Please Don't Fight These Hands That Are Holding You

Please Don't Fight These Hands That Are Holding You

Posted by Candace

Our Kate is a fighter...and when I say "fighter", I mean literally.  She kicks, she screams, she pinches, she bites, she hits, she scratches...she tries to hurt us...she even tries to hurt herself.  Why?  Probably because this little 2 year old is hurting and afraid and frustrated inside and does not know how to deal with it or communicate it.  Though we love her, we hold her, we rock her, we feed her, we give her everything we know how to give, she still fights us...she still resists us...she still gets angry and afraid when she is not in control.

There is a song that plays on the radio that captured my heart right before we completed this adoption.  "And I'll be by your side whenever you fall, in the dead of night or whenever you call, Child, please don't fight these Hands that are holding you. My Hands are holding you"  It spoke to me so deeply because I fight.  I kick, I scream, I bite, I fear and still He gathers me close and whispers that it is okay.  He reassures me that if I would just stop fighting Him and trust that I would save so much energy.  He tells me that I am safe and I am free to live as if I am.

Kate and I are so very much the same.  I am learning more and more each day that often I live as an orphan, instead of an adopted daughter of a King.  I often revert to old habits that I learned to keep myself feeling safe and protected.  I want to be in control all the time.  I want to be in charge of me.  I don't want to give that power to anyone else...even God.  And yet I am missing so much in living this way.  I am missing the peace and joy of resting in quiet confidence in my Father.  Just as Kate is expending energy protecting herself from the ones who love her the most, I often put up walls of protection that do nothing but harm me.

It may take lots of time for Kate to learn that she is safe with us...that we only want what's best for her...that we love her beyond comprehension, but our hope and prayer is that she will progress daily in this knowledge.  Just as Paul prayed for us that we would grow to know the height, depth, and width of the love that God has for us.  That daily we would come to think a little less like orphans and a little more like beloved children.  That someday soon we would stop fighting the Hands that are holding us.

For Our Kate (By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North) Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face Just don't turn away Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching? As if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, Tell me where will you run? To where will you run? I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Look at these hands, at my side They swallowed the grave, on that night When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in And give you life I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you And I, I love you And I want you to know That I, I'll love you I'll never let you go I'll be by your side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you Here at my side wherever you fall In the dead of night whenever you call Please don't fight these hands that are holding you My hands are holding you

Orphanage Effects

Orphanage Effects

Posted by Candace

While in China, David and I visited Kate's orphanage.  I chose purposely not to write about the visit because I felt like I needed more time to ponder it in my heart.  This morning I woke up with that place on my mind.  And I need to write... I need others to know... I need others to care.

When we arrived in Kate's city, we were flabbergasted at the conditions.  I literally felt like I was in a movie about a war torn area, not in the place that my daughter had spent her first 2 years.  The pictures that I took tell the story of poverty that we rarely see in America, but is quite the norm in the outskirts of China's huge cities.  As we got closer to the orphanage, I began to comprehend why so many special needs children are abandoned here.  My heart did not want to understand...it wanted to go on thinking that something was wrong with these people...that they were cruel and did not care about their children. It is so much easier to think that, then to realize that in many cases these children are abandoned as a matter of survival for their parents...and not only for their parents, but for the children themselves.  What do you do with a child that is not healthy when you are barely able to provide for yourself.  These people love their children.  It is apparent when you adopt one and smiles and stares surround you everywhere you go.  A good many people seem very happy that another one has a home.  I began to understand all of this despite my best efforts not to...because there is pain in accepting that the woman who gave life to your child may not have desired to turn her back on her.  She probably had all the God-given motherly instincts, but no resources to fulfill them.  She very well may have given Kate up to save her life.  Oh how I pray for Kate's birth parents.  I wish I could know them.  I wish I could help them.

We pulled into the orphanage parking lot in the middle of the main city.  We were greeted by several workers who were very excited to see Kate.  They asked her several questions and when she replied they laughed.  She would not let any of them hold her and the "glazed" look in her eyes had returned...the one that makes her look very unsure of what is going on around her.  She gets that look when her heart is hiding and scared.  She clung to us, but I am still unsure what to think of that.  How can you spend the first two years of your life with a certain group of people and not be so very happy to see them again after only 4 days of being away?  At the time, we felt excited that she had attached so quickly to us, but looking back I am unsure of what to think of her reaction to being back in the only "home" that she knew.  It scares me to pursue this line of thinking.  I wish I knew what a day in the life of these orphans looked like.  I wish that I had video or pictures of Kate's life before us.  I wish I could read details of how the workers are taught to interact with the children.

