For Better or For Worse...

For Better or For Worse...

Posted by Candace

Talked to our case worker this morning and the referral list that was supposed to come out this week, actually may be coming out next week. Evidently the agency in China that handles the list had a week off last week so that may have delayed it a little. So, you guessed it...more waiting.


Tremendously heavy hearted for marriages lately. In fact, so burdened that this has got to come out of me even though it is always a risky subject. I know of so many marriages that are struggling right now, so many people tempted to walk away, others walking. The enemy would like nothing more then to divide husbands and wives. He is fighting with all he has right now against the very institution that God uses to create life.

I would like to start out by saying that sometimes a relationship cannot be saved. The Bible gives a exception for divorce in Matthew 19:4-9 when Jesus says that Moses permitted the Isrealites to divorce and remarry in cases of adultery. Our God knows that the issue of trust is HUGE in a relationship. There are also many instances in our culture where physical and mental abuse are taking place and the best thing for all parties is a seperation or divorce. The Bible doesn't directly speak to this, but the tone of the Bible is nontolerance of abuse of this kind...especially in the case of children. We are the protectors of our children and sometimes we must remove them from situations. So I just wanted to importantly note those exceptions before I make my case for marriage :).

That being said, I would like to point out something specific that Jesus also says in this passage (Matthew 19: 4-9), because we like to skip over it. We like to skip over it, because it makes us very uncomfortable and quite frankly, it convicts.
"'Haven't you read', he replied, 'that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female,' and He also said: 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?' 'Why then,' they asked Him, 'did Moses command us to give divorce papers and to send her away?' He answered them 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not like that from the beginning. And I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.'"
Yes, Jesus just said that if someone gets divorced, except in cases of adultery, and marries another, they are actually committing the sin of adultery. Why would He say such a thing? If you look at the two intro verses, you will see why. The weight He gives marriage is incredible. Two people become one person. This isn't just a physical reference. It is a spiritual one. Our hearts join and to seperate them leaves each person with half a heart. We like to call it "baggage" in society today. He goes a step further in Mark 10:11
"'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. Also, if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."

What if every Christian really believed the Bible and lived by it? What if when we were choosing our life partner we felt the gravity of "Til death do us part"? What if we didn't give ourselves an "out"? What if we never thought "I could do so much better than this" without our next thought being "but I would be sinning just as much as if I were cheating on my spouse right now"? If remarrying while a faithful ex-spouse is still living is adultery (Jesus said it, not me), then getting divorced means being alone for the rest of your life, or sinning against God. If the choice were to be married to your spouse or to be alone, wouldn't that put a whole different perspective on things than what we all think the choice is today...to be married or to be "single and looking"? I think that is exactly what Jesus was trying to do. Note to remarried people: I am definitely not trying to bring condemnation here. Adultery (which comes in all kinds of forms) is an exception to all of this and ultimately this is between you and God. I am very sensitive to this Scripture as David and I both have remarried parents who we love very much. I am simply making a point about how strongly God feels about the institute of marriage and how much our culture has watered it down. If you are remarried, this applies to your current marriage, just as much as the first one.

When David and I got married, we agreed that divorce was NOT an option. We were either going to be really miserable together or we were going to work on our marriage and make it the best that we could. We felt strongly about this as we both believe in the blessings of faithfulness to God and we both had seen firsthand the havoc divorce can wreak. Honestly, for the first 8 years, I was mostly miserable. David and I are complete opposites. I am not making that up... we have the personality tests to prove it. Not only did we have that working against us, but we both come from broken homes. To make matters worse, I have always been a little bit...okay, a lot oversensitive, and David has, ummm....let's just say.... lacked communication skills when it comes to sensitivity. So I was one huge ball of hurt feelings for many years. There are two times that I can think of that things got so bad that the "D" word crossed my mind. Both times, I spent hours wrestling with God about the unfairness of what He had chosen for me. Both times, I wanted out so bad I could taste it. Both times, I tried to rationalize it as being the best thing for everybody. Both times, freedom seemed to be escape. And both times, God reached down in His faithfulness, clarified that true freedom is found in obedience, and gave me the strength to move forward in my marriage. He knows your heart. He will put up the roadblocks when He knows you need them. You might roll right over those roadblocks, but they are there...his loving Hand saying "Wait it out. Keep praying. Don't give up on your spouse. Hope!" Personally I have seen God not only transform David through the toughest times in my marriage, but transform me the most. It wasn't overnight, but He always gave the strength and hope to continue the journey. We still fight it out sometimes, but we have grown leaps and bounds, and our marriage is strong today. David is my absolute best friend and I will fight for this precious relationship.

