a dark world who often completely messes it up.  I ask Jesus how He could hope to reach the world and bring glory to Himself through people as messed up as me (probably most Christians are not THIS messed up).  That in itself is a miracle!  I am only left with this in this season of Advent when the A&E chaos is abounding around me... Come, Lord Jesus.

Kate: A Case Study in the Needs of Children

Kate: A Case Study in the Needs of Children

Posted by Candace

A year and a half ago we brought home a two and a half year old little girl from China.  This girl was quiet and smart.  She would babble a bit in Chinese, sometimes singing a song or two, but for the most part she just watched life go on around her.  You could almost see the wheels turning inside her head.  She was taking life in, but something stopped her from jumping into life.

Fast forward to today... this girl is full force, full on LIVING.  She runs EVERYWHERE.  She rarely stops talking.  She can crawl up into a strangers lap and have them wrapped around her finger in less than two minutes.  She asks questions and makes statements that are literally astounding sometimes.  She laughs often, loves deeply, and lives fully.

What changed?  Well, yes, she lived in an orphanage for two and a half years and yes, I am sure that largely contributed to the way she was when we brought her home.  I, however, often wonder if Kate would be the Kate we have at home if she were still with her biological parents.  There is much to be said for DNA in personality development, but I think there is more to it than that.  I know now, as an adult, that there were many factors that kept me from ever blossoming fully as a child.  Three things stand out when I consider the way that I have parented and how it has allowed my children to fully develop their personality.  Don't get me wrong... I'm no expert.  I will not be writing parenting books any time soon.  However, I think I have stumbled upon three things that I have mostly done right for my kids.

Children need space.  Yes, structure is a good thing...even a necessary thing, but a child will never thrive under rigid rules all the time.  You will not get to see and experience everything that God created your child to be under the heavy curtain of inflexibility.  A child needs time to get messy without being wiped every five seconds... time to run in the house without being chastised about the knick knacks (put those things in storage already)... time to be naked and silly... time to be loud and flamboyant.  There is a time for everything, of course, but that should include this kind of time.  Giving your child space means letting them breathe...letting them be themselves... letting them experience freedom.

Children need grace.  High love, high discipline... I totally get it.  Yes, children need boundaries and they need to be taught to follow those boundaries, but they also need to be able to make mistakes.  When it is not a game changer, choose grace.  When the milk is spilled all over the floor, when they have slammed the door for 4th time today, when they need a few extra minutes to finish their game before they go to bed...choose grace.  There are many, many things that we, as parents, can harp on because it makes OUR lives easier.  If we really want to see our children live life fully, we have to set aside our "pet peeves", reminding ourselves that some day we will miss the spills and the noise and the reluctant bedtimes.  Giving your child grace means letting them breathe...letting them make mistakes...letting them know that some things are just NOT a big deal.

Children need face.  Attention is key for a child.  Your full attention means that they are important and they know this.  This is why children will vie for an adult's attention...because every time a face is turned toward them, they hear "you are important."  When my children speak, I try to fully listen and fully engage (provided they are not interrupting a conversation or talking to me while I am on a rare phone call, in which case, I have this eerie "tune you out" ability).  I have never been one for much baby talk, except with babies... so often I will speak to them in the same way that I would talk to another adult, maybe in an age appropriate form of conversation, but not in any way patronizing or demeaning.  Respect your child like you respect any other human on the planet...because shocker...wait for it... your child is a human.  GASP!  and one day they will be an adult human just like the ones you interact with on a daily basis.  Follow them into their imagination.  Help them make up the story.  Play along.  But also answer their questions.  Be as truthful as possible.  Explain things they don't understand when you can.  In the end, you will be surprised at how much they can process.  Children also need to be "in" your face...they need time to be close to you.  They need to be DAILY swept up in hugs...covered in kisses... tickled and soothed.  It isn't good to have physical boundaries with your children (Obviously I am not talking about ANYTHING inappropriate here)... they should have access to hugs when they need them, to time right in your face, to ability to touch your hair and your nose and put their fingers in your mouth.  They thrive when they have full access. (Disclaimer: I know there are times when we don't want our children right in our face and I am not saying it is never okay to say "not right now", I'm just talking about saying "it is never okay".  Again, I am speaking only of appropriate contact) Giving your child grace means letting them breathe...letting them be seen AND heard... letting them as close as they want to be.

Parenting this way does not automatically mean that your child will fully open up to life.  I know that there are other factors that go into this and they greatly vary in every family and every situation.  And please don't think that I am saying this is ALL children need.  Please keep feeding your children, giving them structure, disciplining them, and most importantly, praying for them.  However, if you can give space, grace, and face to your child on a daily basis, it will help give them the courage and freedom to learn to live.

No, I can't imagine that Kate would be the same little girl back in China, even if her parents could have raised her.  I saw nothing in China that gave indication these three things are priorities in parenting there.  But as I look back over my list, I realize that I, myself, daily receive every one of these things from my Father in heaven...that these are parenting strategies that He uses with this child over here...and there's no better recommendation than that.

The Honest Truth About Encountering Grace

The Honest Truth About Encountering Grace

Posted by Candace

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11


It's no real secret (because I find it fairly difficult to keep them any way) that I have been struggling lately.  Unfortunately, I am no good at hiding my true feelings so it only takes a question like "How are things going?" to bring an earful instead of the expected "Fine." or "Great!".  I mean, don't ask if you don't really want to know, right? (I'm so sorry to my true friends who have had to unexpectedly listen to my "this is so hard" speech)

What might surprise you is why I am struggling... it surprised me.  There is a Scripture that says "You do not have because you do not ask."  One of the things that the Lord has been drilling into me these past couple of weeks is that I need to ask Him for what I need.  He has been fairly clear that He will not be providing until I ask.  So today I finally asked, "Lord, why is this so difficult for me? Why am I struggling?"  I expected the answer to be "Because you have 5 kids... because your husband is out of town all week...because you are trying to hold down a part time job AND homeschool AND keep the house from being declared a disaster area...because your child loves food more than she loves you... because your new teenager has learned the word "Why?" and uses it every time that you insist she do something...because you never get a moment to yourself and when you do it ends up being spent on some "to do" that has sat on the backburner until it is smoking." 

Instead, when I asked Him, "Why am I so angry? Why do I want to run and hide all the time? Why do I daily feel beaten down and walked over?"  the answer was, "Because you don't like yourself very much right now..."

And that is the nail on the head.  My struggle has a lot less to do with this crazy transition and the girls it centers around and more to do with the fact that I really don't like myself right now.  I have to live with me and I really don't like me. 

I don't like me, because I am disappointed in me.  I am disappointed at what comes out of me in the moments of high stress that I face on a daily basis.  I am disappointed that after years of serving the Lord, loving the Lord, pointing others toward the Lord, I find myself sporting the worst attitude, losing my temper, living in thoughts that are as far from Christ-like as Peter's denial, and acting like I don't know Jesus from Adam.  I am mad at myself for writing blog after blog for the sole purpose of glorifying God, and then finding myself in a season where every stinkin' sin that I thought I had long ago left in the deepest part of the ocean is rising to haunt me.  I'm talking things that I struggled with in CHILDHOOD that I am once again finding myself struggling with.  What??  LORD, I thought we had dealt with this.  I thought this was long behind me.  I thought I was a more mature Christian than this.

