I LOVE boys!

I LOVE boys!

Posted by Candace

I know that most of my writing and posting has pertained to Kate, and I wanted to take just a little "time out" to give some attention to the fine young men that I have growing up in this household.  Despite the fact that Kate is at the forefront, they have never dimmed in these parents minds and they are still just as wonderful and loved as they ever were.

Jordan is becoming very much like his father...hardworking, smart, and yes, sometimes very sarcastic.  He recently planned a basketball championship in our basement that would have rivaled the NBA playoffs.  His creativity often surprises me because he is built so logically.  Today he was recounting to me why Kia Lan (one of Kate's TV programs) is so unrealistic...I mean how could Kai Lan and Toley really win the boat race when they were sitting around discussing how to stay calm and singing songs...just doesn't make sense.  He has recently taken over our yard work at home...11 years old and he is edging and sprinkling and blowing like a teenager.  He astounds me with his capability and it won't be long until he is actually smarter than me (right now he just thinks he is)...then we will all be in trouble.  He is such a great big brother, not only to Kate, but to Nathan as well.  He has a sense of responsibility that only comes with being born first, and he rises to any challenge that presents itself, stepping in as "the man" to help me out.  I am really, really excited to get to teach Jordan this year at home and see how directing his focus will grow his knowledge by leaps and bounds. 

Jordan is a very talented baseball, basketball, and football player.  He has always played with heart and as he is getting older, he is learning the benefits of exercise and consistent practice.  Usually not a day goes by that he isn't out shooting hoops, hitting the ball with Nathan, or playing catch with the football.  The season determines which one, but he is a sports fanatic.  He blew me away last night at dinner.  The NBA draft was on TV in the restaurant and he started naming players and asking if they had been drafted yet and who they went to.  He is a wealth of knowledge. We are so proud of the young man that Jordan is becoming and we see how God is enhancing him through Kate's transition into our family.  He went quickly from "I don't want a sister" to "Kate, do you want Jordan?" Jordan is definitely our strength.

Nathan has a sense of humor that keeps us rolling.  Rarely does a day pass that we aren't truly laughing at something he said.  He has a flair for the dramatic and expressions that need no words to make them funny.  Nathan will tell you details that you never needed (or wanted) to know.  Today I took him to the doctor because he picked a scab on his knee and his whole knee started to swell (turned out to be STAF) and the doctor asked him a couple questions into which Nathan launched into a description that started from the moment he woke up this morning.  Even telling on someone becomes a chance to use his words as he very accurately gives account of the situation from location to time to severity in his overly dramatic fashion.  He brings such a spice to our life that we bore at anything short and sweet anymore.

Nathan loves to aggravate Kate.  I think it is because he has always been the youngest and now there is someone small enough to aggravate...that, and it is just Nathan's way to find your buttons and sit on them.  But he also loves to love on Kate and most of the day I hear him asking for kisses or calling her "honey" or carrying her around as much as she'll let him.  I have a feeling that they are going to be great pals.  Nathan even changed her diaper by himself recently.  He is a great help and very sensitive to others needs.  If he sees me having a particularly challenging day, it is not unusual for him to start doing things around the house without being asked.  Recently he asked to take Jordan's punishment for something Jordan was in trouble for...I ended up letting him because it was a great picture of what Jesus did for us.  He has a precious heart.

Nathan loves to play his Angry Birds game and also to make up all sorts of crazy board games for his Mario characters with poker chips and dice.  He has a creative imagination like his mom and sometimes comes up with the craziest scenarios.  He can entertain himself for hours once he gets started and I never question where he is in the house because I can usually hear him.  Rarely is he completely quiet, whether he is talking to himself, humming a tune, or yelling at his brother.  He is such an incredible joy.

I love these two with all of my heart and Kate has only served to enhance them. 

God, Our Sustainer

God, Our Sustainer

Posted by Candace

Yesterday Kate had her first orthopedic appointment in Marietta.  Truth be told, I had not really given Kate's "special needs" very much thought until yesterday.  For me it had become one of those "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" things.  David and I had agreed after Kate's referral that it didn't matter to us if Kate was completely handicapped for the rest of her life, she was our daughter...so I was not going to worry about all the things that it "might" be.  And for once in my life, I didn't worry.

