Enjoy Every Moment: A Parenting Myth

Enjoy Every Moment: A Parenting Myth

Posted by Candace

There is no shortage of blogs on parenting and I don’t expect this to be one of the more enlightening ones that you have ever read, but I just can’t help bringing this up because it is something that I am and have been struggling with since my first child was born.

Many times when I am having a rough day… looking a mess, feeling a mess and just generally living a messy life…some well-meaning stranger has attempted to encourage me with “Enjoy every moment!” or some similar chastisement.  Now I know that this is meant to pick me up off of the floor where I am bending down to clean up the 15^th spill of the day, but can I just be completely honest for a second?  Just being honest… This doesn’t encourage me…rather it makes me feel pressured and it makes me feel guilty.  It makes me feel guilty because I have TRIED to enjoy every moment.  I have spent my parenting life thinking up ways that I could make myself enjoy every moment.  I have felt the pressure of all of the saints who have gone before me in raising children.  Especially the ones that can only remember how those were “the best days of my life” and “I wish my son/daughter was back at that age because they were so cute/sweet/perfect etc…etc…etc”. 

And I get it…

I get it that I will miss the different stages in my kid’s lives.  I already do.  Sometimes I look up at my teenage son (because yes, we have hit that stage where he is taller than me) and miss with all my being his cute little baby fingers and toes.  But I am convinced that we have selective memory when it comes to the past.  The Israelites, while they were wandering in the wilderness remembered Egypt (remember the place where they were making bricks by hand) as a land flowing with milk and honey (remember the land where they were actually going that God had promised them).  We often remember things as being much different than they actually were in the moment.  When asked about my favorite ever vacation, I would tell you about the time David and I went to Colorado.  We fought the entire trip.  So bad, in fact, that I distinctly remember not talking to him for almost a whole day while we were there.  But we both more readily remember the beautiful scenery, the fact that we were without children, and the spa treatments that we splurged on.  So when people say that they miss the years when their children were young and they wish they could go back, I think they conveniently forget the diaper changes and the long nights and the temper tantrums and the mountains of homework and the never ending messes, etc. etc.  They only remember the hugs and the kisses and the cute little phrases and the fun, family times together.  They simply do not remember all the moments that they did not enjoy.  This contributes to their impossible encouragement that every mother should enjoy every moment of parenting.

So let’s just get it straight and then we all can breathe a sigh of relief.  The definition of enjoy is to take pleasure in something or to benefit from circumstances. It is IMPOSSIBLE for you to enjoy every moment of your life or even every moment of parenting.  It is a myth and it is something that distracts us when we strive for it.  If you think about it, it is really a selfish expectation that every moment should be pleasurable for us and it leads to all kinds of wrong decision making.  Even Jesus, Himself had moments, as a man, that He certainly did not enjoy.  His whole mission in life was to get nailed to a cross as the worst sinner who ever lived (He, Himself, BORE the sins of the world...God looked at Him as if He had committed the acts Himself and therefore had to turn His back).  This is not exactly a life that would scream “Enjoy every moment, Jesus!”

I’m just gonna come out and say it… Some moments in life REALLY, REALLY STINK…others are REALLY, REALLY HARD!  And though we can have a soul joy and peace that Jesus has overcome those moments and will bring us through these moments, it doesn’t make the moment feel more enjoyable.  When I am in the throes of dealing with temper tantrums or a child that is lying or a child that won’t obey or laundry that never goes away or a husband who thinks because I stay at home I am spending the family finances away on bon bons (he doesn’t, by the way…at least not since the number of children has been upped to 5), it is ridiculous for me to also have to beat myself over the head because I am not enjoying these things.  Furthermore, if I thought the purpose of my life was to enjoy every moment (or even MOST moments for that matter), I am fairly convinced that I would not have the life that I have today.  No, I would not trade my life for anyone else’s, but that is specifically because the moments that I have NOT enjoyed the most have pulled me closest to the One who gives beauty for ashes.  True joy is found when we give up the expectation that we should enjoy our lives all the time. *BIG GASP* Did she just say we shouldn’t enjoy our lives?  Read it again… We should not EXPECT to enjoy our lives ALL THE TIME and taking this point a bit further, we can get ourselves into MUCH trouble if we are constantly pursuing enjoyment.  We should absolutely enjoy to the fullest any moment of happiness, pleasure, escape, or comfort that our Father blesses us with, but we should not be spending our lives seeking more of these things.  If we do, we miss some absolutely HARD things that lead us right into the purpose God has for our lives.