Today it started to make sense... the reason that He had told me that I must begin to ask Him before He would meet my needs.  Asking requires humility and it also requires a need for grace.  Asking the Lord for something is not often my first inclination because I am afraid that I don't deserve it.  And honestly, I don't.  Even just from a merely human standpoint, I don't deserve one thing from the Hand of Holiness.  I fall so short.  So do you... you might think you have all your Christian stuff together and "I would NEVER do that... react like that...say that... think that." but most of you just need the right circumstances to prove yourself wrong (BTW, a lot of prideful thoughts begin with "I would NEVER").  And here is a problem that we can't solve for ourselves...we need the grace of God. 

We can be deceived into thinking that we don't need grace.  We can get really comfortable in our lives and be walking the walk and talking the talk and we begin to think things like "Why is that person struggling with THAT?" or "If so and so was in the Word more, they wouldn't such and such." or "That is such a tragic situation, but you know, it is really their own doing."  We forget soooo easily that WE need grace...that BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD...that sometimes what a person really needs is a little bit of that grace.  And the minute that we forget how much grace we, ourselves, need, we have already entered into the danger zone of sin. 

But when we come back to the point that we realize we need His grace...that we ask for that grace...that we are ready to receive that grace... He lavishes it on us.  He drowns us in grace...whether it is a divine conversation or a hug from a stranger or a touch from the spouse that you have done NOTHING to earn or a timely verse that jumps off the pages of His Word... He lays it on thick.  And suddenly you find yourself a wretched mess at His feet repenting that you have been SOOO unwilling to freely offer grace to others. 

You see, anger often comes from a feeling that we have been wronged or are being taken advantage of or that things are not going the way WE want them to.  Most of the time, anger involves another person and often it involves a lack of grace for someone else.  Anger says "They need to PAY the debt they owe to me."  or "They need to STOP doing that because it gets on my nerves." or "They aren't loving me the way they should."  And EVERY one of the these things, the Lord can say about me lately.  The God of the Universe has had plenty of reason to strike me dead with a bolt of lightning since we have been home from China... and instead He offers me GRACE.  He reaches out His Hand to me and He says, "Candace, it's okay.  I forgive you.  You don't owe anything.  I want to help you,  I want to uphold you."  In light of such grace, how can I require a lesser debt from my husband, my children, or myself?  Grace begets grace.

Yes, no doubt, my default settings are still very wrong.  Many times my emotions are out of control, many times I say or yell or do the wrong things, many times my attitude STINKS... I am in the refiner's fire and it is hot in here!  Being disciplined into righteousness is not fun... it is hard...where I'm at is hard.  But oh, ya'll, if it means that I get up close and personal moments with this grace, I will ask for it one hundred times over.  If it means that this girl is gonna be more peaceable...more righteous...on the other side, then bring it on.  If it means that the relationships that I already have and will have are filled with grace, sign me up.  If it means that instead of disliking myself, I forget about me and only see Him, is there any better place to be?

So if I say or post or do things any time in the near future and you are tempted to think "I would never..." or "she has some serious issues..." (haven't I been telling ya'll that all along) or "How unChristlike...", I would ask that only you without sins cast the stones...cause I am freely admitting mine...to you and to the Lord...and He has chosen to meet my confession with grace.  So really, there is no one left to condemn me, not even me.  And you know what the craziest thing about that is?  It gives me so much more power to "go and sin no more."

Grace for My Waiting Friends

Grace for My Waiting Friends

Posted by Candace

All of heaven stood poised and silent as the couple walked into the room.  This is the day they had waited for, they had planned for, they had prayed for.  The hosts had been furiously and feverishly working to bring detail after detail together.  It had been a long, grueling wait for the man and woman who were being watched with such holy anticipation.  Though the activity in heaven was daily directed at bringing this moment together in perfect harmony, the couple had not seen with their eyes what a stir their prayers were causing.  They could not see the preparation that needed to go into this new family.  They could not see that one of the most important and combatted events on earth was happening through them.  They could not see the spiritual warfare going on as the Host of Heaven held off every attempt of the enemy to kill, steal, and destroy.

And it all came down to this moment...the moment when a child...their child would be placed into their arms.  A child who had never known the breath of his mother on his face...who had never felt a father's strong arms around him...who had never heard the sound of "I love you" when it rides on heartfelt whispers.  This child had NO idea how often he had been prayed for, how longingly he was loved, how much sacrifice had already been made. 

And his parents could never imagine how crucial each day that they waited for him was to the plan.  In their minds it was torture, a sacrifice almost too difficult to make.  In the heavenly realm, it was opportunity.  Growth happened in those moments that would be impossible in the comfortable wake of realizing their dream.  Preparation was made without which a disaster could have soon ensued.  The Divine Appointer of Kairos had been present to oversee every twist and turn.  And as He walked into the room, the hush in heaven deepened...  it was finally time.

The soon-to-be parents rose to their feet as the social worker entered the room.  In her arms she held the despondent form of a child.  Only the Host could see the chains that encompassed his body...only they could see the enemy's icy clutches that still entangled the small figure.  The woman gasped as they brought the little boy forward.  He looked at her with wary eyes that had already seen enough of "life" to last a lifetime.  Heaven eagerly watched... they had seen this part before... they knew what was about to happen... they were ready.  The mother reached out her arms and her child was placed in her chest... the same place that she would have held him if she had been the one to birth him.  The heavens let out a cheer as the icy clutches of Satan dissolved and the baby was set free.  There would be more work to do as these parents guided their little boy toward "True Life", but right now the victory was poignant.  The Lord of Heaven let out a laugh...there would be one less orphan in the world tonight... and because He was the Knower of All Things, He knew that one day this little boy's heart would be rescued as well.  This one would be redeemed twice.

As you wait for the Lord to bring about the perfect timing of your adoption, there are a couple of things you should know...

• He is Sovereign: the events happening around you in this wait are not coincidence if you are seeking His Will.  He is orchestrating things that you never could have envisioned. Don't short cut His process because the flesh wants something else.  I can guarantee the flesh will want something else. Don't fight Him...it just makes the process longer and more difficult.
• He is Near: there will be many days when you think that God could not possibly be involved in your process and that He has left you on your own, standing in the middle of nowhere...but you are wrong.  He is intimate with every detail.  Trust Him.  I mean trust Him even when it feels like the stupidest thing that you've ever done.  Trust Him when everything within you screams "DO SOMETHING!"  Believe that He is at work and that He will work everything for good. 
• He is Enough: even if you never get to the end of this...even if this wasn't about adoption...even if this was about changing YOU...ultimately life is all about Him.  Are you brave enough to resolve up front that if there is NOTHING for you at the end of this calling, you will follow?  Do you love Him enough to say "YOU are enough."?  If I never hold my child... if I hold a child that is nothing like I had ever expected... if Your plans are different from mine... "YOU are enough!"  Because He is.  And our life's calling is to bring glory to His Name... sometimes bringing glory to His Name will be a sacrifice...sometimes it will be painful...sometimes it will be seen by no one but the enemy's camp where demons are forced to fall to their knees at your uncompromising obedience to the Father.  I don't say this to scare you.  I say it to inspire you to change your perspective.  This is not about bringing a child home... this is about following Jesus.

