Hard Words

Hard Words

Posted by Candace

I want to tell you a story. 

I want it to be big and wonderful and glorious, but I also want it to be true and right and honest...a story from the heart...for God's glory and His alone.

I want to tell this story, not because it is easy to write...it's not...not because it makes anyone look good...it doesn't...and not because it has a fairy tale ending...it probably won't.  I want to take a risk and open the deepest recesses of my heart, so that the enemy loses ground in all of this.  I want to "kick him in the head" so to speak.  I want the Name of Jesus to be louder than any other song, and if God gives me the words, maybe this small contribution will move that goal forward.

Some of you will know parts of this story...those of you that know any of it will think that it started 10 years ago... it actually started much further back then that.  It started when my mom was born.

Honestly, I never thought that I would write much about my mom or my childhood until my parents had passed on.  I don't desire to hurt them in any way or to divulge things that might embarrass or offend...and if I tell this story like I want to, it has the risk of doing both.  Only just recently did it even occur to me that this might help someone else, and so I will take the risk.

My mom was born in the 1950's in Washington State.  My grandpa was a butcher as far as I know of his career and my blood grandma was schizophrenic.  She has one sister who is 10 years older than her and they were never close.  I don't know very much about my mom's childhood because she has never been particularly open about it, but I do know that it was filled with instability from the start.  When my mom was 14, her mom, who had been institutionalized for mental illness (in an age where there wasn't much hope for people with her problems), passed away.  Six months later, my grandpa brought home the only grandma that I have ever known and sent my mom to live with relatives in Oregon.  My mom had been very close to her dad and I am sure resented this new woman who had "replaced" her, so I am certain this, along with the loss of her mother, was very traumatizing to her.  I cannot imagine such darkness.  While living with relatives, my mother was abused.  I have no details, I only heard this come out of her mouth to the intake counselor at the hospital just a couple of weeks ago.  I had no idea.  Cast off, abused, shunned... the list is probably a mile long of things working against her from the beginning.

My mother's teenage years were filled with experimenting and destruction.  I am sad to say that I don't even know how she came to know the Lord exactly, but she met Him and her life began to change.  He lifted her out of the miry clay and she began to establish a life.  She met my dad shortly after that and though he was unsaved, he pursued my mom with a passion and eventually met the Lord as well.  They got married and became pregnant with me.

Around Christmas time before my July birthday, my mom thought she was miscarrying me.  She began bleeding and had to be rushed to the hospital.  She tells me that she prayed and prayed that she would not lose me...she had already had a couple of short previous pregnancies and she wasn't sure that her body would carry a child correctly anymore.  Obviously God was gracious, because here I am today, but after my birth, postpartum depression threatened to do my mom in.  I know only bits and pieces of the story, but the part I do know that she has always told freely and without reserve is that Jesus walked into her room one day and touched her and she was able to once again function normally.  She has always been very adamant that she felt His physical presence.  Oh, how He loves her.

Despite my mom's relationship with the Saviour, there were many things that she could not seem to let go of.  She held on to some major insecurities and some major fears.  She had a tendency to be controlling and manipulative, no doubt out of fear that she would lose the preciousness of what God was gifting her with.  She had three more kids after me and we became a good bit of her world.

My mom was born with a gift.  She is a very talented musician and over the years led worship in several churches.  Even in that gift, she had very little confidence, always berating herself for the smallest of errors, always feeling less than and threatened...never truly trusting the Giver of all good and perfect gifts, though I know she loved Him as much as she knew how to love.  Just as she loved us as much as she knew how to love...and looking back, I know that she didn't really know how to love at all...not as she really wanted to. 

Our childhood was somewhat unstable.  I will spare the details, because all I have is my 33 year old perspective and my moments with my own children.  My mom and my dad had marital issues throughout, but I specifically remember a few seasons that were particularly rough.  As the oldest, I took on a good bit of mental responsibility that I was not ready for.  I became a confidante in the rough times and children are just not meant for that burden.  Fear was often a way of survival and a close friend.  After many years, my dad left and my mom gave up.

Despite everything that my mom was not when we were growing up, she was my spiritual hero.  She loved Jesus so much and spent a good bit of our days trying to make us love Him too :).  She wanted so badly for her children to serve the God that had rescued her.  Our foundation of faith came from her.  I used to think to myself that if I knew one thing to be true about life and one thing that was stable and unchanging, it was and would be my mom's relationship with the Lord.  I felt that if that ever fell apart, the world would probably end.