Trying to enjoy every moment has ruined quite a few moments for me.  Because I always have an expectation that “I should be enjoying this more”, I have often not enjoyed anything.  Even celebrations can be ruined because of this expectation.  Until we learn to accept from God’s Hand what He gives, whether it is enjoyable or whether it is the most difficult thing we have ever done, knowing that in the end He knows what direction and purpose our lives should take, we will never experience true joy.  “Rejoice in the Lord always” is not a command to feel happy all the time.  It is rather an encouragement that because He has conquered the world, no moment in life will ever conquer us.

So I say… quit thinking about enjoyment and instead focus on commitment and obedience to Jesus.  The world would be a much better place if we would instead say to Moms and Dads who are struggling… “Stay the course, Momma or Daddy.  Stay committed to your work.  Be not weary in doing good…for in due season, you are gonna reap if you don’t give up!”  And when the moments are full of drudgery and suffering and telling that child “no” for the 57^th time of the day, we give others permission to experience frustration…to, for a moment, wish that they lived the life of perfect enjoyment of every moment that exists ONLY in our heads…and then we helped pick them up from ridding the floor of stickiness and encourage them to give thanks in everything and to keep moving forward.

Because I am here to encourage you, Momma, that you are not the only one unable to enjoy the poop explosion all over the bed.  Feel free to vent your feelings to someone who will understand and who will realize that enjoying every cotton picking stinking moment is not the point.  Rather be encouraged that if you are not giving up, you are winning the battle and someday soon, you will see the reward for your labor.  Find grace in the moments you don’t enjoy…because I can promise you it is there.

And if you are reading this and you enjoy every moment of your life, feel free to enlighten this girl.

PS. This is not a condemnation on anyone who has ever responded to a parent's complaint with "Enjoy every moment!"  Rather it is an enlightenment on how that simple phrase may not be the best advice for a struggling parent :). 

The Power of the Cross

The Power of the Cross

Posted by Candace

It seemed much too trite to throw these pictures into a photo album on Facebook.  I think it's because I have spent many of the moments I have felt closest to God at the ocean.  There is just something holy about the beach (and I am not talking about most of the bathing suits people wear).  I think it speaks to me so loudly because as I walk across the grains of sand, I remember that His thoughts toward me are just as many...and when I gaze out across the water, I remember that His love for me is deeper and wider and higher... and when I wade out into the waves, I remember that He has cast all my sins into its depths.  The ocean is special and it is a gift.

So my opportunity to introduce my beloved daughter to this place was a very special one.  A girl who had never seen such a sight as this.  She was excited from the moment we explained where she was going.  Viviene, my Mandarin friend, was over working with Jessica on her English and I asked her to explain to Jessica where we were going.  She ran around the house jumping for joy and hugging Nathan exclaiming, "We go to the beach!"  She was very happy... not so happy on the 7 hour car ride to get there, but happy before and after said car ride.

We stayed the weekend at my dad's place and he and his wife were very gracious to allow all 7 of us to invade their 2 bedroom home.  We arrived on Friday night and slept in on Saturday while they were at a previously planned engagement, but when they arrived home, it was time to go.

This was the scene when we arrived...

She waded carefully into the water and then before we had barely a chance to take a picture, she embraced it...

She embraced it like she has being a big sister...

She embraced it like she has being part of a family...

She embraced it like she has being an American...

She sat down and covered herself in it as if she never wanted to leave...

This girl, once poor...

Now crowned...

That, my friends, is the power of the cross.

Something About that Name

Something About that Name

Posted by Candace

I rarely am able to process all of the things that course through me these days as I watch my oldest daughter learn about her Savior.  I would say that of all the things adoption has given me, watching this girl start to understand truth...watching it transform her life...this is definitely the best.