We walked into a very nicely kept office and waited for Kate's name to be called.  We can tell that she has gotten very comfortable with us because she no longer sits stoicly on our laps for anything.  She is busy. She wandered around the the place like she owned it.  When they took us back to the exam room, she was much more chatty than she has ever been while we are out.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the whole family was there so she felt complete...but she wandered around checking things out and laughing and smiling.  She has been to quite a few doctor visits since she arrived so when we started talking to her about the doctor she was quick to say "No doctor".  She continued to enjoy her time in the exam room, but would come back to Mommy's arms at intervals with a sad face saying "No doctor, no doctor".  David got quite a cute video of it.

Haha..he was playing hide and seek with her and she got down on the floor like this to find him.

Finally the Dr. came in and she was very sensitive to Kate's aversion to her.  She stayed back and just chatted with us for a minute about Kate's history.  Then we laid Kate on the exam table for the doctor to look at.  She wasn't happy...she tends to associate doctors with shots right now.  They took her back for xrays and then the doctor came back and told us that she thought she had a diagnosis.  She thinks that Kate has fibrous dysplasia.  She showed us why she thought this and told us a little more about what it is and it looks to be the case according to what she showed us.  She also showed us where Kate had actually broken her left leg at some point and it healed back together very incorrectlly and not only increased the bending of her leg but also shortened it.

Fibrous dysplasia is actually catergorized under "tumors" in the medical community...probably because it can possibly grow.  It is areas on the bone that are fibrous and spongy instead of hard like a bone should be.  They weaken the bone so it is more prone to breakage.  It is a genetic condition that is caused by a certain gene mutation during growth in the womb.  It usually affects the humerus, femur, tibia, ribs, and face.  In most cases, only one bone is affected.  In rarer cases, multiple bones are affected.  In the rarest cases, hormones, thyroid, and facial bones are affected.  We don't know how bad Kate's is, but we do know that at least her humerus, femur, and tibia bones are affected on both sides...nothing else was xrayed so we are limited to that at the moment.

Right now we just have to wait.  We will get a second opinion and we found a doctor in Atlanta who may specialize in this condition and know the best path of action.  I won't go into all the things that we might have to do about it or how it may affect Kate in later life because I have promised myself that we will take this day by day and lean on God and His plan for Kate's life.

It would be very easy for me to talk about God as the healer right now...about faith that can move mountains and miracles that still happen today.  I know God heals... I know that He works miracles.  If you have read my blog, you know that I have seen them in my own life and that Kate being here at my table playing with Playdoh is a miracle in itself...the fulfillment of a promise.  Last night, however, after this diagnosis and a little bit of research I found myself sad.  I have more faith than I have ever had in my life, but I was still sad.  I asked the Lord why I felt like I did and I felt that He said I was simply processing something the way He had created me to.  He created us with emotions, we feel, we hurt, we sometimes fear...faith does not cancel out emotion.  You see, I had approached this situation the right way... I had put it in God's Hands and forgotten to worry about it.  I had little to no anxiety when we headed to the Dr. for the examination.  So when we actually received the diagnosis and it was a challenging one, I needed to process it...my emotions actually did what they are supposed to do.  I love my daughter and she is faced with a challenge and potentially many hard days ahead...that makes me sad.  I love my daughter, but I wasn't able to be with her when she broke her leg, to comfort her, to make sure someone took care of it and put it back together right...that makes me sad.  I know that God has every power to heal her and will if it is in His plan, but I have learned throughout this process that often He shows up as Sustainer, and yes, that too makes me sad.  Not because I don't have faith, because honestly, it takes more faith to walk through a situation and be sustained than it ever does to be healed, but because it means that we may have a need to be sustained in the future and that is hard.

Does it sound like I am walking in unbelief?  I don't think that I am.  I think that I simply am accepting the fact that we have prayed for God to get glory from our lives...however that looks.  Yes, He can and does heal, but that might not be the best thing for the big picture of the Kingdom.  Even since we have arrived home, we have followed stories such as Isabella's...who was adopted at the same time as Kate and has already gone through heart surgery and time in the hospital.  Or McKenzie...who was brought home to be diagnosed with infections so severe in her ears (easily corrected ear infections in the US) that have affected her hearing and may require surgery.  Or Lily who turns blue when she cries because not enough blood gets to her heart because her veins are tiny.  She has already had a stint put in and will need surgery and then more stints to widen the veins.  But you know what, if God hadn't worked the miracle of bringing these girls home to loving families, Isabella would be in danger, McKenzie would be deaf, and Lily would die...not to mention they would be missing the love and care that only a Mommy and Daddy can give.  God has already done miracles in our babies through the faith of their parents in a Mighty God and he will continue to sustain them in their journeys.  Their babies have not been instantly healed, but they are seeing God's sustaining miracles every day.