And one day, it did.  My dad left.  And this added more damage to a woman whose fractures had never truly healed.  You see, though my mom loved Jesus and followed Him, she could never quite forgive herself or leave behind the guilt, shame, and pain of all that had gone on in her life.  She couldn't quite shake off the victim mentality that the enemy had planted from a very young age.  She knew the Word backwards and forwards and she believed it fully for other people, but when it came to herself, she just couldn't fully accept that she was worth the effort.  I think to this day she might believe that she is the only one on earth that was born unworthy and beyond even the help of her Creator.  I also think that when she got saved, she believed that everything was water under the bridge and she would never need to seek out counseling or speak of the darkness that had formed her into adulthood.  She was saved in a church age where church faces needed to be happy, free, and hopeful.  If you know Jesus, it fixes everything after all and we should go on to live glorious, free lives.  There was something wrong with you if an encounter with Jesus didn't fix your whole being for the rest of your life.

I want to stop here, because some of you still believe this.  You believe that when you got saved, even though you might still have trials in your circumstances and tragedies on the outside, when it comes to the inside of the cup, you should be perfect...never doubting, never fearing, never remembering bad days, or wrestling with horrible memories.  After all, you are a new creature...old things have passed away... and they have!  It is true!  But unfortunately, the minds that we are created with do not become new over night.  They must be renewed and they must believe what God says...on purpose.  You MUST know the Word and you MUST work to believe the Word.  Your mind will not just automatically accept what God says.  Some of the things He says will go against EVERYTHING the world has taught you to believe.  And the devil will fight.  He doesn't play fair...he will use every weapon in the book when he feels that you are moving forward in your gifting and purpose.  Many Christians never face these battles, because they never attempt to move forward.  They are content being heaven bound...who cares about changing a hopeless world that God will make new one day any way.  Some of us with this mentality need to examine if we are even "in the faith", because anyone truly following Christ will pray and work to be a good steward of the "talents" God has given them.  Once you begin walking hand in hand with God's purpose for your life, things will get challenging.  The enemy will fight, and as a good soldier, you have to be ready, or he will sweep the rug right out from under you.  He uses the most sneaky tactics and he has studied every one of your weaknesses.  If you haven't dealt with issues in your past...faced them...forgiven others and yourself...laid them at the cross and decided this life is not about you or your past...he will know and he will throw it in your face for the rest of your life.

My mom was moving forward.  She was working in her calling.  Then crisis hit, and instead of running to her relationship with Jesus after my dad left, my mom ran to what she thought would ease the pain.  She took control and ended up out of control.  The enemy had all of his weapons directly aimed at her weakest points and had just been waiting for an opportunity.  Her shield went down and he struck.  Eventually and through many horrid circumstances, she ended up institutionalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia.  She spent the next 8 or 9 years getting back on her feet and trying to reestablish some semblence of a life.

About a year ago, God was very gracious and seemed to grow my mom in leaps and bounds.  She seemed to be doing better.  She got out on her own.  She felt that God had once again rescued her and given her a purpose and I am very sure that He did.  I just don't think she was prepared for what the enemy thought of that.  There are still old and even new wounds festering with infection inside my mother.  Wounds that need to be brought into the light and wrapped with bandages of godly love and counsel.  When the enemy fought he knew exactly where to swing and he is currently standing over her thinking that he has given the knock out blow.

My mom is back in the hospital.  They are trying to get her meds adjusted and saying that it is deep depression, and no doubt some of it is a physical problem...but my mom also has a host of parasites.  They are lies.  The lie that she is not good enough and never will be. The lie that she is guilty and her sins have finally caught up with her. The lie that no one really loves her and she is unlovable and that's why no one ever stayed.  The lie that she should have been something great and look where she is.  The lie that she is powerless and hopeless and defeated.  She is consumed by these...never learning how to battle against the fiery darts with her name on them.  And she also has amnesia... What my mom forgets is that she is a child of a King.  She is a beautiful princess.  She has been given treasures that the enemy can NEVER take away.  She forgets that he is a liar and the father of them and that when she gave her heart to Jesus, she became safe and protected.  She forgets the end of the story and that she was truly created by a God who knows what He is doing with His creation.  She forgets that He is full of redemption and his favorites are the most broken, the most unworthy, and the most hopeless.  She forgets that God don't make junk!  And I think the Devil has forgotten too.  He has dared to mess with a princess...to kidnap her and make her believe she is his slave.  He has dared to put his ugly, nasty, "damned to hell" hands on her and he has forgotten that he will pay.  He has forgotten that when God's children cry out to Him in desperation, he comes running with smoke pouring from His nostrils and fire in His eyes. 

I don't believe this is how the story ends.  I want to believe and hope that I will one day soon blog again and tell you amazing stories of how God rescued my mom, gave her hope, and placed her in a wide open places. I want to tell you of the ways that Jesus is using her for His glory and how happy and fulfilled she is.  I want to finish this story with redemption and restoration...restoration of everything that the locust have eaten in my mom's life.  I want her to have a double portion.  I even want her to have a husband...to not be alone anymore.  I know that He can do it.  I know that He has her plan in His Hands even now.  But I also know that even if she never gets better, He is still God, and He will use her story for His glory.  You see she belongs to Him...eternally...whether or not she believes it...and not all of the God's children's stories have happy earthly endings, but I am confident that they all have happy eternal ones.

