Mother, May I? Confronting the Fear

Mother, May I? Confronting the Fear

Posted by Candace

Well, Kate's approval letter has still not shown up and since this week the government offices are closed for the Chinese New Year, the soonest we can hope is Monday morning. I would have thought by now that I would be fully and completely impatient, but I can't help but be sure that God is using this time to prepare us for our daughter and prepare me for a trip to China.

Ever since I can remember, fear has had a place in my life. I know part of the reason is probably my sensitivity and my inner makeup, but a good bit of it is because I have allowed it to... I have run away from it to any comfort from anywhere that I could find and when I got comfortable, I told myself that the comfortable place was the only safe place. Lately God has brought me to a place where I have been forced to confront fear. I first had to confess it as sin... it is sin...whatever is not of faith is sin and the root of my fear is not trusting God. Not trusting that He is enough...that He can sustain me and empower me in every particular moment of my life.

When God started working the promise of adoption into our lives, I was thrilled, but also scared to death. The closer China got, the more sure I was that I would stay home and let David go to the other side of the world and get Kate. My heart was broken at the thought of missing the moments in my daughters homeland, but the fear had a strong grip and wouldn't let go despite my grief. I began to ask God to perform a miracle (okay, I didn't exactly ask with gusto...it was more of a timid, "I think You have told me to stay home, but if you haven't let me know.")...to allow me and to help me to have the courage to go to China. Little did I know that people who loved me, like my father-in-law and his wife, were praying the exact same prayer...led of the Holy Spirit to ask on my behalf. I tear up as I write this, because my Daddy in heaven is so gracious to me.

In answer to the prayers, God recently started me on a journey...no, pretty much forced me on a journey three months ago that has been a confrontation of one fear after another. He first reminded me that fear will not ever go away completely. It is the weapon the enemy uses to come against us and one of the only tools that he has once we are ransomed from his captivity by our Savior. But I have defenses and weapons that have overcome the world and every time I do not use them, fear wins the battle and becomes more powerful in my life. He has been working those weapons into my inner being...showing me how He empowers me for every task, each moment of my day...showing me that He loves me beyond comprehension and has my best interests at heart in every moment of life...showing me that true peace and joy ONLY come from intimacy and relationship with Him. He has been daily walking me down a path of victory over the fear that has kept me from freely serving Him.

I cannot say that I would have willingly chose what God is doing in me. It is at times perilous and risky and even dark and it goes against everything I have trained myself to protect. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a SAFE person. I don't take risks... I like things like 1+1=2...definite things, comfortable things... so taking these steps with God is like learning to walk for the first time. Our pastor preached recently on courage and He said that God wants us to have courage to take the next step... we will never be "Marine" Christians if we don't first take the first steps bootcamp. God doesn't save us and then say "Okay, now go out there and change the world. And for heaven sake's don't mess up, cause I'm counting on you." Alot of us think that is what He says, but instead He says "Okay, now watch this... Didn't that build your faith?...now this time you do it with Me. That was a great try, let's do it again. Now, that wasn't even a try. I know you can do better then that. I created you to do better. Let's try it again." Like a loving Father, He teaches us and shows us how to walk out the plan and purpose for our lives, not so that we can help Him get this crazy world under control, but because it is only in that place with Him...in His perfect Will... that we have fellowship with God, the fellowship from the Garden before sin entered the picture, the fellowship that He craves and that He created us to crave. He doesn't put the world on our shoulders, He wants to put us on His shoulders so that He can carry His message through us to the world. We don't ever go alone and if we do, our work will not stand...it will be burned up. I can't tell you how much work I have seen go up in flames lately as He shows me how to walk by faith and not by sight. So much of my life lived in my own power, thinking I could do enough to stand before God and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant." Now I realize finding my rest in Him is the key to hearing those precious words.

The other day our case manager called me because God had placed it me on her heart for 2 weeks and told her to discuss fear with me. The conversation was perfect timing. I had just told the Lord that day that I was ready for the LOA... I was ready to move forward in whatever He decided for me about China. Emily reminded me of the story of Gideon and how before his battle with the Philistines the many soldiers were preparing themselves. God told Gideon to tell anyone who was afraid to go home. Many of those soldiers left and went home...after all home is comfortable...home is predictable...home is safe. But the ones who didn't go home, they got to see God perform mighty miracles in that battle and they went forward changed and victorious. Just as Emily said that God spoke to her, I feel like He said the exact same thing to me, "You can stay home, but you will miss seeing a magnificent victory." I have stayed home all my life... I can't even imagine the things I have missed. I am ready to walk with God...step by step...