I think a big question for a lot of Christians is "why doesn't God heal if He can?"..."If I had more faith would it make a difference?"  If the key is more faith, wouldn't that be us doing the healing?  God doesn't need more conjured up faith from us, I think He only desires hearts willing to lay down the expectations of healing in exchange for His plan for His glory.  That is where I am at.  If it brings more glory to the Kingdom for God to heal Kate, then heal her, Jesus!  But if it brings more glory for us to walk through this situation day by day and see Him work daily sustaining miracles even if Kate is the worst case scenario, then sustain us, Jesus!  My sister reminded me this morning...the three men in the fiery furnace didn't say "God will deliver us!" period...they said "Our God can deliver us, but even if He chooses not to, He is still God and we won't abandon that fact to worship something else." Or Jesus put it like this "Not my will, but Yours be done".  Now that is faith!!   Our plans and desires decreasing, that He might increase.

Am I there yet?  Closer than I have ever been....that is for sure.  I would so much rather think of God as healer, than I would think of Him as sustainer, but contrary to where I was a year ago, I am willing to lay down my desires for Kate and lean on His.  He alone holds the plan for her life.  And already in this plan, we have seen so much of His glory.  Kate has been an example of God's redemption to a great many people...maybe soon she will also be a great example of His healing...or maybe all of her life she will be an amazing picture of Our God as Sustainer.  Either way, I am excited through my sadness to see God continue to show His glory through this fulfillment of His promise.

Kiss Me, Kate

Kiss Me, Kate

Posted by Candace

I just got out of the bathtub.  I had gotten in during Kate's bath to soak my aching back and ended up thoroughly soaked instead.  Kate had me giggling my head off as she poured water over my head and covered me in conditioner, body lotion, and shower gel.  Payback is definitely sweet to her. 

There isn't much that I can do anymore without this little one making it more joyful, more interesting, or more challenging.  She is a complete paradox and I love her all the more for it.  She can be frustrating, sassy, spunky, sweet, cuddly, obnoxious, and cute as a button all within a 5 minute time span.  She wants to be with me ALL the time and sometimes I do a 180 just to make sure we have not grown together somehow.  It is fabulous and exhausting all at the same time.  Life is definitely NOT boring. 

Today is a perfect example of the amazingness that is Kate.  Most of the day made it to my Facebook statuses, but for those of you who missed it :).  This morning she woke up and wanted to get out of my bed.  Nathan was sleeping on my floor as usual so I lifted her off the bed and let her down.  She looked up at me with her shocked face and then huge smile as she tiptoed around him and left the room.  Within 5 minutes she was back in and dragging me out of bed to fix her breakfast.  I fixed some oatmeal and then warmed up something for me...as soon as she saw mine, she no longer wanted hers.  After breakfast, she needed her diaper changed so we headed to my room to change it.  I took her old one off and she stood up and took off (a new game she plays...grrrr).  So I asked her if she needed to go potty and she toddled into my bathroom and sat down on her Princess potty chair (nothing went into the potty, but she knew what I was talking about).  I grabbed a quick shower while the boys kept an eye on her (which means she spent most of the time right outside my shower babbling in Chinese) and then I started straightening up the house.  I gave her a pair of her shoes and told her to go put them where they go and she took them straight to the basket in the next room and put them up.  We went upstairs to change her clothes and she would not let me dress her.  Before I knew it she had her shorts on all the way (without help) and was trying to get her head through the arm hole in her shirt.  I tried to help her, but she was adamant and after about 5 tries she had the shirt on perfectly.  The boys were downstairs fighting and complaining about their chores so I yelled down at them and told them to cut it out...Kate backed me up by running out into the hallway yelling "Joryan!" "Natetan!" and then random Chinese phrases that probably meant "knock it off".

I had purchased bed rails for Kate's bed so that she can start sleeping upstairs, but they had to be put together.  Kate insisted on helping so we slowly but surely got the rails put together and on the bed.  She wasn't much help, but she sure did cheer me on with a "Yay" every time I connected a piece.  Once that was done it was on to the laundry... I had to get it put away and out of the living room.  Kate grabbed the pile of socks and followed me around putting them where I told her to and looking fairly proud of herself.  Again "Yay"s every time we finished a pile.  She stuck with her task until we were completely finished.  In between all of this, we had to stop for multiple snacks...every 5 minutes that little finger points to a wide open mouth and something edible has to go in it.  Her favorites lately are goldfish, grapes, cheese sticks, applesauce, and marshmallows (which I have had to purge from the house).