And you know what?  He IS these things while you wait... He IS these things when your wait is done... and He IS these things long after your wait is forgotten.  My friend, the challenges do not end in the waiting... they just begin there.  If you are taking a step out on faith to follow Jesus, you better get used to living there, because you aren't going back.  He will only ever take you deeper... and deeper... and deeper... and even the first time, you will realize that you will drown without Him.  There is the real goal, friends... total dependence on Christ... Losing your life so that you gain it.  When we get this through our thick skulls, it is there we will find grace for the wait.

When Dreams Become Reality: The Real Story

When Dreams Become Reality: The Real Story

Posted by Candace

Take a minute and think about something that you are hoping for in life...a dream, so to speak.  Let yourself stay here for a minute.  Chances are that if you are looking forward to something or if you have a goal you are looking to meet that you have imagined it in your mind... chances are that you have a vision of how it will turn out...chances are you see in your mind an end to hard work and a full enjoyment of what has been accomplished.

Now let me mess with your expectations for a little bit.  The longer that I am alive, the more I realize that dreams are just that...dreams.  Our minds have a way of convincing us that if we can just get to this end goal or that end goal...if we can just get our child home, move into that bigger house, recieve that promotion, finish this project... life will be beauty and butterflies and sweet music.  Maybe our dreams are a little more sinister... if I could have married this person, if that person didn't exist, if I had those people's life.  All dreams have this in common... they are not reality.  There is no way for you to picture in your head the reality of the outcome you are hoping to obtain.

Adoption is a dream in the beginning... one that ends in your head with bringing your child home.  Getting them here is your life's goal for the year or two or three or ten that you are working toward that end.  You work hard, you pray hard, you imagine holding them in your arms, and often you forget that there is life after the dream.  That the most challenging part is not paperwork or waiting or traveling... the most challenging part is parenting... for years and years and years.

David and I saw God move mountains during this process.  We watched as He did things that we could never have imagined.  We were so focused on getting to the end of this process that we did little imagining of how it would be afterward and the imagining that we did do was not very realistic. 

What am I trying to say?  This is hard... maybe the most challenging thing that I have ever done...rewarding in many moments YES!... but hard in the rest of them.  Today I am tired... exhausted even.  I am juggling soooo many things right now... by myself.  And every time I get a moment to rest, I am bombarded in my mind with problems that I have not solved, things that are not done, issues that are on the horizon.  These are things that I had never imagined in my dream of adding two more to this family. 

God has been gracious and He has been faithful, and I am not complaining.  I would not change things if I could.  I know this is God's plan for us.  I know that I was created for this.  I don't think that we are to shun the hard.  It is part of the work that God is doing, not only in our children, but in us.  I just think that we should heed a warning.  There is a reality to the choices that you make in life, to the things that you pursue, to the call that you follow.  Dreaming is the best part, the reality is the walking it out.  So if God has not fulfilled a certain dream in your life, or if you find yourself imagining life like a Hollywood romance, or if you are tempted to escape places the Lord has put you for the life you've always wanted, just know that reality is going to hit hard behind that choice.  Even when you are walking in obedience to a call, it is dangerous to stake your hopes on dreams.  A root of bitterness can easily creep up when you are walking on the other side on rocky road.

I know people today with great plans for life that have been derailed or postponed by things that they cannot control.  I have seen them walk in this place either becoming bitter or becoming more surrendered to the plan of God.  You see, our dreams are not as important as our focus.  Even when God places a dream in your heart, if the focus becomes that dream you can count on the fact that you will not be prepared for the reality.  If I had this process to do all over again, I would have spent more time at the feet of the Saviour being prepared for the reality than I did in imagination land with my dream.  I would have spent more time recognizing and repenting of my sin than I did mourning the fact that I couldn't get to my girls faster.  I would have walked wiser while I was in the day.

We are surviving.  We are hopefully taking baby steps forward.  There are many things that are frustrating, there are many things that are painful, there are many things that are beautiful.  It is a roller coaster every day.  I know that things will get better.  I know that time will help us get used to the 5 kid norm.  I am just living the reality on the other side of a dream...and mourning the dream a little bit.

The sure fire way to never have to mourn your dreams is to recognize in the beginning that they are not reality.  You don't just need the strength of the Lord to get there, you will need it more once you have arrived.  If the Lord is giving you preparation time, don't waste it away by wishing you did not have to wait... use it to draw close, to let Him fill you, to let Him teach you.  Appreciate the journey to your goal, because many times it is where you become the person you need to be once you get to that destination.  Life doesn't end when your dream is accomplished...many times the work is just beginning.  And if you will take one last moment to look back over your life, I think I can get an "Amen".

This Week's Top 10

This Week's Top 10

Posted by Candace

Wow!  Tomorrow is finally Friday.  It will mark one week of us being home and hopefully mean that the jet lag has passed.  This week has been one of the most challenging of my life... but also most rewarding.  I figured I would list each of our top 10 moments from the week so you can rejoice with us about the GRACE of God in the midst of hard stuff...

MOM-

1. Not having to cook all week. So thankful for soooo many friends who dropped off meals.  My freezer is still full and we have eaten like an army this week.  Seriously, we are a family of 7 (6 because David is gone), but we eat like a family of 3 or 4 and have been fed like the Duggars. :)  Thank you again to all of you.
2. Sea Salt and Caramel Chocolate (courtesy of Emily Flynt).  For those moments when I just needed 10 seconds to recoop.  Perfect treat.
3. Organizing Therapy. I took back control of my life by turning my laundry room into a large dresser for the children and making the clothes chaos a little more manageable.  It is bliss in there right now.
4. Crib for Naomi.  We set up a crib today in the girls' room for Naomi and she went to sleep in it tonight without a peep.  I will immerse myself in the lack of bloody murder screams tonight.
5. Trip to Walmart.  We ventured out today and we survived.  I realized that I really can do 5 kids and almost look like I'm not a new mom... even though that is exactly how I feel... like I have just had my first child and am learning everything for the first time.
6. My Own Bed.  I just can't describe in words how great it is to be back in my bed.  Maybe letters will help "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
7. Sleeping In.  This morning we slept until 4:30am.  Never in my life have I been more grateful to be getting up at that ridiculous hour.  Seems I do my best work lately before dawn.
8. Words from friends.  I am so blessed with so many beautiful people that love me and are supporting us through this... near and far.  Within 10 seconds, I can think of 5 people who I can text, email, or call and they would respond to any need immediately.  Words are my love language.  Feeling the love.
9. Tremendous Neighbors.  Josh and Sandi live right down the street and have been such a blessing to us through all of this.  They have watched our house, our kids, our dog.  Picked up our mail.  Called the police when they thought Ascend's security guys were breaking into our house (Ironically they were setting up a security system).  Loaned us a crib.  Cooked us meals and chocolate chip cookies (like the best ever).  I can't even list all that they have done.  Best of all, I feel like they are right here if I ever need anything.  You can't put a price on that when the hubby has to be gone so much.
10. GRACE of God.  I have felt it dripping from the ceiling around here.  Every time I feel like I can't go another step, every time I do, say, or even yell something that I regret, every time I don't have the faintest clue what to do.  EVERY. TIME. He shows up. 