In China, children are taught from a young age to rely on themselves.  They are their own god and the only one that they really need to look out for.  The philosophy that Confucious left behind...that as long as a person is a good citizen and contributor to the state then all should be well inside of them... is alive and well.  Chinese Christians that I have talked to have said that they were taught that needing God was a weakness.  "What? You need a god?  You can't do it yourself?"  This is the kind of worldview that is inherited by the young people of China.  "You are not a sinner.  You are a good contributor."  Calling them a sinner is likely as insulting to them as spitting on them.

Tonight I asked Jessica, "Had you ever heard of Jesus before Katie told you about Him?"  She said, "no."  In almost 14 years, she had never even heard the NAME. As a matter of fact, when Katie started telling her the Gospel story she thought she was a little loose in the head.  This blows my mind.  Tonight Jessica told me of stories that Tim Hedden with Bring Me Hope camp told to illustrate the point of God's love.  The story about the Ugly Duckling and about the dollar bill that had been crumpled and dirty and stepped on...the intrinsic value that we have to God.  Tears came to my eyes as I realized what these stories meant to a girl who had been crumpled up, dirty, and stepped on.  Yes, my dear sweet one...because of Jesus you have just as much value as every other human being on this planet.  Nothing could make you more valuable or less valuable to Him.

Jessica is amazingly smart...and she is processing all of this.  What I love the most is that she is not just accepting Jesus because she is a part of our family... she is asking questions, she is reading, she is listening, she is being honest about where she is at and what she is thinking.  And in between there is this language barrier.  I want to tell her so much...explain so much... listen to her questions and answer them and I feel like I fall so short.  When we are discussing spiritual matters, I pray desperately that I don't screw her up in the translation of my hand motions.  I was never great at charades.  But the Lord has been gracious to send even more help.  Our sweet friend, Viviene is starting a Chinese Bible Study in her home on Friday nights with some other Chinese people in the area and Jessica attended it tonight. It will, at the least, give her some more understanding of the Scriptures and a place to ask questions in her own language and understand the answers.

The Name of Jesus is changing my girl.  And tonight I told her and I believe this with all my heart, "Jessica, Jesus picked you out of China and brought you here so that you could know Him."  "Why?" she asks.  Why does Jesus do anything that He does?  That's why He's God, right?  All I know is that you would be hard pressed to find a story like ours anywhere else.  There is something special about this girl... and something incredible about that Name.

We get used to it...hearing His Name.  In the South, we can even use it in a sentence with coffee.  But there are places, ya'll...whole countries full of people who have never heard it.  Millions and millions who are separated from Christ, excluded from His covenant, without hope, and without God in the world.  Bringing hope to hopelessness is our JOB as believers.  We are God's ambassadors.  WE are.  WE ARE. The harvest is GREAT, the laborers are few. Where are WE?  Somebody is reading this who needs to say "YES." to the Lord.  He is calling. You know that He is calling.  You have been thinking of every excuse in the book as to why it is probably just your imagination or why you would totally and epic-ly fail Him in what He is calling you to, but you know deep down that He is calling.  There are thousands upon thousands of Jessicas out there.  What could you spend your life on that is any greater than bringing them hope?  The only true safety in this world comes from being totally obedient to Christ.  Jesus is calling... He is asking you "Will you go for Me?"  On behalf of my daughter and the uncountable number like her, I beg you..."Please say 'Yes!'"

What's Love Got to Do with It?

What's Love Got to Do with It?

Posted by Candace

Greetings from over here in the refining fire!  I know it's cold outside, but it pretty hot in this furnace that I have been dropped into lately.  I used to think that I was a pretty even tempered sort of a person.  I mean, I've had my moments, but I never thought that controlling my temper was a really big deal for me.  Sure there were those days that I used to throw remotes at my sister's heads and that time that I slapped that girl my mom babysat in the face, but hey, those days are long gone and I have grown up...matured even.

Evidently not so much... Just double the whiny fits, the laundry, the amount of food to be prepared and halve the amount of people to carry the workload and Presto! it is the recipe for some really angry Candace.  Put me in the garlic press and I have found that growling, yelling, and clenched fists tend to come oozing out.  And you know what, I HATE this about myself.