We entered a courtyard that seemed quite pleasant and made our way into the building.  Everything seemed very clean and orderly.  We got a glance in the kitchen where workers were already preparing food for the day and at a room that the children used for learning and eating.  Then we were lead upstairs to Kate's "room".  Bear with me as I try to convey what we saw.  I don't know quite how to write on paper what my heart feels, but I know that God is calling me to take someone into this room.  As we entered, we saw 5 or 6 chairs lined up in front of probably 20 beds and cribs.  In the chairs were children ready to greet Kate.  They were excited to see her and gave her candy.  What caught my attention instantly were the babies (I love babies)... there were 3 or 4 infants lying in cribs in this room.  These babies were completely quiet...no movement...no cooing...no crying...nothing...and their eyes were wide open.  They weren't sleeping...they were just silent.  It struck me as eerie.  I asked to touch the babies and was given permission.  I wanted to pray for each of these children and to touch them with a tiny bit of love.  As I touched these babies they got agitated...a couple even started crying.  These infants were not used to human contact.  The nannies at the orphanage all seemed very nice and loving and the children were well groomed and taken care of physically, but something was missing in that room.  Mommies were missing...the kind that respond instantly to their child's cries so that the baby knows to communicate this way gets its needs met...the kind that will stay up all night if necessary to comfort their baby...the kind that go to the ends of the earth to heal the hurts of their children...the kind that make a child feel safe and loved and free to grow up unafraid.  Daddies were missing...the kind that use their strength to defend their child and his or her needs...the kind that come home after a long day of providing for the family, but still have a little energy left to play a game or wrestle...the kind that wake up in the middle of the night just to kiss their babies face one more time.  This was missing in this room.  This was missing for 2 years of my daughters life.  This was missing for the rest of these children who were not going home to learn a new way of life.

I have begun reading about the effects that institutionalized life has on children, even from birth.  Most people do not realize the importance of the infant years.  We automatically cuddle and love and respond to our babies.  We love nothing more than to hold them, to feed them, to kiss them.  My daughter did not even know how to kiss or what a kiss was.  We have had to teach her that very simple act of love.  My Kate had spent 2 years without kisses!  This should NOT be!!!  As I read, I find out that God wired us to begin learning to trust from birth.  The infant and toddler years are CRUCIAL in the forming of a child's brain and his or her ability to handle life and to trust.  If an infant is cuddled and loved and fed and changed...if a baby knows that when they cry someone who loves them will respond...then their brain begins to develop a connection with their caretaker and trust is born.  They don't even know that they are an individual...they think that they are a part of the caretaker...which is why we know what seperation anxiety is...because up until that point a child has no fear of abandonment.  Orphans are different.  Orphanages run on strict schedules, not on the cries of a baby.  Babies learn that their cries are not usually answered...they learn not to cry...and as they grow, they only learn to survive.  My Kate is a survivor.  She is terrified when she is out of control...when she has to put her well being in the hands of another.  She fights us.  She screams, she hits, she bites, she pinches (we stifle laughs most of the time at her sassy attempts to hurt us because she is so serious about it, but you can tell she doesn't really want to hurt us).  She doesn't trust, because trust might mean danger.  Her brain is telling her that she is alone...and she doesn't want to be alone.

There is so much more that I could write or explain.  I would love to take up more of your time to share what I am learning about the similarities of physical adoption in this world and our spiritual adoption in Christ.  I am learning so much, so quickly about why we struggle spiritually even after becoming new creatures and adopted sons and daughters of the Most High.  I see so much of me as a Christian in Kate and her battles with trust.  Maybe I will expound more later on all of that, but right now I want to plead with you.  I want to ask you not to turn your back, ignore, or be too busy for the call of God.  If He is pricking your heart, through our story, through circumstances, through His Word, please do not be passive about it.  So many children out there need you.  First and foremost, they need love, but they also need resources and prayers.  You may not think that you could love a child that was born to someone else or you may be afraid that you don't have the money or the time to spend on this process or you may feel very comfortable in your "safe" life and wonder why you would ever "mess it up" when you would only be helping one child any way.  I promise you that I have had ALL of the same thoughts.  This journey was not simple.  It was one that stretched us and challenged us at every step.  It was one that took days and nights on our knees and in His Word.  It was one that consumed a year and a half of our life and is still consuming.  Would I change it for anything?  NO!  I have run away from hard things for a long time and I am now realizing that life only becomes great through hard things.  The Kingdom is built through those willing to walk through hard things.  Heaven is FULL of people who did hard things.  Things that required every ounce of strength and faith that they had.  Things that showed the glory of God and His Presence on this earth.  We are a culture of comfort and ease, but God is a God who shows up STRONG in the most difficult moments...and it drives you to your face in worship.  That is the only place on this earth worth being.  If there is a desire in your heart to help, don't let it go...don't ignore or forget it.  Keeping seeking, keep knocking, keep trying to understand what it is that God is calling you to.  Don't get to the end of your life and wonder what you left on the table...