Jessica

1. Room Cleaning.  I walked into the girls room the other day and Jessica was cleaning it from top to bottom, including sorting all the books by size and putting them on the shelves.  This is something I had not asked her to do and when I thanked her she used her translator to tell me that it was what she should do.
2. Ear Piercing.  Jessica got her ears pierced today and Walmart.  She asked me in China if she could do it when we got home and today was the day.  She didn't shed a tear or even whine even though it was obvious it hurt her.
3. Emotion Sharing.  Our girl has walked around the house all week saying the Chinese word for "happy".  Tonight when we set the crib up in the girls' room for Naomi, she asked if all 3 of them would be staying in that room.  When I said "yes", she lit up like a Christmas tree and said "Kie Shing!" (happy)
4. English Learning.  So to add to Jessica's limited vocabulary this week.  She learned the word "Milk" and loves to say it.  She also picked up on the word "Guys" during a TV show the other day and since she already knew how to say "Come on.", she now adds "guys" to the end of it every time.  Today Nathan asked her to "Come on!" and she added "Guys!"  I cracked up.
5. Nathan Loving.  Jessica and Nathan have developed a really quick and fairly strong bond.  Probably has a lot to do with him being home all day, but it is absolutely precious.  From schoolwork to video games to board games to playing outside, they are spending much time together.  I am so proud of my youngest son for the welcome he has extended to our new daughters.
6. Charade Playing.  Charades is often how we communicate, as obviously translators aren't always handy or quick enough to convey the point.  Jessica acts out all kinds of things that make me laugh.  I am continually amazed at her grasp on what is taking place in any given situation, especially since she doesn't understand anything around her.  She has great insight into human character... and she is absolutely hilarious often.
7. Daddy Missing.  Jessica and I have both counted down the days until "Baba" would be back every morning.  Yesterday we were both really excited when we realized it was ONE!
8. Mama Watching.  This girl has been in awe of her mama this week, who has a gift for putting things together and also for not waiting on people who could do it better.  She has watched me with complete interest as I have put together the crib, assembled shelving units, and hung pictures.  I can only hope David will be as impressed. 
9. Sister Helping. Every time I turn around, Jessica is either playing with her sisters or helping them with something.  She is even bonding fairly well with Naomi...who has decided that Mama is the only "safe" bet.  She is such a helper and jumps in whenever she sees a need.
10. Food Eating.  I think Jessica has been amazed at the amount of food available to her.  She has "oooo"ed and "awwwww" ed over my cookbooks and probably thinks that in America food just magically appears at your doorstep every night (because it has over here).  She has become very comfortable in the kitchen and frequently gets her own snacks.
Bonus:  Home Loving.  She is doing incredibly well.  She sleeps all night and stays busy all day.  She does not seem a bit uncomfortable with being here or with us.  I have seen no signs of fear or of sadness.  Yes, I know this is probably the honeymoon, but I can't be more pleased with how she is transitioning.

Jordan

1. Back to School.  Our oldest boy has a lot on his shoulders as he tries to catch up from being gone as well as keep up with the current.  Thankfully Thanksgiving break is around the corner and should provide some breathing room.  I will breathe a sigh of relief if we pass this quarter.
2. Basketball.  He missed basketball goals the most in China, so he is taking every chance he gets to play.  His school season starts soon.
3. Jacket Request.  Jordan recently informed me that he needs a certain North Face jacket that everyone at school is wearing.  I'm hoping there is a really similar Walmart knock off.
4. Jetlag Woes.  The week has been hard on us all, but Jordan has taken it like a man and gone to school every day.  He has been the only one of us without the chance to nap.  He's completely impressive.
5. Sisters.  Of all of us, Jordan is having the biggest problems with transitioning and they are not really big problems, but it is hard losing your spot as the oldest.  He has worked hard to remind us that he is not a little brother.  Acclimating to having 3 sisters is a big job.  He is working hard at it, but it will take time.  And everything is harder when you become a teenager.
6. Co-parenting.  Jordan is going to make a GREAT dad someday.  I know because every day he tells me what I should and should not be doing as a parent.  I often hear "You know, Mom, you are going to have to teach them to...." Yes, I do know.  What has been surprising to me is often he hits the nail on the head, even if his timing is a bit off.
7. Carpool.  Jordan has gotten to ride this week with some awesome people that live right down the street.  The Sanders have been Jesus to us as they gave him a ride to school most of this week so that we did not have to pile everyone in the car.  Serious blessing!
8. Cooking.  A couple of days this week, Jordan has taken on the responsibility of making food and serving it.  After about 5pm this week, I have been SHOT so it has been wonderful to be able to rely on my oldest son to help oversee the house.
(Jordan gets top 8 because we just have not seen him a whole lot this week and this is starting to take longer than I planned.  No offense to him... hopefully he will never know.)

Nathan

1. Homeschool.  We have had a little bit of difficulty getting back into the swing of things with schoolwork so Nathan has been enjoying a light week of Math lesssons and reading catch up.  After Thanksgiving break we will have to hit it hard.
2. Life with Jessica.  Jessica and Nathan have tried to play almost every board game we have this week.  It's funny because often they work out the communication part... or they just give up and play a completely different way.  He has also taken her out and introduced her to his friends.
3. Adding Humor.  Nathan has always been hilarious, so he is lightening the moment with his quick wit.  He can make just about any of us laugh.
4. Kate Buttons.  When Jordan went back to school this year, it threw Nathan and Kate together for the entire day.  For a short while things were quiet around here... then the button pushers appeared.  Both of them know the others buttons and how to push them...and sit on them.  This week has been filled with Nathan's "KATE!!!!" and Kate's most annoying whiny cries back at Nathan. Definitely brother and sister.
5. Servant Heart.  Nathan does pretty much everything I ask of him almost immediately... most of the time.  This does not include schoolwork, but often I am saying "Nathan, could you get 'this' or 'that' and he is immediate to help.  Such a big deal when we are dealing with 2 new kids in the house.
6. Help with Lunch.  Nathan has made mac and cheese a couple of times this week along with a smoothie that Jessica helped cut fruit for. I was a little taken aback when I walked in the kitchen and Jessica had an American knife in her hand cutting strawberries, but I guess she has mastered the knife because all turned out well.
7. Easygoing Boy.  Out of all of us, Nathan has most easily acclimated to life with 4 siblings.  He has accepted it from the beginning.  I think that he believes we are going to try to adopt all the kids in the world, so he just has resigned himself to the fact that at least it is only 3 right now.  He interacts with his sisters as if they have always been here.
8. Back with Friends.  Our wonderful neighbors down the street that I have already mentioned have 4 kids who have become Nathan's life line here in Albany.  He loves nothing more than to run down the street and spend hours at their house or bring them back here for some fun.  Often he eats dinner with them.  They have a wonderful connection that could only come from the Lord.
9. Jessie.  This show on Netflix has been on in the house every time I turn around.  The kids missed Netflix in China, so I guess it is catch up time.  I put my foot down yesterday when I heard the episode watched in the morning come on in the afternoon... though he has probably watched every episode 3 or 4 times.  Just the kind of week we are having.
10. Gift from God.  Out of everyone who is helping or has helped with this first week back at home, I can truly say that Nathan has outdone them all.  Day in and day out, he has been here doing whatever I needed him to do, plus helping Jessica completely acclimate to the family.  He has been instrumental in easing this transition and I don't know if things would be going this well without him.