You see, it's okay to have weaknesses as long as they never surface.  I don't mind that I had a temper... I just don't want it in my face where I know that I have a temper.  I don't want to have the awful feeling I get when I know that I have blown my top AGAIN for the 3rd time today.  I don't want to have to go to the throne for grace AGAIN.  I mean, get it together, Candace, you just asked God to help you 5 minutes ago... there are other people on this planet with much bigger issues.

And in the very midst of this struggle, suddenly God makes it clear what this is really about.  It's about grace and it's about love.  Two words that are thrown around in our culture today with barely a thought to the infinite depth of meaning that they hold.

The other night, David and I fought.  It was an ugly fight on both of our ends.  It left me hurt and angry...the kind of angry that streams tears down your face in the dark while you struggle not to make the slightest sniff so your husband won't have the satisfaction of knowing he made you cry.  As I laid there struggling to breathe (my nose was totally stuffed up and breathing quietly out of your mouth while you try not to make a sound is quite a feat), I prayed.  As I prayed, I just wanted to be angry.  I wanted to hate him.  I wanted to nurse my wounds.  I told God all of the reasons why this was all about me and why David was selfish and mean and would never change.  I tried to rage in my head as only a helpless victim can do.  It's not fair.  It's not meant to be this way.  This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.  You know what God kept saying to me.  "Are you loving him?"  But God... "Candace, are you loving him?"  But he... "I didn't ask about him. I asked you, 'Are you loving him?'"  God, this is a really inopportune time for me to answer that question.  I mean, why don't you ever ask him if he's loving me!  "Candace...Daughter of mine...Child of the King...Representative of my Kingdom, are you loving him?"  No, Lord.  I'm not.  I'm not loving him all day while I stew over his ridiculous work schedule.  I'm not loving him as I make snarky comments to make him feel guilty for things that bother me.  I'm not loving him while I sit here and try my best to hate him.  No, Lord, I'm really sorry. I'm not loving him.  Help me to love him.

So I reached over and I was rebuffed and the fight began again...and the crying all over again... and the "See, Lord.  He's impossible.  How can I love him when he won't let me?"  And then I remembered.  I remembered the week before when I had been mean...flat out MEAN to my children and before I even started to feel guilty, the Lord poured grace from heaven and mended my destruction.  I remembered crying out in the car that I was not cut out for this and what in the world was He thinking calling me to be Mom to 5 kids and He sat with me and listened and whispered that I was doing a really good job.  A good job!!  I'm a mess and my Lord was telling me of His love for me and His pleasure in my obedience.  I remembered when Naomi was crying and crying and crying and I couldn't drum up even the slightest feeling of motherhood toward her and I turned to my God in guilt "Why did you give her to ME?  Lord, the poor child, why didn't you give her to one of these 50 other women who scoop her up and gush about how precious she is?"  And the Holy Spirit said to me "She needs YOU. This is a specific assignment.  I didn't mess up.  I promise."  Oh Jesus, that you could love me so after ALL that I have done.  After who I am inside... After how I've treated the people I love the most.

In a moment I realized that true love... GOD'S love does not lessen in moments of weakness.  It does not rage at mistakes.  It does not abandon in times of hurt and pain.  Heard a quote the other day "God's grace doesn't make everything beautiful.  God's grace looks ugly in the eye and says 'I love you any way.'"  But I also realized that I had been holding this kind of love at arms length.  I had never accepted God's love for me.  I had never let it past the front door.  I would pay my way.  I would make myself pay.  Because if I accepted that kind of love, I knew that I would have to love like that.  And I was not ready to give up being the victim.  I was not ready to give up my "one up manship".  I was not ready to love while the wounds are fresh and the tears are still falling.  I was not ready to love the ugliness staring me in the face.

I realized this all in a moment the other night.  One of those furious "light bulb" moments where things just come together in your mind in such a rush that you could not even label them thoughts...And as I laid there crying out to God for the second time that night, I realized that I could either accept this love or I could continue to live like I was living with less than pleasant results.  So when David reached over in the middle of the night with an apology that could have only come from God, instead of the silent treatment he would have usually received, I scooted in to him and said a few of my own.  As you have freely received, freely give.