Now I have begun to realize why Satan fought us so hard throughout this journey...why some days it seemed easier to just forget it and go on with our "American dream" life.  He knew that Kate was not the only one to be redeemed in this process...she isn't the only one to be healed...she isn't the only one to be freed.  God is healing me...He is healing David...He is healing Jordan and Nathan.  We are all seeing deeper into His amazingness.  How bout you?  Say YES.

For Those of You Who Like Details...

For Those of You Who Like Details...

Posted by Candace

Yesterday was the longest Saturday of my life!!  We left our hotel in Hong Kong at 6am Saturday morning and arrived in Atlanta at 9pm Saturday night.  Sounds like it wasn't a bad day until you realize that China is 12 hours ahead of us and we were actually travelling with our 2 year old for over 24 hours yesterday.  And that doesn't even include the day before when we had to journey back to Hong Kong by van from Guangzhou.  The van ride was supposed to be 3 hours, but ended up more like 5 with traffic and a flat tire.  We knew we were in trouble when Kate had a good bit of trouble sitting at all in that van.

Yesterday was, in a word, a miracle.  Picture 2 people with a 2 year old, 5 suitcases, 4 carry ons, a stroller, and several blankets, sweatshirts, etc. making their way from the other side of the world.  Then add to it the fact that I was coming down with something...splitting headache and horribly sore throat.  Our journey started in the Hong Kong airport where it took twice as long and a little bit of money to get Kate's ticket changed from her US name to her Chinese name so that it would match her passport.  At first they told us that we had to repurchase the ticket, but then allowed us a $75 change fee...gotta love Delta...$75 to change a name.  Then we lugged all our stuff through security as Kate is screaming because she doesn't want to sit in the stroller.  When I say screaming, the girl has a set of lungs.  I will tell you that the only thing that kept me from turning around and heading back to the Hong Kong hotel is that fact that God kept reminding me that every minute was a minute closer to home.  David actually looked at me and said "Let's take our time.  We will be okay.  We can do this."  That is not David, especially when we are already running behind schedule.  He felt the weight of the trip too.

The first flight was only 3.5 hours, but it felt much longer as Kate had several complete meltdowns.  By the end of the flight we were pulling out the Benedryl (which, btw does not seem to have any affect on her).  We got to Tokyo and had to go through security and immigration again since we were in another country.  It is so much easier to write all of this then it was to do it.  Then we had a 3 hour layover in which all Kate wanted to do was explore the airport and all I wanted to do was to sleep.  An hour before we boarded our 10 hour flight to Seattle she fell asleep for her nap.  This was trouble for us because we knew we had lost an hour of her sleeping on the plane.  Sure enough, 2 hours into the flight she was wide awake and ready to go.  Kate is not a "sitter", she is an explorer.  She wants to be up and going and playing and she wants her way ALL of the time.  If she does not get her way, she lets out the LOUDEST bloodcurdling screams I have ever heard.  So yes, you guessed it...she screamed the majority of the last 7 hours of the flight.  This mama was feeling sick, and daddy was sitting by a completely drunk guy who slept the whole flight, but also took up the armrest.  I cannot even tell you how we survived this flight.  Well, yes I can.  Jesus.  I called on His Name probably more than a hundred times. 