Lately I have felt as if my life with God is a game of "Mother, May I?" He says, "Candace, I want you to take one baby step forward." and I say, "Okay, God, I am trusting You to empower me with this step." and then I take it and He says, "Okay, Candace, now I want you to take one medium size step forward." and I say, "Are you sure this is what You want me to do, God? Because if You are not with me I am screwed and I really don't want to get stuck somewhere or lost or..." He always interrupts me "Candace, take the step. I am with you. I never leave you or forsake you. You are safe with Me ALWAYS." So I take it... and now guess what He says... "Candace, I want you to take one giant leap forward." I am still in the midst of forming my response to Him.

Will you pray for me? Will you pray that courage will rise up within me and I will have encouragement on all sides? I believe God is asking me to trust Him and go to China and I know that not all the steps will be overly difficult, but that first step, man, it feels like walking off a cliff...and I need courage.

Thank you for your prayers and for your support. When Kate comes home God's glory will be shown in so many ways and she will never be the only one who is adopted in this family. We are all orphans until He picks us up, cleans us off, and gives us freely everything that belongs to Him. But then, there is something wrong if we still act like or feel like an orphan. We aren't orphans any more...we are sons and daughters of God. We say "Father, may I?" and He responds, "Yes, you may!"

You Get an "A"! :)

You Get an "A"! :)

Posted by Candace

So I really don't have anything new to report, which is why I have put off writing. We are still waiting on the elusive LOA from China. Being involved in international affairs is starting to stink! :) I just keep reminding myself that we will go get Kate in God's perfect timing...not a moment sooner and not a moment later. It is difficult to watch the days pass and realize that every day, she gets a little older and spends another night without a Mommy and Daddy to tuck her into bed. I am so glad that it seems her orphanage takes great care of the children and the pictures I received from her birthday showed beautiful smiling women who looked to really love the children. I rest in the fact that she is in God's care.

Waiting is hard, but with each day that passes, I am sure beyond a doubt, that God is preparing us. He is working so strongly in our family right now. In David and I, as individuals, and in our unit as a whole. He is working so definitely that I have actually been afraid to pray that this letter would hurry. We need to fully be prepared to add this precious child to our family. I need to stop running from the uncomfortable and I need to confront issues in my life that have been easily hidden.

So as a recovering performance driven, approval addict. I would like to share an excerpt from a great book I read recently called "Jesus + Nothing = Everything". This would not be my usual choice since it was written by a Presbyterian :)... no offense to all the Presbyterians out there, but I don't consider myself a sold out "Calvinist" so I usually stick to "Armenian" reading material. :)But no doubt, God led me to this book and it has worked some healing in me. I want to share it with someone else... perhaps you...especially anyone trying miserably to measure up or be perfect in any area of life. This touched my heart greatly...

"To close this book, let me retell a story that my friend, Steve Brown, tells that illustrates well how God deals with us according to the finished work of Christ. He says that one time his daughter, Robin, found herself in a very difficult English literature course that she desperately wanted to get out of. She sat there on her first day and thought, 'If I don't transfer out of this class, I'm going to fail. The other people are much smarter than me. I can't do this.' She came home with tears in her eyes and begged her dad to help her get out of the class so she could take a regular English course. Steve said, 'Of course.' So the next Day he took her down to the school, and they went to the head of the English department, who was a Jewish woman and a great teacher. Steve remembers the event in these words...

"She (the head of the English department) looked up and saw me standing there by my daughter and could tell that Robin was about to cry. There were some students standing around and, because the teacher didn't want Robin to be embarrassed, she dismissed the students. As soon as the students left and the door was closed, Robin began to cry. I said ' I am here to get my daughter out of her English class. It's too difficult for her. The problem with my daughter is that she's too conscientious. So, can you put her into a regular English class?' The teacher said, 'Mr. Brown, I understand. Can I talk to Robin for a minute?' I said, 'Sure'. She said, 'Robin, I know how you feel. What if I promised to give you an 'A' no matter what you did in class? If I gave you an 'A' before you even started, would you be willing to take the class?' My daughter is not dumb! She started sniffling and said, 'Well, I think I could do that.' The teacher said, 'I'm going to give you an 'A' in the class. You already have an 'A', so now you can go to class.'"