It's a hard life lesson, but if we are to be more like Jesus, we must love how Jesus loved.  Messing up a thousand times, yes, but getting back up and trying again.  Forgiving before the apology has been given.  Responding in love when nothing but ugliness is coming from the other person.  Reaching out even when the hurt and pain seem too much to bear.  This is how Jesus loves us.  This is how people will know that we really are who we say we are.  After all, this kind of love is supernatural.  Only those who have been with Jesus can love this way.  It is beyond our reach unless we first receive it.

So I don't know.  You may have tuned this all out 3 paragraphs up when I admitted my completely imperfect motherly behavior.  You may have lost all visions of me in my snow white clothing kissing away the tears of orphan children as I sing hymns of thanks for all He's done for me.  But if I am going to share my life with you...the story that the Lord is weaving over here...it is going to be real.  There are no cupcakes and roses in my house right now.  I had to physically leave the room when I burnt my hand and spilled macaroni and cheese all over the floor earlier.  I cringed this morning at Naomi's screams over the sippy cup that I grabbed from her only because I was trying to help her actually get liquid out of it.  I yelled about something, caught myself and lowered my voice into an apology.  All I've got is "thank goodness He uses the weak and foolish things of this world", because truly sometimes I think He should trade me for a praising rock. I'm not perfect...not even close...even after amazing and life changing revelations.

But somehow, today, I am a little more free...a little more at peace.  I am learning to accept God's love and His grace and also how to freely offer it to others.  It hasn't all magically happened overnight, but I am assured that He who starts a good work will be faithful to complete it.  He is giving me strength in the inner man...the kind that sees reactions before they happen and is able to stop a downward spiral before it starts.  It comes with the responsibility of staying really close to Him...like morning, noon, and night, but you know what?  When Someone love you as much as He loves me, that is only a pleasure.  Where else would you want to be, but with the One who love you most?  That kind of security gives you the freedom to say to everyone else around you "I love you any way."

When the Thrill is Gone.

When the Thrill is Gone.

Posted by Candace

I used to love Christmas.  I mean, LOVE Christmas.  Throughout the year, I looked forward to two things... Christmas and a beach vacation.  If I counted the number of thoughts I had toward those two things, it would probably number in the thousands...maybe even millions. 

When the Christmas season would arrive, I would throw myself into it...shopping, decorating, baking, events (the more Christmas parties, the better)... all of this would become my December world and I loved it.  Until December 26th, that is...the day after Christmas was one of the most depressing days of the year...presents opened, mess made, food stale, decorations no longer valid.  Somehow the hype, the expectations, the planning that led up to one day, left a hole bigger than a whole new year could fill.  Next Christmas...next Christmas will be perfect.

Something changed, however.  The "something" had to do with this little baby that I claimed to celebrate while making my wishlist and imagining my perfect Christmas gatherings.  Never before had a baby been born for a greater purpose... and that purpose was not to get comfortable and be happy.  He came to die for a lost and dying world.  He came to turn us upside down and shake out all of our pride and obstinacy and plans for the future.  He came to make everything else grow strangely dim.

Almost 3 years ago, right after Christmas, David and I took first steps to follow Jesus into a world that we had only read about.  We began the great adventure of adoption.  We were sitting around living the American dream, right up to the 2.5 kids (Nathan has always been a kid and a half :), but we had hit a wall with the Lord.  It was like we couldn't come any closer.  Finally we said "yes, Lord! Turn our lives upside down.  Take our family and use it for your glory.  We are tired of "life as usual".  We want to be ALL that you created us to be."  And we brought home Kate...and then we brought home Jessica and Naomi... and somewhere in the midst of a changing life and a transitioning family, Christmas was put in its place.

This year, Christmas looked a lot different.  Yes, there were still expectations and decorations and celebrations, but it was in perspective.  Redemption changes things and once you have watched with your own eyes while He redeems...how He redeems...His intimate involvement in redemption...holiday traditions almost become a distraction.  I mean, as hard as I try, I have less time with the Lord while I am supposedly celebrating Him, than I do all year.  Our relationship actually suffers while I am trying to remember all the people I need to give a gift to, while I am trying to put up all the decorations that I pull out of my attic, while I am filling the calendar with events to attend.