Before I knew it, it was naptime. I put Kate into her big girl bed and gave her "beebees" (various stuffed animals that play music).  We (the boys were eager to help with naptime) shut the door to a crack and the boys took the baby monitor out to the porch.  I watched Kate climb down to the bottom of the bed and try to get down off of it.  She was not going to go without a fight.  I calmly went into the room and she started crying "Ma-mee" and reaching for me.  She seemed a little frightened so I thought I would take her back to our bed and try again tomorrow.  As I got downstairs and headed for my room, she started screaming.  It seems that she wasn't mad about the room change, she was mad about taking a nap period.  Well, little girl needs a nap or she is not happy come 6pm, so I thought I might as well try the upstairs if she was going to scream anyway.  I put her back in her big girl bed despite the ear piercing noise (which the boys were out on the porch listening to through the baby monitor and cracking up laughing...they have learned to read the screams already).  Kate has several different screams.  There are the ones of terror when she wakes up in the middle of the night (almost every night), there are the ones of frustration when she is not being understood, there are the ones of tiredness when she hasn't had enough sleep, there are the ones of sadness when she just wants Mommy, and there are the ones of ugliness when she is not getting her way.  These screams were pure ugly.  How dare I put her down for a nap!  After I left the room, she kept up the ugly screams for about 5 minutes and then it was quiet for a second before she started indignantly yelling "Ma-meeeeee!" at the top of her lungs.  She would yell it and then pause to see if it was working.  Finally she realized it wasn't and got really quiet.  I thought "yes! she's asleep!"  I went and peeked in on her and she was sitting straight up in bed, shaking her sippy cup upside down, trying to make something come out of it and on to the bed.  If screaming won't get Mommy, I guess a mess in the beautiful princess bed might...lol.  Such sass!  When she got tired of trying, she laid down and went to sleep.  She only slept for around an hour, but she slept in her bed!!!  I made sure to make a huge deal about it and she smiled big when I told her how great of a job she did.  She learned how to say "I did it!"  Sooo cute.

I was not expecting the short nap time and I had things to finish (I only count on 2 productive hours a day) so I sat down to try to finish them.  Nothing doing... Kate staked her claim on my lap and went to touching and destroying everything that I was working on.  Before the frustration overwhelmed, I quit working and just enjoyed interaction with her silly 2 year old self.  She is so funny.  She tries to repeat everything that we say and she communicates things in her own very intelligent way.  Sometimes I don't understand what she is trying to say at first, but suddenly I will realize what she means and it will crack me up. 

I can't describe her perfection accurately or the way that she fits like a glove into this family.  Any time of day or night you will hear "Give me a kiss, Kate."  The boys want them just as desperately as we do.  There is something miraculous about becoming Mom and Dad and brothers to a little girl who has never known this kind of love.  Every day is something new, something different, something extra.  Such a perfect representation of our relationship with our Father.  The lessons are often life changing as we watch God do a work right before our eyes that He usually only does in our hearts.

Tonight as I was being acosted in the bathtub, I once again mourned for Kate's parents.  This has become an every day occurance for me, because though we have been brought much joy through this precious gift, it was at the expense and sacrifice of another...probably a sacrifice that was forced.  My heart hurts that they are missing out on the giggles and the smiles and the screams and the kisses.  I wish I could at least send them pictures so that they could know their little girl even from far away.  So tonight I am pretending that somehow they follow this blog...that they are smiling and looking at each other and arguing about which of them she sounds more like...that they are crying bittersweet tears at hearing how well she is doing, but missing being present for her moments.  Momma and Daddy, your little girl is safe, she is healthy, and she is ridiculously happy.  We love her more than we ever knew possible and we treasure her to the fullest every day.  You have not only given her life, but you have given us one of the 3 greatest gifts we have ever received.  Thank you.  Sending you kisses from Kate.

The more I get to know Kate, the more that I am sure that we robbed China of treasure.  She is completely priceless and we feel so privileged to have been chosen by God to be her parents.  She is just one little girl, but the redemption that is happening in and through her life is absolutely holy.  How can we help but think about bringing home a sister? :) 

A Few of Our Favorite Things

A Few of Our Favorite Things

Posted by Candace

Today marks one month since the day Kate was put into our arms. I am simply amazed at the depth of God's fulfilled promises. I was scared to death before the day that I met her, not knowing if I would be capable of properly parenting this little girl and giving her what she needs. The unknown requires great trust and I am still working on trust. Since that first day, however, God has given great grace as He always does and we are doing just fine.