The older I get, the more I realize...the less we make life about us, the happier we are.  I must decrease so He can increase.  I am only a vessel...and when I am only a vessel, there is no pressure for me to have a reputation or respect or success or beauty or material possessions...that is all up to the Filler of the vessel.  He has the plan, and I am being taught right here and now to trust that more than anything I see with my eyes.  I pray that He will use what He has helped me to write tonight for His Kingdom and His Glory (and to knock the devil's head off).

Our desire is for Your Name and Your Renown.

Reunited with My Blog!

Reunited with My Blog!

Posted by Candace

So hello, blog, it's been a while!  I have missed you... I've just been, well, kinda busy.

As you all well know (from my 50,000 Facebook posts...and if you're not on Facebook you might not "well know"), Katherine Hope had an accident six and a half weeks ago and broke her upper femur.  The break was right below the place that her leg had been broken in China and healed incorrectly.  Thankfully she had a Mommy and Daddy for this break and when it was xrayed yesterday, the doctor was super pleased with how well it had healed.

YES!  Yesterday she finally had the cast that covered her entire left leg and most of her stomach and chest removed!  I cannot even tell you how excited I was.  Just the thought that soon she would be sitting in an upright position made my heart leap for joy.  You don't realize how incredibly God created the human body to work together until one of the parts is not working right.  In our case, we endured six weeks of a two year old who could only lay or lean.  Needless to say, it was a long six weeks and yesterday was worth celebrating.

The doctor's assistant used a cast saw to cut the cast off and we were able to video the entire thing!  Kate was not happy when she saw the saw and heard the noise it made, but despite the loud protests, she shed no tears.  When it was finally cut away and removed, she just stared at her leg for the longest time.  We had forgotten that it was still there :).  She lost 15 lbs instantly and today when I weighed her, I realized that she has gained NO weight.  She is the same size she was 6 weeks ago and still barely filling out 18 month clothes.  She is a tiny, tiny girl.  I just love miniature things, don't you? ;)

 

 

Not only did Kate need extra attention these last few weeks, but so did the boys.  Let me just say, teaching is NO JOKE!  And I am extremely grateful, now more than ever, for every invested teacher I have ever had.  By invested, I mean teachers who put their whole heart into their job because they care about their students and their futures.  Teachers who spend long hours planning and replanning until they know that their students will be able to grasp the concepts.  Teachers whose hearts sink when their students turn in work that could obviously have been better.  I have become one of those teachers...teaching 2 different grades my first year, no less.

I am learning a lot about education.  It is not necessarily measured by grades or questions answered correctly.  Sometimes it is measured by mistakes and the correcting of those mistakes.  It is not necessarily the information that you are teaching that matters most.  Sometimes it is simply the skills of listening, repeating, understanding, and obeying that will be used later in life.  It is not necessarily the love of the current concept that we are learning about that is most important.  Rather, sometimes the crucial thing is the love of learning and the willingness to stay positive through the difficulties and challenges.

I have realized that no matter what curriculum I am using and no matter what fact we are currently memorizing, I am teaching my children so much more than book smarts.  They are learning how to face a challenge head on, how to adjust to all things not ideal, how to be flexible and open to change, how to maintain relationships in close quarters day after day after day, and how to be responsible and self motivated.  They are also teaching me.  They are teaching me how to share knowledge and information, how to be patient when concepts are not being understood, how to manage my time wisely, how to take definite breaks, how use the smallest of life's moments as a lesson, and how to give myself credit for the tiniest advances in my abilities as a mom and instructor.

When God called me to homeschool, I was sure that it would be no big deal.  After all, I was getting a video curriculum that would teach my children for me...all I would have to do is babysit them.  Now I realize that God tricked me into this ;).  The videos did not work for my two boys with focus issues and a 2 year old little sister.  It was quite clear after a couple of weeks, that if I wanted them to learn anything this year, I would need to do it myself.  So here I am teaching and learning right along with my children, and loving every second of it (Okay, so maybe "every second" of it is a stretch...there is still math time after all).  I was called to this and for this and who knows how many years I will attempt it, but I am so grateful for the privilege right now of being the greatest influence, mentor, and teacher of all my children. 

In other news, well, I can't give the other news yet...and it's probably a good thing because this post has become long-winded already, but there is other news....  STAY TUNED :)!