Kate

1. Baby Teeth.  Kate is very upset that she cannot yet lose her baby teeth.  She mourned this exceedingly last night.
2. Back to China.  Often during the day, Kate will announce that she wants to go back to China...to which we all groan and in unison say "NO!" (we love China, but the travel and recovery is brutal...not to mention the sewage smell and lack of clean water).  Yesterday she came out with some toys packed up and went to China anyway... she took her cell phone so I could call her... it was a short trip that ended when I brought out her favorite snack.
3. Learning to Share.  Many times this week, Kate has had to be reminded that I am not just "her Mommy".  "My Mommy" has been an often used phrase and there have been many meltdowns so I would "Pick her up" and "don't pick up Mei Mei".  Yes, to be expected there are some jealousy issues being worked out.  Thankfully Naomi understands very little English...
4. Big Sister.  That being said, Kate is a tremendous big sister and I am so proud of her.  She helps and oversees Naomi continually.  When Naomi gets upset because she can't navigate the 2 steps in our house with her toys, Kate runs immediately and helps her down or up.  She has been amazing at becoming a big sister.
5. Helper Kate.  Kate loves to help me with anything that I am doing.  It usually presents a problem but at least she is well meaning.  From unpacking suitcases, to making beds, to putting together furniture, "Can I help?" is an often used phrase.  And she doesn't take "no" for an answer.
6. Night Time.  Kate has acclimated well to sharing a bed with Jessica and now will not go to sleep if Jessica is not in the room with her at night.  Last night I thought she would never stop giggling at something Jessica was doing.  It is music to my ears to hear her loving having sisters.
7. Kate the Dancer.  After discovering Angelina Ballerina, Kate is continually propelling across the house in ballerina style... often falling all over the place as she works to master balance.  She also wants to be a pirate after discovering "Jake and the Neverland Pirates".  "Yo ho ho".  Oh and "Lock down the castle! Guards, I don't want anybody in here!" has been her favorite cry this week as she imitates the Bear Queen on Kai Lan.  (Maybe she watches too much TV.  We'll have to work on that when the jet lag wears off and the house is clean again)
8. Daddy.  Kate is another one that misses Daddy tremendously.  She has taken to calling him "Baba" since we went to China and she is constantly asking when he is coming home.  This morning right after coming to consciousness, she asked "Daddy coming home right now?"  She knows it is Friday!
9. Overcoming Jetlag.  Kate is going to be the death of me when it comes to jet lag.  2:30am on the dot...every morning.  The last two, I have made her go back to sleep until 4:30am, but that was it... the latest she will sleep.  This girl is not affected by any sleep aid whatsoever, or by her bedtime, though I am considering making her stay up until 11pm if this doesn't change.  She could survive on less sleep than any adult I know.
10. That Smile.  Her smile still lights up the night.  This week she has reminded me that she loves me at the most random times.  She has showered my hands with kisses.  She has reminded me why we do the hard... because look at the difference a year and a half makes... and if it takes 4 or 5 years, it will still one day be worth it.  It's funny how much Kate feels like one of my bio children right now.  I really keep forgetting.

Naomi

1. Food Lover.  Naomi has food issues.  I don't know what she experienced in China, but when she came to us, she would fill her mouth completely with food, never swallow it, and just suck on it... for hours and hours.  When she finally did start swallowing, she has not stopped.  She loves food more than anything else and will follow it to the ends of the earth.  It calms her down, perks her up, and keeps her happy.  For this reason, I do not use it in any way to manipulate her.  It must be put in its place...first challenge.
2. Bedtime Hater.  Naomi hates to be put to bed.  Naptime and bedtime have been battle grounds this week.  Last night I had my first glimpse of hope when we put up the crib and put her to bed in it without a sound.  She did shake her head back and forth (her coping mechanism) until she fell asleep, but she has slept all night and is still in there at 6:20am... praise be to JESUS!  Ya'll just don't know.
3. Mama Follower.  If Naomi does not have food nearby, she follows me everywhere I go.  Poor girl is getting her exercise this week as I try to get things in order.
4. Attachment.  Naomi has quickly attached to me, but still refuses to call me "Mama" though we know she can say that much and overhear her saying it.  I am not sure what that is about, but I have had to work really hard not to take it personally.  I know it will come.  She does not seem to have a problem attaching at least to a primary caregiver.  I think she is afraid that I will be gone if she lets me out of her sight.
5. Sibling Adjustment. Naomi has a gesture that pretty much looks like "Away with you"... she often uses this on Kate.  She does not like to share and displays much orphanage behavior when dealing with her siblings...especially Kate.  I perceive this to be an instinct to fight for what is hers and to feel threatened by other children.  Kate showed some of this as well.  She is learning to trust.
6. Special Needs.  I am really not sure how well Naomi can hear.  I know that she CAN hear because she turns her head at every sound and when we call her name... I just am unsure if I am sounding like the Charlie Brown teacher to her with everything I say.  I do not think so, because she obeys certain commands that she has come to understand.  This just adds a little bit to the challenge.  She babbles like a baby and I am not sure at this point if she can say words though they said that she can.
7. Screamer.  Naomi has an ear piercing scream that I try to avoid at all costs.  It has gotten better over the course of the week, but the girl can get angry!  I mean, bloody. murder.
8. Laugher.  As amazing as her scream is, her laugh is even more.  When they brought her to us, they told us that we would have to work hard to make her laugh.  Not this family... she is laughing at the drop of a hat over here.  She loves car rides and going out in general.
9. Starer.  I'm not sure that it is a word, but Naomi Grace can stare you down... I mean without blinking.  I have almost taken to calling her "The Creeper" because I will turn around and she will have just appeared out of no where and be staring at me.  She could totally star in a horror movie... no joke.
10. My Challenge.  As challenging as this week has been with this girl, I would never, ever give her up.  I asked myself last night, if I had the chance would I hand her off to another caregiver...even temporarily... and everything within my being said "NO!"  She is my daughter and I am her Mama.  We are stuck with each other and we are gonna work this thing out if it takes forever.  Because we now have forever.