This year, my favorite part about Christmas was that it was low key.  Being so shortly home from China, we had an excuse.  We attended very few holiday events. We stayed home.  We were able to have bilingual Chinese guests who we quickly fell in love with.  We enjoyed our decorations and fires in the fireplace and some Hallmark movies.  We enjoyed fellowship with neighbors and watching as our new daughters opened presents and played with new toys. Even so, I have discovered that the joy of this season does not come from a perfect Christmas tree or kisses under the mistletoe, or lights all aglow.  It comes from a Savior who was just getting started on the day He was born.  The best was yet to come, but the best was a hard road to the cross so that I could one day take up my own.  Carrying your cross means you see the world through a different lens...and sometimes that lens means you enjoy certain things less than you did before you put on "God glasses".

The day after Christmas, I sit here knowing that I will never be the same.  Christmas will never hold the same temporary thrill that it once did.  That thrill is gone and the traditions seem rather like going through the motions.  I want my children to live for more than just some temporary highs on Christmas day.  I want them to live for the God who changes lives.  I don't want them to spend the day after Christmas wishing that they didn't have to wait a whole year for it to come again.  I want them to spend it anticipating the adventure that God has for them in the coming year.  I hope with every Christmas that passes, they will almost look forward to December 26th when once again there is peace on earth :).

So yes, I will forever cherish the moments that we were blessed with this Christmas, but I will also rejoice that when everything is over and the last decoration is put away, it only means that it is time to get back to it.  There are people to see come to Christ and things to do for our calling. 

If you are hearing "Bah Humbug" from me, please listen closely.  Peace on earth.  Goodwill to men!  Christmas has come and gone again, but the Savior is calling.  Hear Him.  Follow Him.  Live for Him.  Because every day has the potential to celebrate Christ.

It Really Has Nothing to Do with Phil Robertson

It Really Has Nothing to Do with Phil Robertson

Posted by Candace

As this week comes to a close, my mind is worn.  I think that the Duck Dynasty controversy has been written about and railed about and run through the ringer from every angle.  I may have scrolled past 50 blogs that took this opportunity to share their views with the world (I guess I am jumping on that bandwagon, aren't I?).  It has been almost painful to read opinion after opinion until I just had to stop.  I am thankful to this controversy though because it has forced me to solidify my beliefs and examine my responses.  It has made me passionate and then humble and then resolved.  For what it's worth... if you can stomach to read something else about this nonsense... here's my take away...