Blonde Moments and Ortho Appointments

Blonde Moments and Ortho Appointments

Posted by Candace

Today was Kate's one week ortho check up to make sure that her bone was still in the correct position for healing.  David was super swamped at work, so he took the boys to the office and let me drive his car to Atlanta...brave man!  I must say that it was much easier to get Kate in and out of his little car than it is my big van.  Since she can't sit up, she has to lay across a seat in a harness in the car.  This presents a difficult entry and exit in the van as I have to climb in, shove my way to the back seat, lay her down, strap her in, and climb out.  So David's sacrifice was a big one :).

I rushed out of the house this morning forgetting Kate's stroller and her diaper bag and breakfast.  I seriously do not think I was completely awake because I haven't been so thoughtless in a long time.  As I was pulling out of the driveway, the light bulb came on, but then I realized that I had also forgotten my house key...so that was that. 

Kate's ortho is in Atlanta, so my drive would be around an hour.  I sent up a little prayer for no poop, and weaved my way down I-20 and 285 in complete peace and quiet.  The car was so serene without the boys arguing, fighting, and basically trying to kill each other.  I should have known I was in trouble when I missed my exit off 285 and added 10 minutes to my drive according to my GPS.  When I got on 85, Kate started to have a meltdown...and I do mean MELTDOWN.  She kept repeating through adamant screams that she wanted to get out.  So here I am in 85 traffic trying to keep my cool and avoid all the professional commuters, all the while trying to explain to a screaming child that getting her way would definitely not make her happier at the moment.  The exit I got off on was packed and of course, I was in the wrong lane to make the righthand turn directly off of it, so once again my GPS was rerouting me...and the screams were not stopping.  I glanced back at Kate who had somehow wiggled out of her harness and was now up on all fours in the backseat.  Traffic was bad on the reroute and I knew it would be 10 more extra minutes before we arrived.  All I could do was pray "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus... HELP ME!"  (Obviously I don't do well in high pressure Atlanta traffic situations.)

I contemplated stopping at a drive thru because it was now after 10am and I had yet to eat or drink, but I thought it would probably a total disaster since they couldn't hear my order anyway.  I finally arrived at the Ortho office after a few more U turns and a misstep into an abandoned building parking lot and pulled Kate out of the car...of course, her screams ceased immediately.  But I had another problem...no stroller... so I had no choice but to carry Kate everywhere in the cast that weighs as much as she does.  I also had to go to the bathroom, which was an Olympic feat in itself with a 2 year old in one arm.  I learned today how to pull up and button my pants with one hand!!

The doctor appointment itself went very smoothly.  Kate got a couple of xrays and then her ortho showed us that she is healing very nicely.  He scheduled the cast to come off in 5 weeks, which is Sept. 26th.  Nice to have a set in stone countdown.  I am very comfortable with this new ortho and we would have never met him had not Kate broken her leg, so I know that there has been purpose in all of this...remind me of that over the next 5 weeks, K?

After we finished at the doctor, we decided to have lunch at Boston Market right up the street and I only had to make one U-turn to get there!  It was yummy, especially after the breakfast of tic tacs that I had in the waiting room.  After eating, we stopped by QT right next door and got a pack of diapers because I wasn't taking any chances.  I changed Kate in the parking lot and we headed home.  All of this required a lot of muscle, so I was exhausted on the drive home.  Kate got the nap in the back seat and I struggled to keep myself uncomfortable enough to not let my eyes close.  After the hour drive home, I was ready to crash, but remembered as I pulled into the driveway that I didn't have a house key...and that someone had removed the spare and not put it back where is belongs (not naming any names...DAVID!).  This meant I had to drive to Loganville and get my keys from David...which means I would have to get the rest of the kids from David...which means no nap for Candace.

I promise I have a brain... I just need to go find out where I misplaced it.  It is probably somewhere back in dreamland wondering how my body is functioning without enough sleep.  Maybe I'll catch up with it tonight and it will be well rested!

Drama, Drama, Drama...

Drama, Drama, Drama...

Posted by Candace

Saturday began with nothing on the schedule.  I was cooking breakfast and hoping to get a little bit of work caught up that I was behind on.  Nathan and Kate were playing in the kitchen.  Nathan wanted so badly to pick Kate up and she, as usual, wanted nothing of the sort.  So he tried to lift her and she kicked him hard in response.  The result was a boom and Kate on the floor crying.  I turned around and went to comfort her.  This scenario is not unusual at our house.  The boys are boys and Kate is a unsteady, spitfire toddler.  She often ends up sprawled on the floor somewhere laughing or smiling or even sometimes whining and needing a little hug from mommy, but this time was different.  When I picked her up, her body went stiff and she had a hard time catching her breath from the sobs.  She clung to my shirt desperately and her eyes were terrified. 