Kate is an absolute wonder. I feel like we stole her from China! What a deal we got! She is not perfectly sweet or always loving, but I love that about her. I love that she is "real". She is beautifully flawed, but in those flaws I see myself all the more. She is spunky, but sometimes very afraid. She wants desperately to do some things, but is held back by knowing her many limitations. She is expressive and gorgeous and full of life. I love to watch her learning to trust more each day and as I do I am reminded of the way my Adoptive Father feels about me.

Some favorite things about Kate... Of course, her gorgeous smile...it completely lights up her face and steals our hearts. She smiles and laughs when we do. She says her Chinese name and we tickle her. It has become a game. I love it that she throws things when she is done with them...hard. It is her adamant way of letting us know that she is finished and though at times it is very inconvenient (and we are trying to teach her other forms of communication) it is also quite hilarious. She has not learned a lot of English, but her Chinese vocabulary is astounding. She gets quite frustrated when we don't understand or are not paying attention (because we don't understand), so her little voice will get louder and louder until finally she is crawling all over us, screaming out what she wants. Sadly sometimes it is only then when we realize how much communication matters. She is very technical, even at 2, and is drawn to all electronics...which can be quite interesting when I am trying to use the computer or my phone or the remote or the iPod. She loves the boys DS game and will open and shut it, so it is not unusual to hear "Hello, I'm Mario" and "Bye bye" followed by a little Chinese voice saying "bye bye"...over and over again. She doesn't cry when she gets hurt, instead she bites and pinches...it makes her mad and she blames the closest person to her (we are working on correcting this too :). She takes things from us and hides them behind her back so we will try to get them...she thinks it is quite humorous even though mommy does not find it funny when she really needs something. She has the strongest grip I have ever seen on a little girl. Her skin is soft and perfect which makes me really mad at mosquitos this year because they really love her. She loves to go bye bye so we don't sit still much and with Jordan and Nathan home for the summer, we are off to more adventures today.

 

When God promised that Kate would bring much joy to our family, I must confess it was very difficult to believe Him. The months leading up to her arrival were most difficult for me. I have a very active imagination that the unknown is just fuel for. Today I stand completely amazed at what God has done and what He will do if we will just believe Him and move forward. You may be scared to death like me...you may even feel like you are walking off of a cliff...but if you are following Jesus, He will catch you. There is nothing like standing in front of a mountain and watching it move before your very eyes. TAKE THAT NEXT STEP!!! It is worth it!

 

Please Don't Fight These Hands That Are Holding You

Please Don't Fight These Hands That Are Holding You

Posted by Candace

Our Kate is a fighter...and when I say "fighter", I mean literally.  She kicks, she screams, she pinches, she bites, she hits, she scratches...she tries to hurt us...she even tries to hurt herself.  Why?  Probably because this little 2 year old is hurting and afraid and frustrated inside and does not know how to deal with it or communicate it.  Though we love her, we hold her, we rock her, we feed her, we give her everything we know how to give, she still fights us...she still resists us...she still gets angry and afraid when she is not in control.

There is a song that plays on the radio that captured my heart right before we completed this adoption.  "And I'll be by your side whenever you fall, in the dead of night or whenever you call, Child, please don't fight these Hands that are holding you. My Hands are holding you"  It spoke to me so deeply because I fight.  I kick, I scream, I bite, I fear and still He gathers me close and whispers that it is okay.  He reassures me that if I would just stop fighting Him and trust that I would save so much energy.  He tells me that I am safe and I am free to live as if I am.

Kate and I are so very much the same.  I am learning more and more each day that often I live as an orphan, instead of an adopted daughter of a King.  I often revert to old habits that I learned to keep myself feeling safe and protected.  I want to be in control all the time.  I want to be in charge of me.  I don't want to give that power to anyone else...even God.  And yet I am missing so much in living this way.  I am missing the peace and joy of resting in quiet confidence in my Father.  Just as Kate is expending energy protecting herself from the ones who love her the most, I often put up walls of protection that do nothing but harm me.

It may take lots of time for Kate to learn that she is safe with us...that we only want what's best for her...that we love her beyond comprehension, but our hope and prayer is that she will progress daily in this knowledge.  Just as Paul prayed for us that we would grow to know the height, depth, and width of the love that God has for us.  That daily we would come to think a little less like orphans and a little more like beloved children.  That someday soon we would stop fighting the Hands that are holding us.