• The Church is as bad as a political party when it comes unity and loyalty to each other.  We have so many factions going on in the family of God and EVERY ONE of them think that they have the right view of things, the right interpretation of the Bible, and the backing of Jesus Himself.  The Scriptures say a good many different things that all fall somehow into harmony with each other, but most everything that I have read on this issue has taken one of these different things and made it the only thing to beat other Christians over the head.
• Many people seem to think that if somehow you are angry about a man answering a question about morality truthfully and being put in time out for it in front of God and everybody that you have ceased to care about the lost and dying world or about people being martyred for Christ or about sex trafficking, etc, etc.  I can personally attest to the fact that you can do both at the same time.
• Those, (this includes other Christians) attacking Christians for taking a public Biblical stand against homosexuality on the basis that it is publicly denigrating hurting people seem to forget that Christians did not bring this fight into the public arena.  We were not on the offensive on this, but rather the defensive and that is only because marriage (an institute that God was very clear about when He created it in the beginning) was brought into the public debate.  Don't get me wrong, we love every one of the people trying to shove the agenda down our throats, but we are compelled to say "No, I'm sorry, you are wrong.  Your ideas will destroy and kill and steal.  They will steal our children...our future generations.  There is a good reason this lifestyle has been forbidden by the Lord."  The people controlling these loud factions do not want to stop with being accepted by society.  This agenda is driven by the devil to infiltrate our schools and be taught as an acceptable and alternative lifestyle to children.  Sin is not content until it has sucked in everyone within its reach.  With prayer already removed, this agenda will over take our children (our future society) and cause destruction that many will be lamenting in the years to come. In some ways it already has.
• Most of us with real concern about where this is going are not without sin.  Rather, most of us have experienced sin at its most destructive.  We are rescued and forgiven and we simply cannot sit by and be silent while other are recruited into the strongholds of the enemies camp.  We cannot call it love to be silent.  We have experienced the truth that sets free and we take seriously our job as ambassadors.  We know that the truth often hurts...it often offends...it brings dark things to light and forces people to take a good hard look at their actions...but when accepted, it sets free.  I am not condoning truth screamed in hatefulness, but rather truth spoken in love.
• There are sides to the battle of this world.  I'm sorry, but that is a Biblical fact, whether you like it or not.  If you are not living for Christ, you are living for Satan...you are an open door for the enemy to use you and your life for destruction.  None of us are perfect...but you are either covered in the righteousness of Christ or you are not.  If you are not, and you die or He returns, your sin will glaringly convict you when you stand before the throne.  That is truth.  It is love to tell that truth.  The only thing that makes me different from someone unsaved is that I have repented of my former way of life and made Jesus my Lord.  And that invitation is as open to anyone unsaved as it was to me.
• You can struggle with sin and not be defined by it.  I don't believe that there are openly gay Christians, just as I don't believe there are openly liar Christians.  If you have a problem with lying and you are letting Christ work it out of you, you do not walk around saying "I'm a liar and proud of it."  NO, you are covered with the righteousness of Christ and struggling against lying.  It is the same with any sin.  When we give our lives to Christ, such WERE some of us, but we are no longer.  We pray to walk worthy of our calling, not to continue to be defined by our sin.  Sin has lost its hold on us unless we continue to give it that hold... and there is no better way to give it power than to define ourselves by it.
• None of this is really about a stupid TV show or even crazy reality stars, it is about the battle between the forces of darkness and the forces of light.  It is about seeing right in front of our eyes the state that the Church is in.  When we can attack and attack and attack, even turning on each other, we are playing right into the hands of the enemy.  We don't have to become loud and obnoxious like the world when we want to make a point.  When God wanted to make a point, He sent an infant to be born in a stable.  We can quietly take our stand and leave room for God's wrath.  But even when Christians are loud and obnoxious (some of us completely on accident), are we still worthy of love and grace?  Or is that just reserved for the loud and obnoxious sinner?  I seem to remember a verse that says "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love ONE ANOTHER."
• Losing freedom of speech and of religion means that all these people blogging and saying that fighting for these freedoms is not a Christian's job, lose their freedom to freely state this opinion.  If you believe that this is not an important issue, then shut down your blog immediately...unless of course, you plan on being politically correct ALL the time and on every issue.
• To be very clear, I am as passionate about fornication and adultery as I am about homosexuality and that does not mean that I hate people that do it.  I have a myriad of friends and even family who have had children outside of marriage or have been through divorces that included adultery.  Why is there this blanket label of hate and rejection and bigotry put on Christians that believe and are willing to stand up for what the Bible says?  I wish we were back at the debates about how much fornication is now all over TV, but we've already crossed that acceptance bridge, remember?  How many of our children have been caught up in destruction because we have accepted this particular sin as "our culture"?
• We need a lot more time on our face before God.  I think we forget that this time in His presence changes the world much more than anything we can do with our own two hands.

Take them or leave them...after all, who am I?  Just someone commissioned to be a light in the middle of a dark world who often completely messes it up.  I ask Jesus how He could hope to reach the world and bring glory to Himself through people as messed up as me (probably most Christians are not THIS messed up).  That in itself is a miracle!  I am only left with this in this season of Advent when the A&E chaos is abounding around me... Come, Lord Jesus.

Kate: A Case Study in the Needs of Children

Kate: A Case Study in the Needs of Children

Posted by Candace

A year and a half ago we brought home a two and a half year old little girl from China.  This girl was quiet and smart.  She would babble a bit in Chinese, sometimes singing a song or two, but for the most part she just watched life go on around her.  You could almost see the wheels turning inside her head.  She was taking life in, but something stopped her from jumping into life.

Fast forward to today... this girl is full force, full on LIVING.  She runs EVERYWHERE.  She rarely stops talking.  She can crawl up into a strangers lap and have them wrapped around her finger in less than two minutes.  She asks questions and makes statements that are literally astounding sometimes.  She laughs often, loves deeply, and lives fully.