When we got to Seattle, we almost knelt down and kissed the ground.  It was so nice to be in America again.  I felt sick and tired, but also overjoyed that our journey was almost over.  We passed through immigration and customs...that was a hoot to get all our luggage through by ourselves and then we crashed by our gate to wait through a 4 hour layover.  I tried to sleep on the airport floor, but sleep is hard to come by when you feel like your head is exploding, you are on a hard floor, and your daughter is pulling your husband all over the airport.  David was SUCH a trooper and is so good with Kate.  He completely amazed me on this trip.  Finally we boarded the flight to Atlanta.  Kate was exhausted by then, as were we all, so thank GOD in heaven most of the trip was spent sleeping.  At this point, David is feeling sick too and I have used my last diaper.  Of course as we are making our final descent and I am exhilerated at the fact that we are home, trying to soak in all the excitement of seeing the boys, Kate poops.  And boy did she poop...gross, I can still smell it... and boy, did she want to be changed (who wouldn't).  And boy did I wish that I wouldn't have changed the slightly peed in diaper halfway through the flight.  The upside was that we had reentered the US in Seattle so all we had to do was go get our luggage and get to the car.  I found a small store that sold me a travel pack of 2 diapers for $7... I think that should be illegal...and changed Kate (it was seriously gross, but she's my daughter so I handled it).  We were HOME, and that was all that mattered.  We drove home and the boys met Kate and then quickly pulled out our suitcase full of goodies that we brought back...they don't waste time with presents.

I'm sure it will take me a couple of weeks to process this journey.  The two weeks we spent in China felt longer than 2 weeks.  Maybe then I can accurately put into words all the emotions and thoughts that run through me about my stay in my daughter's country.  All I can say right now is that this journey is complete proof that God DOES exist.  Kate is complete proof that He is a loving Saviour.  The trip home is complete proof that anyone can do anything when the Hand of God is on their side.  I am a living testimony of the goodness of God.  When you doubt it, think of me, think of this blog.  I cannot even tell you how impossible all of this would have been if there was not a God.  There are a million details that showed His handiwork.  David looked at me on the ride home in his car (it is weird to be driving the streets of Atlanta after 2 weeks of buses and taxis and shuttles. David described it as driving streets of gold...lol) and said "I don't know how anyone ever adopts without God's call in their life."  We both felt His Hand, His Provision, and His Great Love for Kate.

Kate is doing well.  She is fascinated with Jordan and Nathan and I think in a few days it will be as though she has been here all along.  She has a long road of doctor visits and such ahead of her as her arm and leg deformities are a little more serious than we thought.  She is the perfect combination of beauty, sweetness, sassiness, and naughtiness :).  She will need to learn that her cute faces do not always equal getting her way, but she is smart and strong and oh, so lovable (when she is not screaming bloody murder :).  She was meant for us from the beginning of time.  And I will go to my grave declaring the glory of God in the miracle He has done in our family.  What's next?  Only God knows, but I trust Him more than I ever have.  My hope and prayer is that through this story many others will see Jesus and put their hope, faith, and trust in Him.

Nothing is Impossible with God

Nothing is Impossible with God

Posted by Candace

So before I forget all of the things that God has done on this trip, I have to make a list.  I thought I would share it with all of you!  NOTHING is impossible with God!

1. I thought it was impossible for me to fly 20 hours in one day...nothing is impossible with God
2. I thought it was impossible for me to sleep soundly in a strange country for 2 weeks...nothing is impossible with God.
3. I thought it was impossible for me to be away from my boys for this long without breaking down...nothing is impossible with God.
4. I thought it was impossible for my body to adjust to a 12 hour time change...nothing is impossible with God.
5. I thought it was impossible for me to eat strange foods in strange places...nothing is impossible with God.
6. I thought it was impossible for me to love an adopted child as much as my biological children...nothing is impossible with God.
7. I thought it was impossible to love people who I could not understand...nothing is impossible with God.
8. I thought it was impossible for me to have fun in China...nothing is impossible with God.
9. I thought it was impossible to be comfortable taking care of a 2 year old again...nothing is impossible with God.
10. I thought that I would not make it through this 2 week trip, when we started this process I never even considered going...nothing is impossible with God.

Sometimes God requires HUGE steps of faith in our lives.  If He is calling you, walk off that cliff...cause there is nothing like the arms of Jesus catching you as you fall.

Halfway to Home

Halfway to Home

Posted by Candace

5 more nights until we head home to Georgia.  As much as I am looking forward to being back home, I am not looking forward to the day and a half trip that we will have to make to get there.  Kate doesn't do well sitting still for long distances (what 2 year old does?), so we will have to figure something out for those long plane rides (suggestions welcome!).