At first I thought that maybe she had hurt her head, because it had also hit the floor, but when she could finally tell me what was wrong, she was pointing to her leg... the leg that had already broken once in China and had healed the wrong way...the leg that is already shorter... the leg that haunts me every now and then with the taunting thought that I was not there when she broke it and couldn't make sure someone fixed it.  When she wouldn't stop crying or let me move it at all, I knew it was time for xrays.  I called David, who was on the golf course, and headed for Newton ER.  Thank goodness I had sense enough to take the bacon out of the oven and turn off the stove.  I KNOW for a fact that the Holy Spirit helped me to keep calm because Kate was screaming her head off,  breakfast was still going on in the kitchen, the boys were doing there own thing, and I was still in my pj's.  Somehow we all ended up in the car ready to go in less than 5 minutes.  Despite my misgivings, I strapped Kate into her car seat suffering through her screams of pain and headed to the ER.

Once there, we were taken back quickly even though the waiting room was pretty full.  David arrived to find us already back in a room.  They took xrays and quickly discovered that Kate had broken her femur again.  Not in the same place, but right below the original break.  I was asked several times "now how did this happen again?"  I explained the situation to each nurse and the xray technicians and the doctor until I was tired of saying "China...previously broken leg...fibrous dysplasia...weak bones...special needs...etc. etc."  I know by the end I sounded rehearsed, but there wasn't much I could do about that.

Newton was kind enough not to try to repair Kate's leg, but transferred her to Egleston, so that pediatric specialists could determine the best course of action.  I was relieved and grateful, as I did not really feel comfortable with the local ER doctor in this case.  They let us drive Kate ourselves up to the hospital, so we stopped home and picked up clothes for everyone.  They were admitting us directly to the surgical floor so we did not think we would be going home that night.

We finally arrived at Egleston and were again impressed (we have been there before with Nathan) at the caliber of this Children's hospital.  Kate received such great care from the nurses who had to poke and prod her at every turn.  They loved on her and even tried their best not to mess with her leg until they had to.  Since we were told we would not have orders for surgery until the morning, we called my sister to come pick up our boys.  Love my awesome sisters who love my children so much.  The boys were actually stoked that they got to spend the night with their Aunts, so no trauma there.  David and I took turns keeping Kate company in the bed.  She was not in a lot of pain and barely had to take any medicine (one TOUGH cookie), but she was very scared and by night time was begging to go "bye bye".  I explained that the doctor was going to fix her boo boo, and though she was not very happy with the prospect of spending the night, she seemed to understand the necessity of all we were doing.  My heart rejoiced as I realized that she is learning to trust us, even in times of great pain and perceived danger.  As long as Mommy or Daddy was there to protect her, she would be okay.  We did, however, have to endure a visit from child protective services because of the femur fracture.  Evidently this is policy at this hospital, which greatly saddened David and I as we thought of all the cases of abuse they must see.  I won't lie... my heart about stopped when they told us that we would be visited and asked questions.  I have just heard so many stories about misunderstandings and jumping to conclusions and the like.  You can imagine how hard I prayed that Jesus would protect our family.  We had nothing to worry about as they all quickly assessed the situation and made notes in our file that we were clear from any suspicion.  I did, however, ask my pediatrician this morning to give us an official letter explaining Kate's diagnosis and prognosis for any future situations.  They woulda had to remove me from that room dead if they had accused us of anything :).

The night was pretty much devoid of sleep... I mean, at least for Mommy.  When Kate wasn't awake and crying, the nurses were in waking her up to take vitals or blood or mess with the equipment.  I am a light sleeper so hospital visits equal little to no sleep for this worried Momma.  At one point Kate's sugar was very high and the anesthesiologist suspected diabetes, but the next bloodwork came back normal, so we are pretty sure she does not have diabetes.  Finally it was morning and they came to take her down to surgery.  They gave her some loopy meds and we took some hilarious video in the OR preop room as she was pretty much out of it.  When the ortho was ready for her, she was not loopy enough to realize that she was being taken from Mommy and cried for me until we were out of earshot.  The only thing that kept me walking forward to the family waiting room was knowing that if I rescued her now, I would only be prolonging the miserable.  Separation was a must.

The "surgery", which was actually just the cast being put on, only took about 45 minutes from start to finish.  The orthopedic who treated her was a keeper and the blessing in disguise in all of this is that we were still looking for a good long term ortho.  We found him.  He came in when he was done and talked with us for about 30 minutes, answering all of our questions and offering his advice on Kate's condition.  We will follow up with him in about a week to make sure Kate's leg has not shifted in her cast.  The ortho's technician has also put Kate's "sock puppy" stuffed animal in a cast just like hers which we thought was so cool.  I cannot say enough about Children's.

After surgery, Kate was DONE.  As she was being rolled back in, still drowsy, she was frantically waving her arms and saying "bye bye".  She was ready to GO!  She wanted me to hold her, but when I did, she slapped me hard across the face and continued to thrash around.  After I got bit and gouged with fingernails, it was Daddy's turn.  Finally they brought some Loritab and that combined with a wheelchair ride around the 4th floor seemed to do the trick as our Kate with the twinkle in her eye returned.