What changed?  Well, yes, she lived in an orphanage for two and a half years and yes, I am sure that largely contributed to the way she was when we brought her home.  I, however, often wonder if Kate would be the Kate we have at home if she were still with her biological parents.  There is much to be said for DNA in personality development, but I think there is more to it than that.  I know now, as an adult, that there were many factors that kept me from ever blossoming fully as a child.  Three things stand out when I consider the way that I have parented and how it has allowed my children to fully develop their personality.  Don't get me wrong... I'm no expert.  I will not be writing parenting books any time soon.  However, I think I have stumbled upon three things that I have mostly done right for my kids.

Children need space.  Yes, structure is a good thing...even a necessary thing, but a child will never thrive under rigid rules all the time.  You will not get to see and experience everything that God created your child to be under the heavy curtain of inflexibility.  A child needs time to get messy without being wiped every five seconds... time to run in the house without being chastised about the knick knacks (put those things in storage already)... time to be naked and silly... time to be loud and flamboyant.  There is a time for everything, of course, but that should include this kind of time.  Giving your child space means letting them breathe...letting them be themselves... letting them experience freedom.

Children need grace.  High love, high discipline... I totally get it.  Yes, children need boundaries and they need to be taught to follow those boundaries, but they also need to be able to make mistakes.  When it is not a game changer, choose grace.  When the milk is spilled all over the floor, when they have slammed the door for 4th time today, when they need a few extra minutes to finish their game before they go to bed...choose grace.  There are many, many things that we, as parents, can harp on because it makes OUR lives easier.  If we really want to see our children live life fully, we have to set aside our "pet peeves", reminding ourselves that some day we will miss the spills and the noise and the reluctant bedtimes.  Giving your child grace means letting them breathe...letting them make mistakes...letting them know that some things are just NOT a big deal.

Children need face.  Attention is key for a child.  Your full attention means that they are important and they know this.  This is why children will vie for an adult's attention...because every time a face is turned toward them, they hear "you are important."  When my children speak, I try to fully listen and fully engage (provided they are not interrupting a conversation or talking to me while I am on a rare phone call, in which case, I have this eerie "tune you out" ability).  I have never been one for much baby talk, except with babies... so often I will speak to them in the same way that I would talk to another adult, maybe in an age appropriate form of conversation, but not in any way patronizing or demeaning.  Respect your child like you respect any other human on the planet...because shocker...wait for it... your child is a human.  GASP!  and one day they will be an adult human just like the ones you interact with on a daily basis.  Follow them into their imagination.  Help them make up the story.  Play along.  But also answer their questions.  Be as truthful as possible.  Explain things they don't understand when you can.  In the end, you will be surprised at how much they can process.  Children also need to be "in" your face...they need time to be close to you.  They need to be DAILY swept up in hugs...covered in kisses... tickled and soothed.  It isn't good to have physical boundaries with your children (Obviously I am not talking about ANYTHING inappropriate here)... they should have access to hugs when they need them, to time right in your face, to ability to touch your hair and your nose and put their fingers in your mouth.  They thrive when they have full access. (Disclaimer: I know there are times when we don't want our children right in our face and I am not saying it is never okay to say "not right now", I'm just talking about saying "it is never okay".  Again, I am speaking only of appropriate contact) Giving your child grace means letting them breathe...letting them be seen AND heard... letting them as close as they want to be.

Parenting this way does not automatically mean that your child will fully open up to life.  I know that there are other factors that go into this and they greatly vary in every family and every situation.  And please don't think that I am saying this is ALL children need.  Please keep feeding your children, giving them structure, disciplining them, and most importantly, praying for them.  However, if you can give space, grace, and face to your child on a daily basis, it will help give them the courage and freedom to learn to live.

No, I can't imagine that Kate would be the same little girl back in China, even if her parents could have raised her.  I saw nothing in China that gave indication these three things are priorities in parenting there.  But as I look back over my list, I realize that I, myself, daily receive every one of these things from my Father in heaven...that these are parenting strategies that He uses with this child over here...and there's no better recommendation than that.