"Later the teacher explained to Steve what she had done. She explained how she took away the threat of a bad grade so that Robin could learn the actual English literature. Robin ended up making straight 'A's on her own in that class."

"That's how God deals with us. Because of Christ's finished work, Christians already have an 'A'. The threat of failure, judgment, and condemnation has been removed. We're in-forever! Nothing we do will make our grade worse. In this life, by His death, and with His resurrection, Christ our substitute secured for us the everything, the 'A', that we come into this world longing for and yet are incapable of securing for ourselves. All the pardon, the approval, the purpose, the freedom, the rescue, the meaning, the righteousness, the cleansing, the significance, the worth, and the affection we crave and need are already ours in Christ. We don't need to add anything to it. The operative power that makes you a Christian is the same operative power that keeps you a Christian: the unconditional, unqualified, undeserved, unrestrained grace of God in the completed work of Christ."

"As I said, the banner under which Christians live reads, 'It is finished'. So relax, and rejoice. Jesus plus nothing equals everything; everything minus Jesus equals nothing. You're free!"


This short passage of this book, brought a new understanding to my life. Since I am naturally hard on myself and used to beat me to a pulp on a regular basis, I find myself saying "What am I getting so upset about? I already have an 'A'." Christ did a whole lot on that cross and we often cheapen it by trying to add our works to it. You might think that this way of viewing things might make Christians lazy or more apt to sin... I disagree... I would give my life for this kind of freedom... I will be grateful for it EVERY day because I know how it is to be in bondage to measuring up...to trying to be perfect...to keeping everyone happy. And the more a Christian realizes what Christ actually accomplished on that cross to free us from sin, the less there is ANY desire to even mess with thoughts of sin. Why would you, when you can have all this amazing fruit and freedom apart from it? When our day is lived moment by moment, in Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit, our life becomes...well, it become LIFE! To know that when we accept Him and He makes His home in us, we automatically get an 'A', frees us from judgement and condemnation and people pleasing and criticalness, etc. etc. We are free!

I am so excited to be on my way to freedom. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am sooo very thankful that He leads me on this journey every step of the way and that He has promised to complete the work.

I get an 'A'! Yay!

Season of Celebration!

Season of Celebration!

Posted by Candace

The holidays have arrived! Seems they come quicker every year, and this year I just don't feel prepared. I'm so tired of going through the motions...of trying to live up to the hype. Don't get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving... I love Christmas... I love all the things that come along with them. What I don't love is the distraction and expectation. I haven't felt that great lately...haven't really felt like bringing out the mistletoe or decking the halls or planning to attend 15 Christmas events. I haven't felt any particular holiday cheer or been in the mood to play carols or anything holly jolly like that, I don't know why. But because at this time of year there is an expectation for everyone to be "merry and bright", I have felt almost wrong in not at least putting on the face of "Christmas spirit". "What is wrong with you?" I ask myself continually and really have begun to worry. But today I remembered... all this stuff is just fluff. Sometimes we enjoy the fluff, but it isn't necessary for the celebration. The real joy is in the reason that we celebrate. Are we celebrating because we get to do all kinds of Christmasy things and feel warm fuzzies, or is it because a Savior was born 2000 years ago bringing grace to a world desperately needing it?

Let's say it's your birthday and every year on your birthday you throw the most fabulous party for anyone who wants to come. And let's say that, at first, only the people closest to you attend, and they give you gifts and sing you songs and make you feel like the most loved person on earth. As the years go on, people who don't even know you hear about your parties and they start coming cause there is free food and cake and lots of party spirit. They enjoy all you have to offer, but they could care less if you are there or not. After a couple of years of just attending, the people who don't know you begin to come up with new ways to make the party better and more fun. They start to add games and decorations and songs that even your closest friends enjoy. As the years pass, a good many people forget it is even your birthday. Some of the people grumble and complain that an event as great as this shouldn't even be about you. Even some of your closest friends are so distracted with all the activity and stuff, that besides a quick glance every now and then, they overlook you. It is rare that you even hear "Happy Birthday" any more, let alone "Thank you for such a wonderful party" or "Gosh, we love you so much".