She did really well after surgery, despite the large cast that goes from her chest to her ankle on the left side.  They cleared us to leave within 2 or 3 hours.  We strapped her into the car with a safety harness made particularly for the spica cast because you are unable to sit in it.  We grabbed the boys and some Krispy Kreme (which somehow made up for the lost sleep...love those things) and headed home.

Since then, things have once again been in an uproar around here. David and I are both fighting head colds.  The boys are bored without their friends who are at school.  Kate is tired of "laying" around.  We found that the umbrella stroller works great for keeping her propped up, but as any normal 2 year old, day after day of being tied down is torture.  Thank goodness for Nathan, who often gives her rides around the house when she is particularly cranky.  This works like a charm.  Despite being warned about getting the cast wet, we woke up to a pee pee soaked Kate this morning.  What do you do??  She's 2.  Yes, I will limit drinks at night from now on and change her in the middle of the night, but the damage has been done and the cast is no longer in pristine condition...after 1 day!!  Whew!  Only 41 to go.  I really can't even think about it or I will cry, so I will just continue to take one day at a time.

So no, not ideal conditions, but we never expected the ideal.  We knew the choice of Kate would be riddled with difficulties...mountains to climb, oceans to cross, casts to blow dry.  We have heard many "bless your hearts" and "we are so sorry you have to go through this".  Funny thing is, we are not sorry at all.  We are so completely blessed to have been chosen to parent Kate, and we are treasuring even the hard things.  In those hardest of moments in the hospital, all my heart could sing was how happy I was to be right there by my baby's side this time...to not ever again have to wonder how something happened or what she had been through...to be able to sing to her and kiss her and dry her tears and reassure her that all would be okay.  I will scream it to the hilltops WORTH IT ALL!  Forget competing in the Olympics or climbing Mt. Everest or skydiving or running a marathon or traveling the world... you want a rush?  Go get the children that God has waiting for you and then watch Him working LIVE.  Yes, girls are drama and we have lots of it here, but don't you think life is really pretty boring without the drama?

Leaving Kate

Leaving Kate

Posted by Candace

There have been moments since China that I have felt like a first time mom all over again, and today was one of them.  Three months ago, David had asked me to attend a conference with him at a church in Woodstock and since it was three months out and before I met my precious daughter, I readily agreed.  Amazing how a couple of months changes things.

Since Kate came home in May, she has not been out of our sight for more than an hour or so at a time.  We have left her in the nursery at church on Sundays only because it became a waste of time for me to even attend when I spent the whole service outside of the service.  Since we are currently in transition again in our church life, it has been several different nurseries, but only for a short amount of time.  I have developed my first post adoption frustration on several of these Sundays.  I really don't mind being stared at everywhere that I go (and I do mean everywhere).  I really do not mind the questions (even the ridiculously naive ones like "Does she look like her father?") because most of the time they give us glorious opportunity to share God's redemption.  I have realized over these weeks though, that I am absolutely aggravated by being treated like an overprotective, petrified mom when I drop my daughter off with complete strangers.  It hasn't been at every church, but at the majority of them when I ask them to call me at even the slightest concern, they look at me with this patronizing look and tell me that she will be fine.  I know that they mean well, but here's why I have a problem with that.  First of all they would not know if she wasn't fine without some basic background information that I have yet to be asked for.  When Kate is terrified, she doesn't cry like normal children, she simply goes blank.  She dons a look that any parent that has never adopted would classify as "fine" in the very moments when she is the least fine.  However, it seems that as I try explain this and tell them that she has only been home two months, they blow it off and give me the "fine" speech again like I have attachment issues.  Now I am not denying that I do.  As a matter of fact, I think that when I leave her, Kate is much more fine than I am.  I cannot wait to get back to her and make sure she is confident that I am coming back for her always, but I simply do not need to be looked at like I am overreacting.  I stood in a room in China and was handed a little girl who had only ever known an orphanage as home.  She sat in my arms terrified as I tried to comfort her with words she could not understand.  She finally has started to trust our love and I am not eager to give her any reason to doubt it, even for a second.  She is not old enough to know that mommy and daddy will come back.  I have valid reasons to be concerned.  The second reason this bothers me is a more prideful one...this is not my first rodeo.  I have done this two times already.  I have experience.  I am a professional.  When I tell a stranger that I want to be notified if my daughter breathes the wrong way, I expect them to take it seriously...maybe ask me a question or two about what they might look for or what situations to avoid.  I have not resorted to whisking her away as of yet because David is quite adamant that we teach her we will be back, and so far she has been "fine" (I know because I check on her at least twice during service even if I do get a few "what are you doing here again?" looks.), but she has also been VERY excited to see us after service, and has now begun to get scared as soon as we get to church that we are going to leave her in the nursery.