For Our Kate (By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North) Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face Just don't turn away Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching? As if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, Tell me where will you run? To where will you run? I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Look at these hands, at my side They swallowed the grave, on that night When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in And give you life I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you And I, I love you And I want you to know That I, I'll love you I'll never let you go I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you

Orphanage Effects

Orphanage Effects

Posted by Candace

While in China, David and I visited Kate's orphanage.  I chose purposely not to write about the visit because I felt like I needed more time to ponder it in my heart.  This morning I woke up with that place on my mind.  And I need to write... I need others to know... I need others to care.

When we arrived in Kate's city, we were flabbergasted at the conditions.  I literally felt like I was in a movie about a war torn area, not in the place that my daughter had spent her first 2 years.  The pictures that I took tell the story of poverty that we rarely see in America, but is quite the norm in the outskirts of China's huge cities.  As we got closer to the orphanage, I began to comprehend why so many special needs children are abandoned here.  My heart did not want to understand...it wanted to go on thinking that something was wrong with these people...that they were cruel and did not care about their children. It is so much easier to think that, then to realize that in many cases these children are abandoned as a matter of survival for their parents...and not only for their parents, but for the children themselves.  What do you do with a child that is not healthy when you are barely able to provide for yourself.  These people love their children.  It is apparent when you adopt one and smiles and stares surround you everywhere you go.  A good many people seem very happy that another one has a home.  I began to understand all of this despite my best efforts not to...because there is pain in accepting that the woman who gave life to your child may not have desired to turn her back on her.  She probably had all the God-given motherly instincts, but no resources to fulfill them.  She very well may have given Kate up to save her life.  Oh how I pray for Kate's birth parents.  I wish I could know them.  I wish I could help them.

We pulled into the orphanage parking lot in the middle of the main city.  We were greeted by several workers who were very excited to see Kate.  They asked her several questions and when she replied they laughed.  She would not let any of them hold her and the "glazed" look in her eyes had returned...the one that makes her look very unsure of what is going on around her.  She gets that look when her heart is hiding and scared.  She clung to us, but I am still unsure what to think of that.  How can you spend the first two years of your life with a certain group of people and not be so very happy to see them again after only 4 days of being away?  At the time, we felt excited that she had attached so quickly to us, but looking back I am unsure of what to think of her reaction to being back in the only "home" that she knew.  It scares me to pursue this line of thinking.  I wish I knew what a day in the life of these orphans looked like.  I wish that I had video or pictures of Kate's life before us.  I wish I could read details of how the workers are taught to interact with the children.

We entered a courtyard that seemed quite pleasant and made our way into the building.  Everything seemed very clean and orderly.  We got a glance in the kitchen where workers were already preparing food for the day and at a room that the children used for learning and eating.  Then we were lead upstairs to Kate's "room".  Bear with me as I try to convey what we saw.  I don't know quite how to write on paper what my heart feels, but I know that God is calling me to take someone into this room.  As we entered, we saw 5 or 6 chairs lined up in front of probably 20 beds and cribs.  In the chairs were children ready to greet Kate.  They were excited to see her and gave her candy.  What caught my attention instantly were the babies (I love babies)... there were 3 or 4 infants lying in cribs in this room.  These babies were completely quiet...no movement...no cooing...no crying...nothing...and their eyes were wide open.  They weren't sleeping...they were just silent.  It struck me as eerie.  I asked to touch the babies and was given permission.  I wanted to pray for each of these children and to touch them with a tiny bit of love.  As I touched these babies they got agitated...a couple even started crying.  These infants were not used to human contact.  The nannies at the orphanage all seemed very nice and loving and the children were well groomed and taken care of physically, but something was missing in that room.  Mommies were missing...the kind that respond instantly to their child's cries so that the baby knows to communicate this way gets its needs met...the kind that will stay up all night if necessary to comfort their baby...the kind that go to the ends of the earth to heal the hurts of their children...the kind that make a child feel safe and loved and free to grow up unafraid.  Daddies were missing...the kind that use their strength to defend their child and his or her needs...the kind that come home after a long day of providing for the family, but still have a little energy left to play a game or wrestle...the kind that wake up in the middle of the night just to kiss their babies face one more time.  This was missing in this room.  This was missing for 2 years of my daughters life.  This was missing for the rest of these children who were not going home to learn a new way of life.

