The Blessings of Loss

The Blessings of Loss

Posted by Candace

Before I begin, I just want to note that I know not all losses in life carry the same weight.  Obviously the loss of a human is a much, much more heavy thing than the loss of an animal... I would not even dare to compare, but I believe in ALL loss those who know and cling to Christ will see glimpses of blessing if they will open their hearts to receive it.

We came home from church today to find that one of our precious puppies had passed away.  This puppy had not seemed to keep up with the other two in growth and I had been concerned for the last couple of days that something might be wrong.  The dogs were outside this morning and this little one had crawled far away from the others... from the comfortable "nest" that we had created in the deep shade...right into the hot sun where she took her last breath.

We were all devastated.  There is something about seeing a life form without life in it that reaches to your very soul.  This is the only puppy we had named.  Nathan considered her his responsibility and he called her "Caroline"..."Care Bear" was her nickname.  The boys took turns gently cradling her in their arms as we prepared a grave for her in our backyard.  We laid her down and I watched as David hesitated for the longest time.  He couldn't bring himself to shovel dirt over her.  Finally Jordan said, "Dad, you have to do it.  You just have to."

Death seems so final.  So dark and so unchangeable.  It seems to suck hope right out of life.  Unless you know the One who has already conquered it.  Then even in the darkest, seemingly hopeless moments, He reaches down and makes something beautiful. 

Jordan is the strength of this family.  His personality is strong. His reactions are strong.  His emotions are usually strong.  But I watched as my oldest broke down in sobs.  I waited to hear the grief of losing a puppy, but instead this is what I heard.  "Why did it have to be Nathan's dog? Why couldn't it have been mine?"  I heard selflessness come out of my son, that would not have happened in the normal dregs of life.  I watched as he "went to check on Nathan" several times...something completely out of the ordinary for a brother who had recently dubbed Nathan the biggest annoyance in his life.  And I thanked God for moments so beautiful in the midst of grief.

Puppies are admittedly not David's favorite things about life, but he is still shaken up about the death of this little one.  He feels responsible.  "If only..."  "We should have..."  "I shouldn't have..."  Doesn't loss bring out these questions?  Almost a refusal to accept what is...a desire to have known what was going to happen and change the outcome.  Even Hollywood has grabbed onto this cry of the human heart and made movies where changing the inevitable is possible.  The fact is this vulnerable place of humanness often is crafted into a tool that God uses to bring us closer to Him.  We are reminded of our complete lack of control in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death...of our dependence on the only One who truly changes things.  This is a lesson that we are all still learning around here, but one that my beloved especially struggles with as he tries to keep the world going on his shoulders.

So when Jordan said thoughtfully, "This is good for us, Mom."  I, not only knew exactly what he meant, but I fully agreed.  If we let it, every loss that God allows into our lives can be good for us.  It can change us, grow us, open us, break us, ultimately make us into people who look like Jesus.  Loss is not in vain when it is in the hands of the Great Redeemer.

I miss that puppy something fierce.  Every time I walk by the other two, I feel a lump form in my throat.  Earlier I was blessed to be able to share this crisis with a great friend who happened to call.  I began to explain to her what I was seeing in my family as a result of this loss, and she reasoned that maybe, just maybe, this puppy was created by God for this exact and particular reason.  What an incredible thought!  What an amazing gift!  What an awesome God who gives such beauty for ashes!

In all the losses of life...the heart crushing huge ones and the tearless tiny ones...if you will open your broken heart to a big God, He will open your eyes to His benevolent blessings.  SEE

Jessica Faith Update

Jessica Faith Update

Posted by Candace

So on my prayer list for the week, a request is written for an update on my precious daughters...with a tag line that says, "particularly from Jessica".

Today God answered this specific prayer.  I got an update.  I was sent 22 pictures and several videos from Jessica's orphanage.  My heart soared as these attachments started pouring into my email and I could not wait to open the pictures and the videos.  I am really not sure what I expected, but it wasn't the fear that smacked me full in the face as I was introduced to the faces of the people who have more than likely cared for Jessica since she was an infant.

Suddenly, I was sick inside from the thoughts that began to assault me.  How can we rip this precious girl from everything she's ever known?  How will we ever turn around and walk away from these gorgeous people who have raised our daughter?  How will we ever repay them?  How can we expect our 13 year old girl to cope with a new family that doesn't know her language...a new country a world away from China?  How in the world will any of this be okay?

Then that still small voice that continually keeps me sane spoke directly into my heart and asked, "Candace, are you going to walk by sight or by faith?"  See, as a mom, I want to read between the lines of every picture... I examine every aspect of them trying to understand everything that I can about our daughter.  I calculate every nuance of the face... I try to read the expressions and the body language...to somehow determine if my girl has been well cared for...if she is happy... if someday she might find it in her heart to love us.  I am trying to cling desperately to what I can see.  And all the while, Jesus is waiting for me to turn those wandering, fretting, motherly eyes on Him and look full in His wonderful face.