I really think that God has allowed me to feel "normal" during this year's season, so that I can get back to what this is really all about. I think He is looking for some people who will breath through this time of celebration and enjoy Him most. People who will allow Him to bless them with little random gifts of love, instead of struggling to keep up with expectations. People who will rest...yes, I dare say "rest"...as they keep their focus on Him and celebrating who He is.

As I was driving along this morning, the thought that brought holiday joy to my heart was "Jesus, you're my favorite!" Christmas is a celebration of a Savior that came when we needed saving. A Savior that still offers His grace and His friendship to anyone willing to lay down all the other stuff and say "Yes" to Him. Nothing is wrong with the celebration! But the celebration, itself, is not what brings the true joy. We seek and seek that joy in all the hype and when it's all over, we feel let down. We go about the year thinking "Next year we will do it bigger and better" or even "Next year we will do it smaller and simpler". We have missed the entire point when we "do", instead of "be". Be a Christ follower this season. Rest, give, love, and celebrate with a heart focused on the enormity of what happened one night long ago. "Glory to God in the highest... and on earth, PEACE, goodwill toward men. A Savior has been born to you this day...Emmanuel, Christ the Lord."

Meet Katherine Hope Roberts...

Meet Katherine Hope Roberts...

Posted by Candace

Very long awaited and still waiting for her parents to come get her...but here she is in all her glory :). Kate will be 2 years old on Dec. 2nd. She is completely healthy and from what we can tell only has some small orthopedic issues. She is waiting for us in an orphanage in Guangdong, China. We are PREAPPROVED TO ADOPT HER.

I can't tell you how excited we are and were to meet her! We got the call on November 7th, but we had to wait to share her with you all until we had preapproval from China. She is absolutely perfect in our eyes and we can't wait to bring her home. We now have to wait for our Letter of Acceptance which could take anywhere from 2-3 months, then we will have to be issued a date with the US embassy in China and also travel approval, so it will be at least March before we are able to go get her. Lots more difficult waiting, but at least now we know exactly what we are waiting for!

I know you all will be so thrilled along with us. Many people have already told us that we are doing wonderful thing by rescuing this little girl from a abandonment. Kate will, without a doubt, be unfathomably treasured by our family and hopefully one day by our society, but she will also deal with a great amount of grief in the process. This little girl was left on the steps of a government building as an infant by her parents because, for whatever reason, they could not keep her. We will probably never meet these people or be able to thank them for such an amazing gift and neither will she. She will never know the woman who carried her for 9 months and chose to give her life. She will wonder, even though we will teach her of God's plan from the beginning for her to be our daughter, what her parents look like, sound like, and why they left her. How could a little girl not? Even though she has been raised in an orphanage and we all know how much better off she will be here, she will not come to this brand new place thanking us for saving her... she will grieve! We are tearing her away from her caregivers, from the only home she has ever known, from her country and culture and language... and yes, we do it for her own good, but she will not realize that for many years. She may also continually question her permanancy in our home. My heart breaks for her even now, because our love alone will not fill the void in her little heart. It will take time and a great big God to help us all adjust. And we are so incredibly thankful that we will have both when Kate finally comes home forever.

God's perfect plan is for children to be raised, loved, and cherished by their birth parents. When that doesn't happen in this imperfect world, He has made a way. He's really good at making a way. Adoption is a perfect picture of our relationship with our God. Picking us up, just because... cleaning us up, caring for us, and giving us a forever home. He protects us and loves us, in spite of our inability to be grateful enough or to earn it. We are blown away by this opportunity to follow in His footsteps.

Please continue to pray for us and for our sweet Katherine Hope gift! How GREAT is our GOD!!

God sees.

God sees.

Posted by Candace

So I thought my next post would be one introducing Katherine Hope to you, but a few delays later I am writing just because the knots must come out some way. The matching list that was supposed to come out on the 20th was delayed until Nov. 1st. which was last night in China. Alas, it still has not come out, we have not been matched yet, and so goes what I am told is normal in the adoption process. There are no guarantees. There are no adoption C-sections. The entire process must have its way and there isn't anything we can do to change that.