So needless to say, as this conference drew closer and closer, I became more and more nervous about leaving my daughter for the whole day.  I knew that I would need to leave her with, not only someone I trusted, but someone that Kate trusted.  Alisha Bowen was the perfect person to ask. She has been a close friend for a few years now and Kate absolutely loves her.  Not only that but she has followed our story from the beginning and knows the difficulties and differences between biological children and newly adopted children and she loves Kate.  Despite the amazingness of Aunt Leesha, I was still dreading leaving my daughter.  As I dropped her off, I fought the urge to turn around and go back home.  The thoughts that seem to consistently overwhelm me are imaginations of Kate as an infant and a toddler without a mother, being passed from caretaker to caretaker, never knowing the stability or love of a mommy.  My prevailing concern is that she will relate me leaving her to the only other transition she has known which happened in China when she became a part of our family forever.  As I drove away, I felt spacklings of guilt in the back of my mind...after all, she has only been home two months. Was it too soon?

Kate had a great time at her Aunt Leesha's.  She played with Leesha's 5 kids, took a nap, went swimming, and even went to the potty a record 5 times.  However, when it came time to reunite with mommy, she RAN across the front yard and held on tight.  She seemed a bit suprised that I had come back for her...surprised but thrilled.  She is slowly learning that she finally belongs...forever!

Moving to Albany!

Moving to Albany!

Posted by Candace

Don't start spreading the rumor yet, I'm Just kidding!  But if God lead in that direction, we would pack up and move in a heartbeat.  No, we aren't starstruck or looking to attend some huge, famous church.  As a matter of fact, that was the last thought on our minds as we headed to Albany this weekend.  We were simply going to thank our amazing Emily Flynt for all of her help with our Kate adoption and meet her precious family.

There is nothing much near Albany.  The policemen obviously don't have a lot to do, because we entered Warwick County and were pulled over within 10 minutes by an officer who didn't have anything better to do than stop threats to society like us.  I say that, because as we were sitting and waiting for our ticket, 2 different concerned citizens (one actually laid on his horn at the officer; quite audaciously funny) stopped in the median to notify the officer that there was a wildfire about a mile up the street.  He called it in on his radio and then continued to slowly write us up for going 15 miles over the speed limit in the only area of this 4 lane road where the speed limit is 45 mph.  He apparently had no concern that his town was about to burn down.

Our hotel was not much to look at either.  All the hotels in the area were booked because of a summer baseball tournament, so we settled for a Comfort Inn.  Despite the pics on the website, when we arrived, we were told that there was no swimming pool which disappointed the boys considerably. The air conditioning not only didn't cool the room, but it made the most annoying noises and the shower wasn't much better either with it's constant shrill humming.  The only saving grace was that the room was extra large and included a sofa which is a must for us now that we have become 5.

                                           Napping after a rough first night in the hot room.

So why, you ask, did we love Albany so much?  Well, it began when the Flynt's invited us to their home the night we arrived to meet her kids and swim in the backyard.  When we pulled up in the driveway, 3 lovely blondes and 2 dark skinned beauties greeted us as if they had known us all their lives.  Jay and Emily's children are completely precious and very likely to follow in their footsteps and change the world.  Her oldest three girls look almost just like her, and her youngest two (adopted from China) look almost just like Kate :). 

Flynt and Roberts babies

Emily and Asher, their first son

She told me that she doesn't need sunscreen :).

This little girl is gonna take the world by storm!

As Emily and I began to talk, it was sooooo nice to feel like someone was speaking my language.  I can't explain it, but your life totally changes when you adopt a child and your perspective is completely different.  Just as a person without kids cannot fully relate to one with them, a person who has not traveled this road, cannot fully relate to one who has. Don't get me wrong, I love to talk to others who haven't adopted and share our story, but it is another conversation all together to have another adoptive mom understand and speak to the issues you are dealing with and the worries you are carrying. It is just a pair of shoes you have to walk in yourself to understand... and by the way, I fully recommend these shoes!  So it was so enjoyable to just be able to talk and ask questions and relate and tell stories.  We did that all weekend with the Flynt's.