We are doing well despite missing America.  We have come to love China and the Chinese people, although some of them don't love us very much :).  All in all, we have learned so much.  Kate's people are proud and disciplined. They love their families just like we do and they want nothing more than to raise and support healthy children.  They work very hard for very little.  Everywhere you go in China the volume of people is amazing.  It makes you feel quite little, actually.  It is easy to think that we, as individuals, or even that America is the center of the universe, but there are millions and millions more people out here, that think the very same thing :).

Yesterday we did some more shopping and got some great deals on DVD's and more clothes for Kate (I can't resist).  The shopping area that we went to was a wholesale center so it was a bit run down. Our friends, the Rapers, saw a dead rat laying on the ground, so not quite the most sanitary place.  Kate screamed bloody murder on the bus ride back to the hotel.  We had missed nap time and she had had enough.  These children have a distinct grieving cry that we cannot relieve but usually have to just wait for them to get it out.  It breaks your heart, but there is not much that will soothe it.  We have noticed that when Kate can be "in control" she is happy, but as soon as she cannot, this grieving cry (scream) appears and we are helpless to comfort her.  We have allowed her control to a certain point, but have begun to establish a few boundaries (quite carefully, I might add) and she is having a hard time with that.  Please pray that we will have wisdom in this area, as we want to love her as well as we can.

After she woke up from her nap, she was a little bit happier, so we dressed her in Chinese garb and took her downstairs to have pictures made with our group.  It was quite interesting to get all the babies and children looking at the cameras and not crying.  Kate seemed a bit calmer so we decided to do the Thai dinner with the group.  The restaurant was really nice and the food was great and Kate was happy for most of the visit, so we enjoyed it.  We have met some awesome people.  Our new friends, Demetria and Kevin Raper brought their two boys along on the trip for us to help love on and we have enjoyed every minute with them.  They also adopted a little girl.  She is 15 months old, and Lane is PRECIOUS!  They really have been such a comfort to us and it is amazing how quickly you can attach to people in situations like this.  I feel like we have been friends forever and I will miss them like crazy when they leave on Wednesday!!

Today we went to the zoo.  It was actually quite nice except for the humidity which had me absolutely pouring sweat (and I don't sweat easily).  It felt like a sauna outside.  We saw lions and tigers and bears...(oh my!).  The animals all seeemed very well groomed and we especially enjoyed the panda who was eating a pile of bamboo.  It was a fun little trip, but the heat made it exhausting so it is nice to be back at the hotel.  David and Kate are napping and then we will hit the pool as long as thunderstorms do not pop up (quite usual here in the afternoon).  Hopefully our friends will be there too and we can have what their boys call "a pool party"!  Love me some Rapers! :)

Thank you for continuing to keep us in your prayers.  Our consulate appointment is on Thursday and then Kate will be a US citizen :). After that we travel back to Hong Kong on Friday so that we can fly out on Saturday.  Still seems too far away, but God will sustain us.  I am blown away when I look back and see His Hand in all of this, especially this trip which seemed IMPOSSIBLE for me only months ago.  LOVE ME SOME JESUS!!! :)  Love you all!

Our Trip So Far...

Our Trip So Far...