I have begun reading about the effects that institutionalized life has on children, even from birth.  Most people do not realize the importance of the infant years.  We automatically cuddle and love and respond to our babies.  We love nothing more than to hold them, to feed them, to kiss them.  My daughter did not even know how to kiss or what a kiss was.  We have had to teach her that very simple act of love.  My Kate had spent 2 years without kisses!  This should NOT be!!!  As I read, I find out that God wired us to begin learning to trust from birth.  The infant and toddler years are CRUCIAL in the forming of a child's brain and his or her ability to handle life and to trust.  If an infant is cuddled and loved and fed and changed...if a baby knows that when they cry someone who loves them will respond...then their brain begins to develop a connection with their caretaker and trust is born.  They don't even know that they are an individual...they think that they are a part of the caretaker...which is why we know what seperation anxiety is...because up until that point a child has no fear of abandonment.  Orphans are different.  Orphanages run on strict schedules, not on the cries of a baby.  Babies learn that their cries are not usually answered...they learn not to cry...and as they grow, they only learn to survive.  My Kate is a survivor.  She is terrified when she is out of control...when she has to put her well being in the hands of another.  She fights us.  She screams, she hits, she bites, she pinches (we stifle laughs most of the time at her sassy attempts to hurt us because she is so serious about it, but you can tell she doesn't really want to hurt us).  She doesn't trust, because trust might mean danger.  Her brain is telling her that she is alone...and she doesn't want to be alone.

There is so much more that I could write or explain.  I would love to take up more of your time to share what I am learning about the similarities of physical adoption in this world and our spiritual adoption in Christ.  I am learning so much, so quickly about why we struggle spiritually even after becoming new creatures and adopted sons and daughters of the Most High.  I see so much of me as a Christian in Kate and her battles with trust.  Maybe I will expound more later on all of that, but right now I want to plead with you.  I want to ask you not to turn your back, ignore, or be too busy for the call of God.  If He is pricking your heart, through our story, through circumstances, through His Word, please do not be passive about it.  So many children out there need you.  First and foremost, they need love, but they also need resources and prayers.  You may not think that you could love a child that was born to someone else or you may be afraid that you don't have the money or the time to spend on this process or you may feel very comfortable in your "safe" life and wonder why you would ever "mess it up" when you would only be helping one child any way.  I promise you that I have had ALL of the same thoughts.  This journey was not simple.  It was one that stretched us and challenged us at every step.  It was one that took days and nights on our knees and in His Word.  It was one that consumed a year and a half of our life and is still consuming.  Would I change it for anything?  NO!  I have run away from hard things for a long time and I am now realizing that life only becomes great through hard things.  The Kingdom is built through those willing to walk through hard things.  Heaven is FULL of people who did hard things.  Things that required every ounce of strength and faith that they had.  Things that showed the glory of God and His Presence on this earth.  We are a culture of comfort and ease, but God is a God who shows up STRONG in the most difficult moments...and it drives you to your face in worship.  That is the only place on this earth worth being.  If there is a desire in your heart to help, don't let it go...don't ignore or forget it.  Keeping seeking, keep knocking, keep trying to understand what it is that God is calling you to.  Don't get to the end of your life and wonder what you left on the table...

Now I have begun to realize why Satan fought us so hard throughout this journey...why some days it seemed easier to just forget it and go on with our "American dream" life.  He knew that Kate was not the only one to be redeemed in this process...she isn't the only one to be healed...she isn't the only one to be freed.  God is healing me...He is healing David...He is healing Jordan and Nathan.  We are all seeing deeper into His amazingness.  How bout you?  Say YES.

For Those of You Who Like Details...

For Those of You Who Like Details...

Posted by Candace

Yesterday was the longest Saturday of my life!!  We left our hotel in Hong Kong at 6am Saturday morning and arrived in Atlanta at 9pm Saturday night.  Sounds like it wasn't a bad day until you realize that China is 12 hours ahead of us and we were actually travelling with our 2 year old for over 24 hours yesterday.  And that doesn't even include the day before when we had to journey back to Hong Kong by van from Guangzhou.  The van ride was supposed to be 3 hours, but ended up more like 5 with traffic and a flat tire.  We knew we were in trouble when Kate had a good bit of trouble sitting at all in that van.

Yesterday was, in a word, a miracle.  Picture 2 people with a 2 year old, 5 suitcases, 4 carry ons, a stroller, and several blankets, sweatshirts, etc. making their way from the other side of the world.  Then add to it the fact that I was coming down with something...splitting headache and horribly sore throat.  Our journey started in the Hong Kong airport where it took twice as long and a little bit of money to get Kate's ticket changed from her US name to her Chinese name so that it would match her passport.  At first they told us that we had to repurchase the ticket, but then allowed us a $75 change fee...gotta love Delta...$75 to change a name.  Then we lugged all our stuff through security as Kate is screaming because she doesn't want to sit in the stroller.  When I say screaming, the girl has a set of lungs.  I will tell you that the only thing that kept me from turning around and heading back to the Hong Kong hotel is that fact that God kept reminding me that every minute was a minute closer to home.  David actually looked at me and said "Let's take our time.  We will be okay.  We can do this."  That is not David, especially when we are already running behind schedule.  He felt the weight of the trip too.