Emily's husband, Jay, is a pastor at Sherwood Baptist Church. Sherwood is the church responsible for "FlyWheel", "Facing the Giants", "Fireproof", and "Courageous"...several movies that God has used incredibly in our quickly disinegrating culture.  The boys and I LOVE "Facing the Giants" and never tire of watching it.  So we were excited to visit the church and meet some of the actors.  We were not prepared to completely fall in love.  See these actors aren't famous at Sherwood...they are servants...some are ushers, some are prayer warriors, some are missionaries!  They were so gracious to us...they took pictures with our boys...they quoted lines from the movie with the boys...  Stephen Kendrick (writer and producer of the films), whose family is currently in the process of bringing home their daughter, Mia, from China, stood and talked with us for a half an hour...asking us questions about our process and praying with us about our future.  I got a kick out of discussing an idea for a Sherwood/Kendrick Brothers film centered around adoption!  Wouldn't that be wild!?!  Not only were all of the people friendly and welcoming, there was not a bit of pretentiousness over the "fame" of the church.  And the music...The music will be heard in heaven for sure.  Mark Willard is the only music minister David and I have ever heard who can seemlessly combine Prestonwood and Gateway music in a song set and make it seem like they are the same church...and then add in a hymn or two :).  We swooned.  The message was built on unadulterated truth and it was obvious that the church does not compromise the Word of God to draw seat fillers.  These people are serious about Jesus!!  It only got better in the evening service...did I just say evening service?...yes, I did.  It was a more casual atmosphere as far as dress was concerned, but it only got deeper in worship.  I was touched considerably at the people who walked to the altar in conviction as the service started to end pledging to lead their families to revival.  The stories of how God has opened doors for this church blew us away and we left totally confident that God is fully allowed to work in the ministry of Sherwood Baptist Church.

Brock :)

He was in Fireproof and Courageous.

This was their favorite.  He is one of the senior pastors of the church and you might also recognize him as the "lollipop opposing coach" in Facing the Giants.

So proud of Kate Kate!  She braved the nursery for both services.

In between services, Emily took our first family pictures and can I just say that I am SO excited to see them.  Even the unedited ones she showed us were pretty incredible and I can't wait to get them on my wall.  Catching Kate smiling on camera is a feat to behold and it doesn't help when it is 95 degrees and the knats are flying up her nose and in her eyes, but Emily patiently worked with us and got some really, really good shots.  After the evening service, we took the kids to Burger King so they could play on the playground (we weren't up to braving a sit down restaurant with 8 kids under 12) and we enjoyed often interrupted, God filled conversation until they kicked us out!  At this point, I was ready to look for houses. I am so thirsty for community I could cry, but I know that it is crucial at this point in our journey with Christ that we wait on Him.  He is seriously working in our family right now and we are being very cautious to follow His every direction.  We are at a point that we have surrendered it all, and we want Him to be able to use that to the fullest degree of His glory.

So, no, we aren't moving to Albany...at least not yet ;), but we sure did enjoy our short visit.  And before we left, God reminded us that His promises are always steadfast and faithful.  He will not leave us wandering.  Please pray that the ministry at Sherwood Baptist will continue to change lives for Christ around the world.

Moms: Many are Called, Few are Chosen

Moms: Many are Called, Few are Chosen

Posted by Candace

"They" say that if you wait to have kids until you are in your late twenties and early thirties that you will be a much better parent and have much happier children.  I feel like I am a better parent this time around, but it has nothing to do with my age.  I think it has everything to do with experience.  Poor Jordan and Nathan were the "guinea pigs" for my improved parenting skills.  They taught me everything that I know today about how to take care of this new 2 year old.  I thought that it would be torture to go back to the age of diapers and naps and dependency on mom for everything, but it has surprisingly been blissful.  I know how to do this and that has changed my parenting mode from barely "surviving" to almost "thriving".

Every mother is called to be a mom, but not every mom is chosen to undertake the path that I have just been placed on. You cannot imagine how grateful we are that God is working this way in our family. When we began our process to find Kate, we thought that we were searching to complete our family with a daughter.  God, however, had other plans...or at least that is what we feel in our hearts.  We are currently praying for Him to open doors that lead to any children of ours around the world.  David asks me pretty much every day if I am ready to start the process again.  When I was little, I wanted to have 10 kids.  After I finished my pregnancy and labor with Jordan, I wanted to have 3.  After Nathan and his cleft palate woes along with Jordan's toddler years and David's new business, I was done.  After Kate, I wouldn't mind having 10. Seriously? Only God knows.  Where will the money come from?  I couldn't tell you.  How will the boys handle multiple new siblings from other countries?  No idea.  Why me?  If you know, please enlighten the rest of us.  I don't have answers, but I have a really amazing God who does.  As we watch Kate transform right before our eyes and realize that we are literally playing a part in the redemption of our great God, how can we not do this again...and again...and again for as long as He calls and continues to provide the resources, means, and open doors.  We might be crazy, but if we aren't doing something that involves risk for Jesus, than what are we really doing here. 

My vision for our family is that when it is complete, it will look a little bit like heaven...a family full of different colors and races, all uniting to worship the One True God.  I don't even know the next step at this point, but please pray that God will have His way in completing what He has started.  If this vision is to be fulfilled...if this is what we have been called to and chosen for, it will take a lot more than David and Candace Roberts.  So if in 10 years, you see us with our 10 kids on Facebook, don't be surprised, but also remember this post and give the glory where it is due.