Posted by Candace

The past few days have been FULL!  Tuesday we returned to the same place that we picked Kate up to finalize our adoption and pledge to never abandon or abuse her. This visit was the one that meant she is ours forever, so we all celebrated a very special day. 
Wednesday we had to go to the Chinese police station and apply for Kate's passport. I think every adoptive family in China was there because it was packed.  The police station is actually more of a very nice government building...not what I was picturing at all...and no drug sniffing dogs milling about :).  After an hour of waiting, the actual process only took about 2 minutes.  We also took Kate to the pool on Wednesday.  She had been really afraid of water, not wanting a bath or a shower at all.  Not sure what the bathing process at the orphanage was, but it evidently wasn't pleasant.  We finally got her used to the water at the pool enough to sit on the first step.  By the end of our pool visit, she was letting me pull her through the water and then she ended up loving her Wednesday night bath!
Thursday was sightseeing day and our guide, Miko, said that we were going to visit a traditional Chinese building.  Since she is only guiding us and one other family, we highjacked the trip and asked to go shopping instead.  Guanghzou has this really amazing shopping area called Beijing Road.  I have never seen anything like it. A road packed full of shops with anything and everything you can imagine, plus 4-5 10+ story shopping malls.  You couldn't go through all the stores in a week of shopping. Kate loves to shop and was quiet and amazed through the whole process. We bought her Chinese dresses and also got gifts for a bunch of people.  Sunday will be another shopping trip and I'm excited.  This girl and her daughter love to shop.
And then yesterday, we visited Kate's orphanage. I wasn't going to go, but God had other plans.  One of our guides visited our table and breakfast and mentioned that the driver would also go to the site where Kate was abandoned.  That place is close to my heart and I knew I couldn't miss it.  So at 7am, David, Kate, and I piled in a van and headed for Quijiang in Shaoguan City.  On the way, I had moments of panic as I realized that we had entrusted our lives to this driver we had never met.  We knew nothing of where we were going so he could have easily kidnapped us and sold us into slavery...lol.  I have a very active imagination.  We drove 3 hours through the most gorgeous terrain I have every seen. Lush, green mountains and valleys dotted the landscape.  Our pictures won't do this part justice because they were through the van window at 60 mph and it was raining.
We finally got off on Kate's exit and my heart dropped as I saw the poverty that surrounded us. The building were crumbling, the streets were dirty, but the people...the people were gorgeous...and everywhere.  We entered the city area and drove to the orphanage which looks almost like a storefront in the city. 4 people met us as we exited the van and began talking to Kate excitedly and asking her questions.  She was very reserved, but she would answer the questions quickly and they would laugh!  We have no idea what they were talking about, but it was the cutest thing ever.  You could tell that she was very loved. We went inside where we were greeted with hot tea and Kate was given packages of cookies...which she was super excited about. They all talked and laughed with David and I just looking on with idiotic smiles on our faces...lol.  We loved it, but we sure wish we understood.  Thankfully our guide, Miko, was with us and could carry on conversation for us.
Finally they led us through the courtyard and up to the children's room where Kate had spent her 2 and a half years.  There were about 20 children in the room...some were laying in their beds, but about 5 of them were in chairs waiting to greet Kate.  There seemed to be several nannies caring for the children.  What caught my heart was infants, about 4 of them, laying in their cribs, quiet as could be but wide awake and looking around.  I had to touch them.  I silently prayed over the babies and then went on to several boys who were obviously mentally handicapped.  I could only touch them and pray that Jesus would comfort and care as only He can.  As we left my heart and mind were heavy with the plight of babies without mommys and daddys.  One little boy, about 4, had just been abandoned the day before.  I just want to know why?  What happened?  What contributed?  How can we fix it?
We ate at KFC with the orphanage office people and they would not let us pay.  Evidently in China it is custom to treat your guests, so we let them.  David couldn't even buy his own ice cream without the office manager getting upset...lol.  Then we were off to Wushi town where Kate was probably born.  It was raining by then and the street we were traveling was horribly bumpy and muddy. It took about 45 minutes to reach the spot and the town looked more poor than the orphanage location.  We pulled up to a government building and Miko told us we could not cross the street and take pics directly in front of it because the officials might come out and get on to us. So we took many picture from across the street.  I need to keep this part to myself for a while as I am still trying to mull it all over and make sense of it.
On the way home, my thoughts were full of questions.  While in Wushi town my heart just wanted to meet Kate's parents...to see them...to know why? what made them give her up? what was their situation? Could we help?  I used to think in black and white about this place that gives up so many of their children, but now their are grays.  Poverty abounds. The heavy toll exacted by the government is impossible for many.  Without a healthy body and a disciplined mind, they will not survive.  Without a strong, healthy boy to work hard and care for them in their old age, they will be left on their own without a prayer.  This abandonement is often their only hope of survival in their minds.  Ultimately it all comes back to one thing.  People need Jesus. They need someone bigger than themselves who can work all things together for good.  They need someone who sees the future and is more than able to take care of them.  To be able to trust enough to keep a child that does not fit in the box, they need to be able to trust a huge Saviour.  Jesus is once again, and always the answer...to every question.
Until China finds Jesus...until this world finds Jesus...there will be brokenness, there will be abandonment...there will be suffering. Praise God for redemption!  Praise God for adoption!

God's Incredible Love

God's Incredible Love

Posted by Candace

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life.  I am so glad and thankful to Jesus for getting me here to see it and sustaining me through this journey.  I would have regretted not coming here..not seeing my daughters homeland..listening to their language...getting to know their culture.  Praise be to my Lord for the miracle He has done!