Needless to say, I have spent the last 3 days vascillating between excitement and anxiety. David, too, has felt the pressure of waiting. At random moments we find ourselves looking at each other and asking "Are you ready?" As if that will hurry things up. Waiting is hard! If you have ever experienced waiting for a child to come into your world, the difficulty of patience is tripled. In both my pregnancies the last week before labor was the most difficult. Not knowing when the contractions would begin, but knowing it could be any moment... I feel that exact way right now. That feeling of just enough weariness to make you want to cry, but just enough hope to keep the tears from coming.

I had to call our case worker this morning, so I could at least move on with the day and think of something else. Emily is so gracious to us and understands every bit of this having gone through it twice herself. She says that she doesn't know what is going on with the list... she is going to call some people a little bit later in the day and find out. My temptation is to doubt, to worry, to be discouraged, but I kinda got an email from God this morning. Strange thing to say, I know, but let me explain. David and I waited up last night for news and disappointment sank in when we went to bed without any. We checked our phones a couple of times during the night and still nothing. I have an app on my phone that gives me a random daily Bible verse. It changes to a new one at midnight and alerts me. I didn't look at it last night because I was so focused on whether I had gotten a phone call or an email, but this morning when I looked at it, the verse jumped out at me. "For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba, Father!'" Romans 8:15. What??? There are only a few verses in the entire Bible that have the word "adoption" in them. Speechless!

God sees... He sees us here waiting breathlessly for our daughter. He sees my dear friend who just found out she has a mass in her breast as she waits for news about her health. He sees my loved one who has been devastated by her spouse as she waits to see what will play out in her marriage. He sees my husband who is wading through company changes as he waits for others to make decisions that he has no control over. And He sees you...wherever you are, whatever you are waiting for, God sees you. And He waits too... He waits for you to care, He waits for you to believe, He waits for you to follow... He is waiting every day for sons and daughters. I have no words to describe a God such as this. A God who would message me this morning just to say "I see you."

So we may meet our daughter today... or we may meet her next month. Waiting is still hard, but He is here... He's right here beside us...and because I know and believe that, I can face the moments, the hours, the days of waiting.

For Better or For Worse...

For Better or For Worse...

Posted by Candace

Talked to our case worker this morning and the referral list that was supposed to come out this week, actually may be coming out next week. Evidently the agency in China that handles the list had a week off last week so that may have delayed it a little. So, you guessed it...more waiting.


Tremendously heavy hearted for marriages lately. In fact, so burdened that this has got to come out of me even though it is always a risky subject. I know of so many marriages that are struggling right now, so many people tempted to walk away, others walking. The enemy would like nothing more then to divide husbands and wives. He is fighting with all he has right now against the very institution that God uses to create life.

I would like to start out by saying that sometimes a relationship cannot be saved. The Bible gives a exception for divorce in Matthew 19:4-9 when Jesus says that Moses permitted the Isrealites to divorce and remarry in cases of adultery. Our God knows that the issue of trust is HUGE in a relationship. There are also many instances in our culture where physical and mental abuse are taking place and the best thing for all parties is a seperation or divorce. The Bible doesn't directly speak to this, but the tone of the Bible is nontolerance of abuse of this kind...especially in the case of children. We are the protectors of our children and sometimes we must remove them from situations. So I just wanted to importantly note those exceptions before I make my case for marriage :).

That being said, I would like to point out something specific that Jesus also says in this passage (Matthew 19: 4-9), because we like to skip over it. We like to skip over it, because it makes us very uncomfortable and quite frankly, it convicts.
"'Haven't you read', he replied, 'that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female,' and He also said: 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?' 'Why then,' they asked Him, 'did Moses command us to give divorce papers and to send her away?' He answered them 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not like that from the beginning. And I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.'"
Yes, Jesus just said that if someone gets divorced, except in cases of adultery, and marries another, they are actually committing the sin of adultery. Why would He say such a thing? If you look at the two intro verses, you will see why. The weight He gives marriage is incredible. Two people become one person. This isn't just a physical reference. It is a spiritual one. Our hearts join and to seperate them leaves each person with half a heart. We like to call it "baggage" in society today. He goes a step further in Mark 10:11
"'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. Also, if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."