The first flight was only 3.5 hours, but it felt much longer as Kate had several complete meltdowns.  By the end of the flight we were pulling out the Benedryl (which, btw does not seem to have any affect on her).  We got to Tokyo and had to go through security and immigration again since we were in another country.  It is so much easier to write all of this then it was to do it.  Then we had a 3 hour layover in which all Kate wanted to do was explore the airport and all I wanted to do was to sleep.  An hour before we boarded our 10 hour flight to Seattle she fell asleep for her nap.  This was trouble for us because we knew we had lost an hour of her sleeping on the plane.  Sure enough, 2 hours into the flight she was wide awake and ready to go.  Kate is not a "sitter", she is an explorer.  She wants to be up and going and playing and she wants her way ALL of the time.  If she does not get her way, she lets out the LOUDEST bloodcurdling screams I have ever heard.  So yes, you guessed it...she screamed the majority of the last 7 hours of the flight.  This mama was feeling sick, and daddy was sitting by a completely drunk guy who slept the whole flight, but also took up the armrest.  I cannot even tell you how we survived this flight.  Well, yes I can.  Jesus.  I called on His Name probably more than a hundred times. 

When we got to Seattle, we almost knelt down and kissed the ground.  It was so nice to be in America again.  I felt sick and tired, but also overjoyed that our journey was almost over.  We passed through immigration and customs...that was a hoot to get all our luggage through by ourselves and then we crashed by our gate to wait through a 4 hour layover.  I tried to sleep on the airport floor, but sleep is hard to come by when you feel like your head is exploding, you are on a hard floor, and your daughter is pulling your husband all over the airport.  David was SUCH a trooper and is so good with Kate.  He completely amazed me on this trip.  Finally we boarded the flight to Atlanta.  Kate was exhausted by then, as were we all, so thank GOD in heaven most of the trip was spent sleeping.  At this point, David is feeling sick too and I have used my last diaper.  Of course as we are making our final descent and I am exhilerated at the fact that we are home, trying to soak in all the excitement of seeing the boys, Kate poops.  And boy did she poop...gross, I can still smell it... and boy, did she want to be changed (who wouldn't).  And boy did I wish that I wouldn't have changed the slightly peed in diaper halfway through the flight.  The upside was that we had reentered the US in Seattle so all we had to do was go get our luggage and get to the car.  I found a small store that sold me a travel pack of 2 diapers for $7... I think that should be illegal...and changed Kate (it was seriously gross, but she's my daughter so I handled it).  We were HOME, and that was all that mattered.  We drove home and the boys met Kate and then quickly pulled out our suitcase full of goodies that we brought back...they don't waste time with presents.

I'm sure it will take me a couple of weeks to process this journey.  The two weeks we spent in China felt longer than 2 weeks.  Maybe then I can accurately put into words all the emotions and thoughts that run through me about my stay in my daughter's country.  All I can say right now is that this journey is complete proof that God DOES exist.  Kate is complete proof that He is a loving Saviour.  The trip home is complete proof that anyone can do anything when the Hand of God is on their side.  I am a living testimony of the goodness of God.  When you doubt it, think of me, think of this blog.  I cannot even tell you how impossible all of this would have been if there was not a God.  There are a million details that showed His handiwork.  David looked at me on the ride home in his car (it is weird to be driving the streets of Atlanta after 2 weeks of buses and taxis and shuttles. David described it as driving streets of gold...lol) and said "I don't know how anyone ever adopts without God's call in their life."  We both felt His Hand, His Provision, and His Great Love for Kate.

Kate is doing well.  She is fascinated with Jordan and Nathan and I think in a few days it will be as though she has been here all along.  She has a long road of doctor visits and such ahead of her as her arm and leg deformities are a little more serious than we thought.  She is the perfect combination of beauty, sweetness, sassiness, and naughtiness :).  She will need to learn that her cute faces do not always equal getting her way, but she is smart and strong and oh, so lovable (when she is not screaming bloody murder :).  She was meant for us from the beginning of time.  And I will go to my grave declaring the glory of God in the miracle He has done in our family.  What's next?  Only God knows, but I trust Him more than I ever have.  My hope and prayer is that through this story many others will see Jesus and put their hope, faith, and trust in Him.