I started the "gotcha" day as a ball of nerves.  It actually felt worse than my wedding day.  David and I ate breakfast and then took a swim in the chilly pool.  When it was finally time to leave, I wasn't sure if my legs would get me there, but they did.

We rode in the van to this little building about 20 minutes away.  We entered and went up to the 8th floor which is where the "Gotcha Room" is.  When we entered the room was completely full of new parents...some receiving their children and some waiting to receive their children.  It was what David fondly calls 'controlled chaos".  Screaming was the prevailing sound in the room, as several of the children were pulled away from the only caregivers they had ever known and put into the arms of their forever families.  My nerves escalated.  What were we doing?  Would Kate be one of the silent ones or one of the grieving ones?  We had only minutes to wait.

The other 2 families that we were with were called over first, so David and I offered to video and to take pics of their first moments.  We were crammed into this crowd of families receiving children trying to get phots and video of the right people...it was quite interesting.  Ten minutes after everyone with us had received their children we still had not spotted Kate.  David thought he saw her several times and about gave me a heart attack.  Our guide came over and told us that Kate's nanny was stuck in traffic so they would be there shortly.  My first thought was that this whole process had been completely in God's timing so we would be patient and wait.  Not that we had a choice, but waiting was the last thing that I wanted to do at the moment. 

Soon they were gesturing wildly for us to come.  She was here!  That moment is kinda a blur, but the thing that I will always remember is a woman turning towards us with Kate in her arms.  At first I didn't recognize my daughter though they were telling me she was ours, so I took a second look  into those big eyes and suddenly I knew it was her.  Not just in my mind...my heart connected to her and I knew she was meant to be ours...from the beginning of time.

Kate was very distraught about being seperated from her nanny.  She obviously loved her very much and was confused and scared to death.  She cried and screamed and I was hit with the first of many "mommy is helpless" moments.  It didn't matter how much I loved her, I could not make this better or easier for her.  We held her and kissed her and loved on her, but she didn't calm down until we left the building and only then because she had worn herself down.

There is so much more to write about like the fact that Kate is already a daddy's girl and that she has warmed up to us and bonded with us remarkable quickly and sometimes will not let anyone else hold her and the fact that we are worried for both of us to leave any room at the same time for fear she will think she has been abandoned again and how as I watch right now, David is loving her to sleep and she has her hand up on his shoulder so she will know he's there even after she closes her eyes.  So much to tell, but I am exhausted and I want to leave you with this.

This morning in the shower God hit me with a dose of his glory.  He said the same way that I love Kate is the same way He loves me and more besides.  The same way I watched her sweet face throughout the night enjoying my treasure, is the same way He watches me, enjoying me. "Why? Why God?  What have I done to make you love me?" I ask. "Kate could ask you the same thing."  He replies.  Love is freely given, not earned.  It must only be believed, accepted, and trusted. Wow! "Didn't I tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" He reminds.

We Have Arrived...

We Have Arrived...