What if every Christian really believed the Bible and lived by it? What if when we were choosing our life partner we felt the gravity of "Til death do us part"? What if we didn't give ourselves an "out"? What if we never thought "I could do so much better than this" without our next thought being "but I would be sinning just as much as if I were cheating on my spouse right now"? If remarrying while a faithful ex-spouse is still living is adultery (Jesus said it, not me), then getting divorced means being alone for the rest of your life, or sinning against God. If the choice were to be married to your spouse or to be alone, wouldn't that put a whole different perspective on things than what we all think the choice is today...to be married or to be "single and looking"? I think that is exactly what Jesus was trying to do. Note to remarried people: I am definitely not trying to bring condemnation here. Adultery (which comes in all kinds of forms) is an exception to all of this and ultimately this is between you and God. I am very sensitive to this Scripture as David and I both have remarried parents who we love very much. I am simply making a point about how strongly God feels about the institute of marriage and how much our culture has watered it down. If you are remarried, this applies to your current marriage, just as much as the first one.

When David and I got married, we agreed that divorce was NOT an option. We were either going to be really miserable together or we were going to work on our marriage and make it the best that we could. We felt strongly about this as we both believe in the blessings of faithfulness to God and we both had seen firsthand the havoc divorce can wreak. Honestly, for the first 8 years, I was mostly miserable. David and I are complete opposites. I am not making that up... we have the personality tests to prove it. Not only did we have that working against us, but we both come from broken homes. To make matters worse, I have always been a little bit...okay, a lot oversensitive, and David has, ummm....let's just say.... lacked communication skills when it comes to sensitivity. So I was one huge ball of hurt feelings for many years. There are two times that I can think of that things got so bad that the "D" word crossed my mind. Both times, I spent hours wrestling with God about the unfairness of what He had chosen for me. Both times, I wanted out so bad I could taste it. Both times, I tried to rationalize it as being the best thing for everybody. Both times, freedom seemed to be escape. And both times, God reached down in His faithfulness, clarified that true freedom is found in obedience, and gave me the strength to move forward in my marriage. He knows your heart. He will put up the roadblocks when He knows you need them. You might roll right over those roadblocks, but they are there...his loving Hand saying "Wait it out. Keep praying. Don't give up on your spouse. Hope!" Personally I have seen God not only transform David through the toughest times in my marriage, but transform me the most. It wasn't overnight, but He always gave the strength and hope to continue the journey. We still fight it out sometimes, but we have grown leaps and bounds, and our marriage is strong today. David is my absolute best friend and I will fight for this precious relationship.

You may not want that strength and hope. You may be purposely not praying because you are afraid that God might speak and tell you to stay and work and fight for your marriage. Ultimately you may believe a good bit more in your happiness than your holiness... but friend, happiness is fleeting and temporary...holiness is eternal. Your God loves you enough to want what is best for you, not what is easiest. His grace is enough, for His strength is made perfect in weakness.

My biggest hope for my marriage is the stability it brings to a family. As a product of divorce, I can speak to its long term effects on a child, as I'm sure could a good many of you. God's grace is always present in the aftermath, but the pain can be overwhelming at times. I still, to this day, wish my parents would have stayed together. I don't know that I will ever stop wondering what life would be like if they had. Maybe it would be really bad, but not if they both had agreed to work on it. I know many people who have gotten past the high school graduation of their kids and felt that they have "made it" to the end of their marriage and now their kids will be "okay" with parents that live in two different locations. I graduated about a year after my parents divorced, but I still have a longing to have had a childhood and adulthood filled with my parents together. I still long to have stalwart examples for David and myself. Yes, I have moved on...but I still have a void that comes out at 50th wedding anniversaries or commercials about happy families or fights with David that I know are outworkings of divorce damage.

So if you are struggling with this at all, I ask you to bring the matter before the throne. Struggle with God about it. You don't have to agree with Him, but I ask you to at least have the fight with Him. He can put it into perspective. He can give courses of action. He can help you courageously pray and wait. And I can tell you that in the end, there is NOTHING more fulfilling than knowing that you did the right thing and God was pleased with it and honored it. Don't rush to make yourself happy...Wait, and let God make you holy.