And you know what I see there?  I see a love so deep that I could never understand it... I see a God who has seen this precious child since before she was born... I see a Savior who is waiting on standby to work all things together for good when these girls come home.  When I finally remember to stay my eyes on Him, I remember that He is GOOD...that He never leaves...and that He has a plan.  I remember, as a sweet new friend reminded me today that I am not a savior, but He is...and He knows EXACTLY how to intertwine the hearts of this family that He is building. I remember what another friend texted me just a while ago, that this is about the GOSPEL...and our decision to bring this girl home has eternal significance.  And while I am gazing upon a God who gives so liberally and keeps so steadily, my heart is suddenly filled with faith.

So here I sit tonight, determined not to look away from the One who took us to China over a year ago and changed our lives into something more glorious than we ever could have imagined.  Would you join us in praying for the fragile heart of our sweet Jessica?  Because if anyone knows all that this transition will require, it is the One who ordained it from the beginning of time.

His Perfect Timing: A Story of Faith and Grace

His Perfect Timing: A Story of Faith and Grace

Posted by Candace

Wow.  Where do I even start?  I don't know what it is about me that makes me want to share everything that God does in my life, but for some reason I have been gifted in this way, so maybe some of you out there need to hear it.  Maybe some of you are being changed by our story.  I would love to hear about it.  I would love to know what legacy this family is leaving behind.  It makes life worthwhile every time I hear what God is doing through this journey.

December 12, 2012...or in other words, 12/12/12... I wondered why everyone was making such a big deal out of this day, but in the back of my mind, I wanted it to be a big deal for me too.  The only day ever to have 3 twelves in it.  Jesus had 12 disciples... I may eventually end up with 12 children :) (Don't freak out, Mamaw!)...12 month in a year.  12 has such a significance.  I thought that it ended up being a normal day in our lives, but it actually was anything BUT.  The other day, I looked back in the little journal that I keep of things that God has spoken to me and this is what I found under this specific date.

"'Go out from your land, your relatives, and your father's house to the land that I will show you.  I will make you a great nation, I will bless you, I will make your name great...and you will be a blessing.'" Gen. 12: 1-2 (I never realized this reference was so clearly confirming this Word until later 12:1-2  12/12)
(Here is what I had written under it) This Scripture jumped out at me tonight as though God was speaking these words directly to my heart.  The transition to Albany has been challenging, but I truly believe that God has us here for a purpose, whether for us or our kids.  This is the hope I will cling to through these first hard months. Love you, Jesus."

Ummm, yeah...He's alive.  My Savior lives and He continues to give the grace to walk by faith.  Naomi Grace and Jessica Faith are coming home on nothing but the TRUTH of our great God and what He will do when we step out and swim. 

When we began this process, we had just spent every last dime that we had to bring Kate home and move to Albany.  Not only that, but we had used our credit card to it's limit as well.  David and I both knew that this would be a test of faith, we just didn't know how big it would be.  We only realized about 2 weeks ago that we needed $14,000.00 to log our paperwork in China.  $14,000 all at once.  The mountain seemed insurmountable. 

On top of this, I really felt as if God was telling me not to fundraise and not to apply for grants.  I was on the verge of sending emails about a month ago to tell the story and to ask close friends and business associates for funds, and God said, "Don't do it. I want to provide this.  I want this to be glorifying to My Name."  Talk about some faith.  "So let me get this straight, God.  You want me to sit around and wait for You to drop $14,000.00 out of the sky."  That's about the jest of it. He confirmed this word through a book that I was reading at the time about Corrie Ten Boom and how she traveled the world for Jesus, never asking for a dime, and watching Him faithfully provide EVERY TIME.  Don't get me wrong... I have nothing against fundraising and grants and the like, but we all need to walk in obedience so that nothing impedes the Hand of God in our lives.

So friends would ask me how much we needed to log our paperwork and I would tell them sheepishly and hope they would not follow up with "well, what grants have you applied for?" or "When is your next fundraiser?" I would get almost sick when I thought about the consequences of not having this money when all our paperwork was finally ready.  We are on a serious time frame because Jessica ages out in November.  We have no room to play...  I floundered around and panicked in the waters of doubt...trying to cling to faith, but watching it slip away time after time. God would patiently grab on to me so my could catch my breath.  Finally, (a few days ago) I got to a point where I could say "Devil, my God will come through for me, but even if He doesn't, I am NOT bowing to doubt.  I will go down looking like a fool if that's what it takes to learn faith."

Our God is so gracious!  He knew all of this.  He saw my heart and He knows my deepest desire is to serve Him perfectly.  And by His grace through faith, I can stand here today without guilt or regret as He comes through once again.

Two days ago, David sat at a kitchen table praying for a specific check that was owed to Ascend to come in. The next day, the company emailed to say this check was on the way.  It arrived today.  After David and I spent an hour or so crunching numbers, we decided that this money was meant for this dossier log.  It will mean a little bit more faith that God will come through to pay some company bills, but we feel sure that He will meet every one of our debts in the near future.  Let me be clear...this is money that would NOT have been available under circumstances even a week ago when we did not have money in sight to meet our current obligations.  It came through the perfect circumstances and at the right time, which is why David and I agreed that God means it for this purpose.