Top 10 Jet Lag Mama Moments

1. Spilling a whole cup of coffee all over the couch.
2. Over pouring the cereal all over the counter and floor.
3. Dropping a whole smoothie on my foot.
4. Turning into the wrong subdivision on the way home from school.
5. Not moving my fingers out of the way fast enough when I shut the screen door.
6. Forgetting to take credits against our contractor invoices (the contractors love me these days)
7. Putting away food in the trash can and throwing away trash in the pantry.
8. Knocking over anything my arms get near.
9. Forgetting to eat altogether until my blood sugar demands it (my body thinks it's night time while I'm awake, so I get the hungriest when I wake up in the middle of the night)
10. Smashing my finger between the washer and dryer (Don't ask)

Hopefully you've enjoyed this update that I wrote at 5am... I take no responsibility for spelling errors or things that don't make a bit of sense.  We just survived our first week and Daddy is coming home today and next week is Thanksgiving.  I think we might actually make this work :).

Why Schedules are Overrated

Why Schedules are Overrated

Posted by Candace

This morning as I am still shaking off the jet lag, I started to feel really guilty about the fact that I am not good at schedules.  Routine is just not my thing...never has been.  I have never been one to even take a shower at the same time of day... and it has long been one of those things I beat myself over the head with.

Particularly lately as we have added adoptive children I have mourned my total lack of predictability.  The first thing they tell you in adoption classes is that you need to have a schedule and stick to it.  They say that this helps your child feel safe and secure and will contribute to quicker transition and acclimation.

While I agree that predictability can help some children acclimate to life in their new family, this morning I am rethinking perspective on this "rule".  In China, when you pick up your child, you are handed a schedule... when the child eats, what they eat, when they sleep, what they do in between...this is institutionalized life... and yes, it is very true that a child can get used to a schedule and feel more "safe".

But as I was contemplating this morning and telling the Lord how upset I am with myself in totally failing in this area, He was quick to ask me.  "Candace, do you want your children to feel safe and secure in a schedule or safe and secure in you?  Do you want them to trust in routine or trust that their mom has their best interests at heart and will take care of everything?"  Well, of course, I want my children to trust me and in this regard, a schedule is just not that important to me.  This could be argued, of course, and probably will be by some who think I am off my rocker, but ultimately, for me, this answered the dilemma and gave me peace.

Just as we want our children to find their safety in us and not their circumstances, so does our Father.  This is why His greatest desire for us in intimacy and relationship.  He wants us to trust HIM... not our good deeds... not what is going on around us... not even what we are seeing with our own eyes... but HIM.  He wants to be our Rock and to be followed wherever He might lead with a total acceptance that He always has our best interests at heart.  He wants to be the One that we look to for that feeling of safety, acceptance, and security... not some form of religion that we have established in our minds will save us.  He wants "real", not "routine"... "fellowship" not "form"... "pleasure in Him" not "practice of deeds".  Focus does matter.  Perspective does matter.  As a matter of fact, it is the difference maker in our relationship with the Lord.

So I'll be over here content in letting my children learn to trust me and not the schedule.  It may make things harder on all of us for a bit, but I can't help but believe the results will be worth it.

Disclaimer:  I am not "anti-schedule".  I know plenty of women whose homes thrive off of them and I completely admire them.  I was just encouraged by the Lord this morning in how He made me and how my perceived weakness is a part of His perfect plan, and I wanted to share in case someone can relate and be encouraged.

The Danger Zone

The Danger Zone

Posted by Candace

"Ahab told Jezebel everything that Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword.  So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “May the gods punish me and do so severely if I don’t make your life like the life of one of them by this time tomorrow! ”

Then Elijah became afraid, and immediately ran for his life."

 

This passage of Scripture comes after a great victory for the Lord.  Elijah had watched as fire came down from heaven and consumed the sacrifice on the altar he had built, then he and some friends had killed 400 of Jezebel's cronies who were prophets of Baal.  So why in the world would Elijah not send the messenger back to Jezebel and say, "Bring it on.  Did you see what my God just did?  I wouldn't touch me if I were you."

 

One word.  He was exhausted.  He had built an altar by himself with his own hands and then he had spent the rest of the day killing the prophets... I mean, the man had a long day.  So when Jezebel sent her threats, Elijah's flesh kicked in and he ran for his life.

 

 

We are home.  We have completed our mission.  We have experienced GREAT victory. 

And we are exhausted.  In the midst of my sheer joy at being in a familiar environment with people who love us and have supported us through, I feel the danger lurking.  I feel it when my boys start to talk about their concerns with a larger family and new family members. I feel it when Kate will only be sufficed with "mama" and refuses to share me.  I feel it when jet lag causes our words to be short and our tempers to flare.  I feel it when Naomi has her meltdowns and all I want to do is run to bed and put a pillow over my head.  I feel it when Jessica is a bit obstinate and we can't communicate easily as mother and daughter.  I feel that danger... the urge to run... the urge to find the nearest cave and hide away from family, from everybody...from God.

 

While our time in China is officially over, our transition at home is just beginning.  This is not something that I can even easily explain.  It is so intricate.  There are layers to be peeled back, there is meshing to be done, there is this seemingly unattainable balance of affection to be offered... much, much, much to be afraid that I will never conquer.  And as if that was not enough... David is back to Atlanta on Monday for the week... it must be done.  He has been away already for 3 weeks and that has never happened in the history of his company.  I am back to work as well on Monday with 3 weeks of catch up on personal finances, company finances, Nathan's schoolwork, not to mention first post placement reports, going through our mail, unpacking, laundry... you get the picture.  Jordan goes back to school on Monday and has much to catch up on his 3 weeks away.  Can you see my feet poised for running?  Cause my jetlagged flesh is right there with Elijah.

 

I want to learn from Elijah's mistakes.  I want to hear the voice of my Savior whispering my next assignment, but I don't want it to be from a cave.  I want it to be from a place of confidence in the One who just brought us through what seemed completely impossible a few short weeks ago.  We need your prayers.  Those same prayers that kept us in the heat of the battle.  Here is where the spectators will be separated from the ministers... and I don't mean that in a judgemental way, but I know that some people have followed our journey from a standpoint of curiosity and other from a place of support and deep love.  We need you to keep on loving us in this way as we face the days ahead and find our "normal".  I really don't even know how long we will need these sustaining prayers, but I believe there is a day down the road when it will feel as though life has always been Jessica, Jordan, Nathan, Kate, and Naomi.

 

 

Right now, the boys are having a bit of trouble adjusting back to home, but also to new sisters in the house.  Jordan feels a little displaced.  Nathan feels a tad neglected.  Kate has made it clear that she wants to take precedence over her Mei Mei.  Jessica is pretty much in shock over everything... I can only imagine the HUGE changes she is experiencing because I know what it feels like to live in China for a bit... and she is here permanently.  She is loving on us and receiving our love, but it is still difficult to communicate.  I feel so bad that she can't understand anything going on around here, but she is really taking it in stride.  I just know it will wear on her.  She hasn't shed one tear since she has been with us.  While I know she needs to grieve, part of me wonders if she feels she has anything to grieve.  Her environment and life that she came from did not seem like anything she would miss.  She does have some friends that she still communicates with, but overall, I think this girl was ready and craving a family.  Naomi seems to love being home and has shown signs of compliance and attachment, but she still has her moments that make it seem she would much rather be back in China with her foster mom.  Ultimately I know she will come around, but it will take effort, time and love.  She still wants nothing to do with David and very little with the other kids.  So that leaves Mama to fulfill the needs and still take care of everything else too.