PS. Our pastor begins a new series about marriage at The Orchard (off of Hwy 81) on Sunday, October 30th. You should come :).

Reputation vs. Character

Reputation vs. Character

Posted by Candace

I need to write. I have a blog. Just for those of you wondering why this post will not contain any new adoption news. I have none. We are waiting. And just when we think we are done waiting...more waiting :).

No, I need to write about something else. To get my thoughts out on paper and watch them become cohesive...maybe. I need to write about reputation, and something bigger and more encompassing than reputation...character.

I came across a post on Facebook the other day that characterized the two as follows. "Character is who a person really is, Reputation is just what others think he is." As I began to think on this, I realized that most of us value our reputation over our character...at least I have, up until now. It took me a little bit to admit it. I wanted to think that developing my character meant more to me then working on my reputation, until someone brought up something that happened last year that I was less than proud of. Truth be told, this incident had worked together for good to develop my character, but when it was mentioned by someone who I had no idea even knew about it, I felt concerned for my reputation. I wanted to clear myself, set the record straight, make sure the person knew that I was just as great as they had thought that I was...but deep down I knew that I had simply needed a lesson in character and God had given it to me. I felt God's loving voice say, "Candace, would you have saved your reputation at the expense of your character?" And this is the real me, "Why yes, God, I would have. I would have spared myself any embarrassment at all costs." Thank God that He doesn't spare us embarrassment at times! Thank God that He doesn't let us stew in our issues unaware! Thank God that He cares much more about character than our reputation.

This was my first clue that my reputation has become an idol in my life...that my people pleasing behavior is sin...that I fear man more than I fear God. Not that reputation is a bad thing. We should maintain a good reputation with most people, but that reputation should be an outworking of true character... not protected at all costs so that we can get warm fuzzies about what society thinks and says about us. I was reminded again today as it became necessary for someone to address certain failings of mine. I found throughout the conversation that my main concern was not to correct the failings, but instead to make sure that I came out looking perfect. Because God had already pointed to this reputation issue in my life, I was able to handle this situation with a much better perspective than usual. But it still cut deep that someone might think something about me that was probably completely true, but I didn't want them to think. And as I was stewing about it afterwards and wondering why in world this stuff gets to me so much, I was asked... "Are you more concerned with your reputation or your character?" And because God knows the answer, He followed up with.. "Are you willing to hurt to change it?"

When I stand before the throne one day, it will not matter one bit what anyone thought I was. I won't be able to call witnesses to the stand or obtain reference letters. It wouldn't matter anyway, because the Lord looks directly into our hearts. Every day that we live, He sees the thoughts and the intents that we harbor, whether knowingly or unknowingly. He puts opportunities in front of us to change that sometimes feel like a curse, because He knows our potential. He knows what He created us to be. He knows how much better our life is when He is our Master. We can create a pretty good reputation... whenever, with whoever...if we try hard enough, but He alone can develop character. No, my reputation will not stand before the judgment seat, my character will.

Jesus never taught a "fake it til you make it" mentality. His disciples came to Him rough around the edges, real, full of themselves, concerned about getting their fair share... but after their time with Him, through many rough patches that developed their character, they became devoted witnesses who gave even their lives for His kingdom. When we read the New Testament, we see how little Jesus' reputation meant to Him and after a while how His disciples followed suit.

I think this will be one of the most challenging journeys that I begin in my walk with Christ. I could share ten reasons why, but I'd like to end this post with anyone reading it still awake. Suffice it to say that since I was a very small girl I have built my world around what everyone else thinks I am. Hard thing to admit, but true nonetheless. I have held my identity out to anyone and everyone, hoping that they would tell me who I am. Some people unknowingly launched me skyward, some people naively crushed me under their feet, others simply carried me, but none of them knew me like the One who created me. He is the One who tells me who I am. He is the One worth believing. His Words are the ones truly safe to build my world around. The other safe, comfortable, but equally false world of relying on reputation has to come down, and though I am frightened to see what happens when it does, come down it will. The words that will soon grace Kate's wall bring hope... "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."