I have all of my documents from Houston in my hand and I am waiting on one more from San Francisco that will probably arrive tomorrow...could God's timing be more perfect?  You can believe what you want... I believe MY GOD REIGNS.

Are You Swimming Yet?

Are You Swimming Yet?

Posted by Candace

This past week, Kate started swimming lessons with our precious friend, Emily Flynt.  Emily was our caseworker during our adoption process and instrumental in the moment I held my daughter for the first time.  It was absolutely fitting that she would be the one to teach her how to swim.

Water, even standing water, is a dangerous paradigm unless you know how to swim.  Once you are confident enough navigate it, however, it becomes far less of a threat.  Our goal in giving Kate swimming lessons at her young age was to keep her from drowning should she ever face a battle with water...very necessary since we now have a pool right in our back yard.

Kate was in a class with 2 other children a little bit older than her.  Day one was easy as pie and the kids just learned how to kick their legs while Emily held onto them.  You could see their attitude go from terror at the thought of having to "swim" to "I got this.  This is easy."  They were completely unaware of what was ahead and confident that they had learned to swim.  Day two, however, was underwater day.  Emily began to teach them how to hold their breath and go under the water.  This brought a variety of responses.  Most of them involved screaming, crying, and manipulating.  One little girl pleaded for her life using every technique she could think of.  All of the children, however, discovered their vice grip and used it on Emily.  She patiently pried them off amidst the cries and calmly put their faces under the water again.  Day three was mass hysteria... to the point that even I wanted to cry.  The kids were begging and pleading and screaming.  "Please, please don't put me underwater!!"  Yet every single one of them had learned to hold their breath properly and a millisecond before they were to go underwater, all hysteria would cease and they would do what they were being taught to do.

On day 3, I watched Kate carefully and realized that the issues that these kids were having was one of control.  Suddenly, they were not in control any longer and it didn't matter what they did, they were going under water whether they liked it or now.  It was also a trust issue.  They did not trust Emily (or anyone else for that matter) to not let them drowned.  There she was right beside them, ready to reach her hand out any minute and yet they panicked like the pool was completely empty.  When Emily would let Kate go and tell her to swim toward the wall of the pool (less than 2 ft away), as soon as Kate's head went under water, she was panicking and thrashing and trying to turn back around to grab Emily.  Day 4 was pretty much the same.  Though on this day, one of the little boys in Kate's class was swimming successfully every single time, but making such a racket in between that you would have thought he had almost drowned.  He was succeeding, but he didn't believe that he was.

Day 5, the final day of lessons, was an epiphany for Kate.  After a few tries of going underwater and thrashing around, it was suddenly as if a light bulb came on.  Her whole demeanor changed as Emily let her go underwater and swim toward me.  There was a peace in her body that I absolutely can explain no other way, but to say that she finally trusted the process.  She knew that if she obeyed the instructions that she was being calmly given, that Emily would make sure that she did not drown and she could swim.  And she did it!!!  I can't even tell you how incredible it was to watch the change in front of my very eyes.

As I was sitting in church this morning, God brought Kate's swimming lessons to my mind.  You see, He is teaching me how to swim.  Learning the faith walk is so incredibly like what I witnessed last week.  And I have been thrashing around this week, panicked, wanting nothing but to turn around and go back to the "safe" place in the water.  I am scared to death to believe and I am scared to death not to believe.  We need a ridiculous amount of money to even log our paperwork next week to begin the process to bring my girls home.  If I told you the amount, your mouth would drop.  And yet, the Holy Spirit has said, "Wait on Me. I will provide."  I am thrashing and panicking in these waters of pure faith, tempted to do anything but wait.  Almost sick to my stomach when I really think about the depth of what we are believing God for.  What if He doesn't come through?  What if we look like fools?  What if God disappoints us?  Just being honest with where my mind has tried to go this week.  If you could see to the inside of me, you would see the panicked face that Kate wore as Emily let go of her for the first time.

Sweet friends, we have two choices...we can learn to swim or we can sit outside the pool and watch everyone else swim.  I want to learn to swim and that means letting go of ALL of the doubts and realizing that my Savior is standing right beside me waiting to grab me when there is danger and cheer me on when I am finally getting it right.  I don't just want to swim like the boy who still believed with all his heart that he was in danger...all the while swimming.  I want to swim with the pure peace that Kate had when she finally realized that it was okay and she could do it.  I want to swim fully trusting in my Instructor...knowing that obeying His every Word is the only way I will every swim successfully.

What about you?  If you are in the pool of Christ, are you swimming?  Are you sitting on the side and watching everyone else?  Are you holding on to Jesus with terror and a vice grip that says, "Don't let me go under water!"?  Or have you learned the kind of faith that has you happily kicking around, maybe even teaching other how to do it?  That's the kind of faith that I am striving for.  I hope I am closer to day five than to day one.