You may not want that strength and hope. You may be purposely not praying because you are afraid that God might speak and tell you to stay and work and fight for your marriage. Ultimately you may believe a good bit more in your happiness than your holiness... but friend, happiness is fleeting and temporary...holiness is eternal. Your God loves you enough to want what is best for you, not what is easiest. His grace is enough, for His strength is made perfect in weakness.

My biggest hope for my marriage is the stability it brings to a family. As a product of divorce, I can speak to its long term effects on a child, as I'm sure could a good many of you. God's grace is always present in the aftermath, but the pain can be overwhelming at times. I still, to this day, wish my parents would have stayed together. I don't know that I will ever stop wondering what life would be like if they had. Maybe it would be really bad, but not if they both had agreed to work on it. I know many people who have gotten past the high school graduation of their kids and felt that they have "made it" to the end of their marriage and now their kids will be "okay" with parents that live in two different locations. I graduated about a year after my parents divorced, but I still have a longing to have had a childhood and adulthood filled with my parents together. I still long to have stalwart examples for David and myself. Yes, I have moved on...but I still have a void that comes out at 50th wedding anniversaries or commercials about happy families or fights with David that I know are outworkings of divorce damage.

So if you are struggling with this at all, I ask you to bring the matter before the throne. Struggle with God about it. You don't have to agree with Him, but I ask you to at least have the fight with Him. He can put it into perspective. He can give courses of action. He can help you courageously pray and wait. And I can tell you that in the end, there is NOTHING more fulfilling than knowing that you did the right thing and God was pleased with it and honored it. Don't rush to make yourself happy...Wait, and let God make you holy.

PS. Our pastor begins a new series about marriage at The Orchard (off of Hwy 81) on Sunday, October 30th. You should come :).

Reputation vs. Character

Reputation vs. Character

Posted by Candace

I need to write. I have a blog. Just for those of you wondering why this post will not contain any new adoption news. I have none. We are waiting. And just when we think we are done waiting...more waiting :).

No, I need to write about something else. To get my thoughts out on paper and watch them become cohesive...maybe. I need to write about reputation, and something bigger and more encompassing than reputation...character.

I came across a post on Facebook the other day that characterized the two as follows. "Character is who a person really is, Reputation is just what others think he is." As I began to think on this, I realized that most of us value our reputation over our character...at least I have, up until now. It took me a little bit to admit it. I wanted to think that developing my character meant more to me then working on my reputation, until someone brought up something that happened last year that I was less than proud of. Truth be told, this incident had worked together for good to develop my character, but when it was mentioned by someone who I had no idea even knew about it, I felt concerned for my reputation. I wanted to clear myself, set the record straight, make sure the person knew that I was just as great as they had thought that I was...but deep down I knew that I had simply needed a lesson in character and God had given it to me. I felt God's loving voice say, "Candace, would you have saved your reputation at the expense of your character?" And this is the real me, "Why yes, God, I would have. I would have spared myself any embarrassment at all costs." Thank God that He doesn't spare us embarrassment at times! Thank God that He doesn't let us stew in our issues unaware! Thank God that He cares much more about character than our reputation.

This was my first clue that my reputation has become an idol in my life...that my people pleasing behavior is sin...that I fear man more than I fear God. Not that reputation is a bad thing. We should maintain a good reputation with most people, but that reputation should be an outworking of true character... not protected at all costs so that we can get warm fuzzies about what society thinks and says about us. I was reminded again today as it became necessary for someone to address certain failings of mine. I found throughout the conversation that my main concern was not to correct the failings, but instead to make sure that I came out looking perfect. Because God had already pointed to this reputation issue in my life, I was able to handle this situation with a much better perspective than usual. But it still cut deep that someone might think something about me that was probably completely true, but I didn't want them to think. And as I was stewing about it afterwards and wondering why in world this stuff gets to me so much, I was asked... "Are you more concerned with your reputation or your character?" And because God knows the answer, He followed up with.. "Are you willing to hurt to change it?"

When I stand before the throne one day, it will not matter one bit what anyone thought I was. I won't be able to call witnesses to the stand or obtain reference letters. It wouldn't matter anyway, because the Lord looks directly into our hearts. Every day that we live, He sees the thoughts and the intents that we harbor, whether knowingly or unknowingly. He puts opportunities in front of us to change that sometimes feel like a curse, because He knows our potential. He knows what He created us to be. He knows how much better our life is when He is our Master. We can create a pretty good reputation... whenever, with whoever...if we try hard enough, but He alone can develop character. No, my reputation will not stand before the judgment seat, my character will.