Posted by Candace

I can only give glory to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for the fact that I am sitting in a hotel in China right now.  Even as I write those words, I ask myself, "What am I doing here and how did I get here?" lol.  We will find out today at 2pm.  I have jumped off the cliff and now I am believing that God will catch me. 
For some 20 hours of flight time, 2 layovers, a 12 hour time change, and a long taxi cab and train ride would be a piece of cake... for me it was smacking some of my biggest fears right in the face.  I have this never ending whispering in my ear of the enemy telling me that I can't do all of this.  God must really love adoption and this must really be leading to something glorious, because the spiritual battle feels constant.
We stayed in Hong Kong last night and it almost felt like America.  Very westernized.  People were friendly and most spoke English.  As we took the taxi ride to the train station, the expanse of this city that we missed in the dark was revealed. It looked almost nightmarish in the fog as buildings were stacked on all sides of us, everywhere.  Almost like a surreal dream...  We wound through tunnels and crossed huge bridges.
The train station was also huge and overwhelming.  Stores everywhere and people too.  We boarded the train to Guangzhou without even thinking we were about to see the China countryside.  The mood was tangibly different in Hong Kong then it is in China.  The feeling of oppression hangs gloomily over run down high rise after run down high rise.  Everyone hangs their clothes out to dry on the back of there units, so the buildings are littered with color that almost covers up the darkness and filth. Little shacks made of scrap metal are plentiful on the ground.  And the most overwhelming part is that sheer number and volume of people that live in this country, loved completely and amazingly by God, but may never know it!  How sad it makes my heart.  And now I know why Satan hates this thing we are doing so much. Cause God is transferring her out of darkness and into the Kingdom of the Son He loves.  In love, He predestined her to be adopted as a daughter through the Lord, Jesus Christ to the praise of His glorious grace.   She is not just ours...She is His!  I claim it.
It is difficult to be here.  Difficult on the body, the mind, the will, and the emotions.  So much that must be done and seemingly such a long time before we can return to our family and friends.  But there is such hope in the glory that God will bring to Himself through this process.  For once, I have chosen to make myself dreadfully uncomfortable for the cause of Christ (and I am not talking about the actual hotel we are staying at, because it is amazing!).  For once, I have begged God not to let me run and hide in my idea of life.  For once, I have asked Him to be glorified and to let that be the reward.  Am I proud of myself?  Not even close... I am nothing!  I need Him with every breath that I take. I have only done a smigden of my duty and even at that, it has barely begun.  But every time He reaches down into my heart and tugs me out of my self-focus and sets my eyes on His glorious face, it is worth it all.
Please pray for us... All of us.  We have not been in contact with our boys yet because of the craziness that is being on the other side of the world.  We will get our Kate today and a dream that I thought impossible just a few short days ago will come true as I stand there to be the first one to hold my baby and give her all the bonding love that should have been hers from the moment of her birth.  There are still battles to fight.  Pray that I will be strong, have a strong mind, endurance, perservereance and great peace.  Pray that I can eat and sleep.  Pray that Kate will not be traumatized in all of this and pray that David will stay as strong as he has been through this entire process.  The man can sleep or eat anywhere at anytime, darn it!
Please pray... we need you.  China needs you.  Kate needs you.  God never meant for us to do this alone.  Thank you so much for sustaining us with your petitions to heaven.  I will try to update again when she gets here... right now I have to go back to bed and try to get a little more sleep.

The Emotional RollerCoaster

The Emotional RollerCoaster

Posted by Candace

So if the adoption process was the "Mine Train", waiting to travel is the "Superman".  My emotions hang between excitement and panic, every now and then cresting the hills of each.  I simply am finding it hard to believe that in 3 days I will be boarding a plane and crossing the ocean to meet our little girl.

I apologize if I don't act as excited as you think I should be.  Sometimes you'll catch me in those moments that I have forgotten about the 20+ hour flight (there and back), the fact that I will be spending 2 weeks in a foreign country without my boys, and the 13 hour time difference, and you will only see the excitement of seeing a little girl's face for the first time.  Most of the time, however, you might be disappointed in my reaction as the trip that I am about to undertake weighs heavily on me.  I have actual had to pray on this one "Father, if it is possible take this cup from me.  Nevertheless not my will, but Your's be done".  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot do this myself, but I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will be with me every step of the way.  So as the minutes and hours tick away until the journey that I never in my lifetime thought I would take, I cling dependently to the One who is strong in my weakness.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I was naturally adventurous...that I don't want to love the unknown...that I long for a confidence that knows I can take on anything this world throws at me.  Unfortunately, I am still working on the whole losing my life thing and running toward danger stuff.  I believe that a life that follows Christ needs to include dreams that are bigger than us...that require a daily dependence on our God.  Meaning we need to be doing things that we can't do unless He shows up.  This is a scary place to be, because it requires trust in a Being that we can neither see, nor control.  It requires laying down our lives, so that He can receive glory through us.  This is not easy... it is a narrow path.  It is a path that winds through forests of suffering and pain, but it is also a path that leads to great peace and true faith.  We cannot walk this path on our own, and that is why it is so necessary, for He can do nothing great through us until we learn to cling to Him for our every breath.  This is a path that the world will never understand, because it magnifies our weakness in favor of His strength.  It asks us to sometimes suffer so that He may be glorified.  It makes us wait sometimes instead of gratifying ourselves instantly.  But the destination is gonna be worth it all.

In 3 days, I will embark on a journey that is sure to change my life forever.  I have already heard whispers from God that this journey will not end in China, but will only begin there.  Please pray that in all of this, He will be glorified.  Please ask that we will be mirrors to the world of our great God.  Please pray that we will have great peace and strong minds and bodies.  Please lift up our Kate and ask for the easiest, most beautiful transition possible.  And please end your prayers, petitioning our Saviour to have His way in all of this from beginning to end!

"Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth..."