 

So you can see... we have entered the danger zone.  The tendency is to let our guard down and breathe a sigh of relief that it is over, but I have been warned that as soon as we do that, things will quickly fall apart and Mama will be running.  So instead, I will stay on my face beseeching the Lord to complete the work and leaning into Him as He does... letting His Word feed me and His voice lead me.  I would be so thankful to any of you  that can join me on our behalf.  Pray that we will refuse to run and that on the other side of this transition we will be the family that God has in mind.

 

 

Thank you all for loving us, for following our journey, and for letting it encourage you to more closely follow Jesus... if that is the whole purpose of our calling, it is more than enough.

 

All in A Day's Work

All in A Day's Work

Posted by Candace

One of the things that Jessica learned how to do at her school in Chuxiong is "Chinese Embroidery", so since her Gotcha Day I have had my eyes open for some of this stuff so I could bring it home to the US for her.  I was so worried that we would get home and I wouldn't be able to find this craft for her since "Chinese" is right in the description.

Finally today after our trip to the consulate to finish our US requirements to get the girls' home. I decided it was time to venture out into China to find some "Chinese Embroidery" for my girl who I had disappointed all week by not being able to find any at the guided tour places.  Jessica decided that this should be a mother/daughter trip, so we left everyone else in the hotel room and headed out.  To say that things like this make me nervous is an understatement... more like full blown panic attack... so as we make our way through the lobby I ask the Lord to get me out of this craziness...all the while determined not to disappoint my daughter again and fulfill my second promise to her (my first was to get here in time).  When we get outside it is pouring rain and since we did not bring an umbrella with us we have to make our way back up to the 15th floor to get one, where David answers the door and immediately groans "You haven't even left yet."

We finally get to the front of the hotel and jump in a waiting taxi.  The driver acts like he has no idea where we are asking him to take us, even though it is written in Chinese on a card.  The bellboy helps us to translate and you can imagine how safe it makes me feel that the man in charge of the vehicle is looking at us like he would rather have 2 monkeys in his cab.  As soon as we pull out, I start to panic.  "This was a very, very bad idea.  Jesus?"  I glance down at my feet and the mats on the ground have two letters stamped across them. "O.K."  "All right, I guess we can do this."  I have no idea where we are going so I am just hoping the rest of the ride that it is not somewhere to sell us on the black market or hold us for ransom.

We drove about 20 minutes and then the man points and jabbers at a large building right outside.  We have arrived at the toy and gift "shop" we were looking for.  Jessica and I jump out into quickly flooding streets and make our way into the building.  Right away I am overwhelmed with the urge to get back in another cab and go back to the hotel... the building is hunormous... and yes, that is now a word.  Six floors of booth after booth of toys, jewelry, gifts, etc. etc. etc., I had no idea where to start looking, but start we did.  We walked around the first floor rather quickly and then headed to the second.  Since I really have no idea what "Chinese Embroidery" even looks like, I was at a loss as store after store turned up nothing even close.  Finally we saw a "Paint by Number" shop and I stopped to ask the man with my card if he knew where the "Chinese Embroidery" shop was.  Of course, he knew no English except "paint, numbers, look, we have" basically selling words.  He got Jessica interested in his catalog of paintings and I had no choice but to sit down beside her and wait... and wait... and wait.  She wanted to look through each and every option... she was completely overwhelmed and kept saying "I don't know." but she also kept looking.  At one point I got up and explained to her that we could go look for the "Embroidery" and then come back and pick something here. I could picture David stewing in the room with 4 crazy kids running all over the place.  Jessica thought I was saying that I would go and come back for her... she was perfectly content looking at that catalog.  She had probably never seen anything like it in her life.

After 20 minutes or so, she finally pointed to one that she wanted (not nearly the prettiest by any stretch, but she picked so who cares) and we bought it and were back on our hunt.  I was still pretty hyped up and on high alert in this new environment with my new daughter, unable to communicate in the slightest. Our guide had written down what we were looking for in Chinese, so I showed this to a couple people along the way that pointed in random directions and at least let us know that we were on the right floor.  After walking and walking and asking and pointing, we finally came to a shop where Jessica's face lit up and she said "Mama. Mama!  YES!"  What do you know?  "Chinese embroidery" is another name for good, old fashioned cross stitching.  I almost laughed, but instead helped Jessica pick out a couple patterns and we were ready to leave.  Unfortunately the person running this certain booth had disappeared and we had no idea who or how to pay.  We tried to ask the woman next door, but she started saying something to us in Chinese.  Thankfully there were a couple shady looking island men standing nearby that knew English and Chinese.  They told us that she was telling us we would have to wait for the owner to return.  So we found a couple stools and waited and waited...and waited.  I couldn't take it anymore. "Jesus, thank you so much for helping us find this "embroidery shop" safely, now could you please help us find the owner?"  Then we waited on the Lord and waited some more.  Finally, the men who had translated for us earlier came around the corner with a Chinese woman who took our money and gave us change... who knows if she belonged there, but I paid someone, so I don't think I stole anything.  We thanked the men for their help as they smirked that we needed it.  I didn't care... I was thankful for them.

We headed back out into the rain.  Evidently flip flops weren't the best choice for the day, I decided as I step in my 34th puddle up to my ankles.  We walked to the corner to wait on a taxi.  Another man walked up the same time as I did, so we let him have the first one.  We waited some more... in the pouring rain... with flip flops on... and then finally jumped in a cab that stopped to let another lady out.  Left again to trust a crazy, random cab driver.  This one liked to weave and my girl was exhausted from the walking... and the waiting, so she laid her head in my lap the whole way back.  When we arrived at the hotel 20 minutes later, I breathed a sigh of relief and praise to the Lord.  I felt like people must feel when they finish a marathon.  "WE made it!" I said to Jessica... who looked up at me with a pale face and made it very clear that her motion sickness had kicked in.  I found myself standing next to her outside of our hotel room waiting as she spit into a trash can trying to keep from losing her breakfast.  When she was done, we reached the room and knocked.

It opened to David and Kate asleep on the couch, Naomi with hands full of snacks (to keep her from screaming bloody murder, I suppose), and Jordan and Nathan converging on me for lunch, which I did not have.  Because they were "starving" and David was sleeping, I had no option but to return into the weather to get lunch.  I also had no choice, but to take Naomi, the screamer, and her snacks with me.  I strapped her on with my sling, grabbed the umbrella and headed back out to McDonalds.  I was quite proud of myself when I returned without much trouble at all carrying lunch AND dessert for 7, an umbrella, and Naomi.  Piece of cake. 