Jesus never taught a "fake it til you make it" mentality. His disciples came to Him rough around the edges, real, full of themselves, concerned about getting their fair share... but after their time with Him, through many rough patches that developed their character, they became devoted witnesses who gave even their lives for His kingdom. When we read the New Testament, we see how little Jesus' reputation meant to Him and after a while how His disciples followed suit.

I think this will be one of the most challenging journeys that I begin in my walk with Christ. I could share ten reasons why, but I'd like to end this post with anyone reading it still awake. Suffice it to say that since I was a very small girl I have built my world around what everyone else thinks I am. Hard thing to admit, but true nonetheless. I have held my identity out to anyone and everyone, hoping that they would tell me who I am. Some people unknowingly launched me skyward, some people naively crushed me under their feet, others simply carried me, but none of them knew me like the One who created me. He is the One who tells me who I am. He is the One worth believing. His Words are the ones truly safe to build my world around. The other safe, comfortable, but equally false world of relying on reputation has to come down, and though I am frightened to see what happens when it does, come down it will. The words that will soon grace Kate's wall bring hope... "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly."

October 4th! Somebody Write it Down!

October 4th! Somebody Write it Down!

Posted by Candace

Gosh, I never cease to be amazed at God. He is ever so faithful and always comes through. I rarely even question it any more, because He just shows up at the right time.

About two weeks ago, I received a call from our adoption agency informing me that we were missing a Dr. explanation letter for David's recent back surgery. As rushed as I was to get this letter to our completed dossier, I was delayed by the fact that we had booked a cruise over fall break and would be gone for 5 days. I requested that the letter be mailed to me while we were on that trip and left thinking I would mail it right to the adoption agency when I got back.

The cruise is a whole nother post in itself, but needless to say it was quite torturous. It started with the fact that most of the ship stayed up to all hours of the morning "Party Hardying" right outside our door. After the second night of less then 2 hours of sleep, I was ready to get off, but as you know, on a cruise you are stuck, whether you like it or not. That fact made me feel very "trapped" and it was all I could do not to beg David to get us a flight out of Jamaica :). The days at sea were filled just trying to avoid all the inappropriateness going on and find some family friendly activities...most days we just resigned ourselves to the cabin. The stop that I got off at, Jamaica, turned out to be quite a tourist trap and after be "conned" out of all of the cash we brought off board, we were anxious to get back on the ship for another sleepless night. We did enjoy getting to experience the dolphins and the wild life at Dolphin Cove, but other then that, it was craziness. I didn't even get to get off the boat at the Caymans because I had not slept AT ALL the night before and I was completely exhausted. David and the boys went to see the stingrays and the turtles while I took a Benadryl and tried to catch some "zzzz's" while the party people were enjoying the island. Of course, when my family returned they were quick to inform me that the Cayman stop was the best of the whole trip. Hmmmm.... I was soooo happy when our feet were finally back in the US... and I am a little bit less of a travel person than ever. Home, sweet home is alright with me. I did think that it was very ironic that the name of our ship was the "Destiny". I have a feeling that we are about to step right into ours :)!

After this experience, we decided that it is probably best for David to make the trip to China on his own. As much as I hate to miss it and not be there, I would just end up making it more difficult in the long run. I am not a good traveler and am not good for long periods of time away from home and in large crowds, etc, etc. All of which is required for this trip. The flights we have checked on are upwards of $1700 and so taking the whole family is pretty much out, and since I am very sure I would be nervous wreck on the other side of the world without my children, it just seems the best plan for David to go himself. I am actually excited for him to be able to be a full time dad for two weeks and bond with our little girl. I know that if I did go, he would end up letting me do everything and I think the bonding that will take place while he takes care of her on his own with be incredible. They will get off to an amazing start.

So we got home from the cruise last Thursday and the first thing I did was check the mail... no letter. So the next day I called the Dr. office and picked it up. Then I mailed it regular mail to the adoption agency. I guess God then decided that we needed a little drama, because our coordinator called and said that China was changing some of their procedures and if the letter did not arrive by today, we would have to complete 3 more docs which would cause another delay. So once again we prayed, knowing that ultimately the timing belongs to God... And 20 minutes ago I received a call from the agency assuring us that all is well and our packet was mailed on time. So TODAY, the paperwork that consumed us for 6 months is on its way overseas...next stop China!!! This means that we should be on the referral list for October which should come out in a couple of weeks. We are almost there!

Thank you so much for your prayers and for your support. Please continue to pray that God will be very present in this journey and that everything will go according to His will.