You would think that after 3 weeks here, I would be overly excited to get home... at least I would think that, but I have to admit that I am torn.  China, now feels a bit like home... and it is home to my girls... one of which will miss it very much.  So spending our last full day in China, my feelings have been somewhat bittersweet... excited to get home, yes, but also sad to leave home.  I have two homes now, just as my sweet daughters.  I can't help but think that I will leave part of my heart here on Friday... not to mention, the maid service and the chefs that cook our amazing buffet breakfasts.  Yeah.  I'll miss you, China.

When You Just Need an Update

When You Just Need an Update

Posted by Candace

I really didn't expect this to be easy.  I was very prepared for the hard, but it seems no matter how you try to prepare yourself for transition, something about it will take you by surprise.

For me it has been how easily Jessica is adjusting to life with our family.  Yes, there are still "no" moments.  Yes, there have been a few where we have had to physically pull her off the floor where she was imitating a baby's fit... but for the most part, this girl is brave, strong and really quite hilarious.  Her file said that she was not as up to speed mentally as her peers, but I have seen none of that.  She has found ways to communicate perfectly with her brothers and to show us how brilliant she is.  She can read almost faster than me, and she can write like a boss in that crazy Chinese script.

Today at her medical checkups, we found what we had already suspected.  Her eyesight is pretty poor.  She will need glasses, or contacts as she is insisting on.  She was pretty hilarious attempting the eye exam.  It was funny to me that she was acting like the Chinese nurses that were giving it to her had the issues and not her eyes.  She also ended up with 5 shots (poor girl).  Never shed a tear, although this afternoon she has been a bit sleepy, grumpy, and blah.

While we sat waiting during medicals, a boy who was evidently scheduled to get a TB test was making a raucous near us.  This boy was very insistent that he would not get stuck with any needles.  He was resisting his parents, holding tightly to a chair, falling all over the ground, and being completely conspicuous.  After several attempts at getting him to cooperate, his mother had had enough and smacked him across the face, I guess (I didn't see it, but Jessica relayed it to me later).  I know it is not funny for a mother to hit her child like that, and in America she might have been in big trouble, but this boy was being such a baby (he was old enough to know better) and the smack was not nearly hard.  Jessica relaying this incident to us with dramatized hand motions was completely hilarious.  She just has a sense of humor that fits right in.  By the way, in China it is quite the norm for mothers to smack their children for misbehaving, even in public.  Our guide told us that her mother did it quite often...never her father, but her mother.  While I don't agree with random hitting of your child, it is quite refreshing to be in a country where applying the rod of correction will not get you arrested.  Not that I want to get into a discussion about spanking, but I have found that it has been a quite effective form of discipline at times.  Maybe this blog will get me arrested...I digress.

So Jessica, surprisingly, has been the easy one.  She has enjoyed the boys and they have enjoyed her, she has warmed to Naomi and is quite content now with a family of 7.  She has been a joy on this trip with her attempts to communicate,  her late night Skype calls with random Chinese people that we don't have any idea who they are (but they always say "beautiful mama" when I say "hello", so they are alright in my book), and her random hugs for Mama and Baba.  I know the hard times will come.  I am not naïve enough to think that there won't be bad days or meltdowns, but so far I love this gal more and more every day. 

Then there is Naomi... the challenge.  Naomi did not make a sound the first day that she was with us.  Totally compliant... our guide said we might have been blessed with an easy baby.  Not this Naomi.  The shock has begun to wear off and we are left with an often angry little girl who needs to be in
control.  Yes, I know this is probably normal and every child develops survival instincts in an institutionalized environment, but it is still hard.  Screaming last night... more today at nap time.  Naomi wants to eat cookies constantly (or any food really) and does not take kindly to being refused...like screams her head off for a half an hour.  I know that it is a safety thing, but to do what is best for her we have to slowly shut off the safety mechanisms... that and her stomach can only hold so many cookies.

Naomi will not let anyone else near her but me and emphatically pushes her Baba away if he comes anywhere near her.  When he picks her up, she screams bloody murder.   Besides the screaming, she has not made but a few slight other sounds and has not said any words, so I have no idea if she can talk... although they said she can say some words.  She points a lot...mostly to the cookies.

Not only is Naomi missing an ear, but her upper body is somewhat deformed.  David and I suspect fairly severe scoliosis, but we will have her examined in the states when we get back.  The Chinese doctors are not much help... they basically just want to pass the kids through and not raise red flags.  So we will wait.  Her belly is quite distended and we aren't sure what that means.  She wants to eat constantly, but I don't know that it is from hunger.  It could be malnutrition, but not sure.  She weighs around 21 lbs, a little more than Kate did when we got her at the same age.

So this girl is intricate.  In just over 2 years, she has experienced enough trauma for a lifetime and she is having a hard time processing it.  This is hard for me as her mama because I have no idea what her life was like before us.  Is she resistant to her Dad because she is afraid of men?  Does she eat constantly and hold food in her mouth and hands for hours because she didn't get enough where she was?  Is she having trouble bonding because she was in foster care for several months before we got here and she misses her foster mother (who she no doubt thought was her mama)?  I don't have the answers to these questions.  We visit her orphanage tomorrow so maybe there will be some light shed on these questions.  I don't hold my breath... in China, there is usually not answers, only more questions.  We have no rights to the knowledge that we so desperately need to parent completely effectively.  There is like this black hole filled with important details that we will never reach.  It took me months to get over this with Kate, and then I only did because she seems unaffected by her past now that she has been home for over a year.  Now that we are at this place again, I realized how much I despise not knowing my daughters' history.  Having to guess why Jessica has marks up and down her legs... why Naomi will not stop asking for cookies... 14 years of history in that black hole... 2.5 years of history whirling around out there in the forbidden.  This is the hard part of adoption.  This is the sacrifice we make when we choose someone else's child.  These are the moments I am slammed right in the face with this broken world.

And it angers me.  It makes me soooo mad.  I look at my daughters and I long to have the answers.  I long to know, just as I do with Jordan and Nathan, their every mood and why it is happening.  The background has never been so important and yet so unreachable.

So again, at the end of me.  This morning I found myself telling the Lord all of this and more in no uncertain terms... and you know what He said?  He said, "I know all of this, Candace, and that is why I sent you to this girl.  She needs you... she needs what I have placed in you."

And His voice makes everything all right.  "Okay, Lord.  I understand.  I'm Yours.  Everything I've got.  Everything I'm not (and that's a whole lot).  Your Hands and Feet to these children that You have sent me to. Help me not to mess it up.  Give me wisdom in every road block.  Help me to be the Mom they need to heal.  Redeem the black hole.  Just as you have done with Katherine Hope... redeem the time that Jessica Faith and Naomi Grace have spent without refuge...without safety... without hope in this world.  Thank You because You are SO MUCH BIGGER than facts... they have to bow to You!  You give ALL the wisdom that we need to become family."

In other news,  Jordan and Nathan are ready to go home (me too!) and Kate is most of the time a great big sister and only a few times has shown jealousy.  Like right now when she is screaming to go with Mama.  For some reason today has been a hard day.  But without the hard days, we would never know the overwhelming graciousness of God.  Especially on the hard days, He is visible.

That concludes this Roberts Family update.  Signing off from China.

PS.  I don't have time to add pics to this post, but there are some great ones of the medical visits on Facebook.