When Grace is Enough

When Grace is Enough

Posted by Candace

As our day winds down here, I am completely overwhelmed at what God has done and continues to do in our family. 

Naomi Grace.  My first glance at her face brought the emotion of love to my heart.  This was the first time I had instantly felt that bond of love with one of my baby girls.  Kate was a screamer, so it took a few hours for me to connect with her just because I was scared to death that she would scream for the rest of my life.  Jessica was a decision that I had already made.  It wasn't and still isn't some huge emotional experience.  I love my girl with all my heart, but I don't necessary feel that love as strong as I know that I will some day.  With my sweet Naomi, it was instant.  They placed her in my arms and the emotions of love overwhelmed me just like they did the day I gave birth to my Jordan Dakota.  I thought, "I get to take her home forever!!!!!"

Naomi did not even make a sound when they handed her to us.  There was no sign of struggle or fear.  She simply came to us and began watching our every move, probably wondering how in the world she got stuck with a family of 7. The kids watched her right back. Jordan reached out his arms and held her for a while... didn't even want to give her up... he is such a great big brother.  Kate got really upset as we were leaving because she wanted me to carry HER in the carrier that I brought for Naomi.  I carried both of them as far as I could and then we watched Kate melt down on the Chinese streets where we were already a gawker's paradise.  Jessica kept saying "no" to Naomi, but then we caught her feeding her water out of a cup.  The love is there, it is just very hard for Jessica to share the attention right now... especially her dad's attention.

I can relate and understand.  If I was Jessica, I would feel the same way.  She is really at a very insecure place in her life and we were all making great progress together.  The new baby is an issue for her... an issue that may take a bit to be resolved.  And that breaks my heart because the last thing that I want to do is add pain to my precious girl who has been drowning in it her whole life.  Yet I know that Naomi is ours and is just as a part of this family as any one of us.  I feel for her too, because though she can't understand she has taken a back seat in so many ways.  Even now when it is time for her to be lavished with love, we are divided in our responsibilities and have to be aware at all times of the other kids.

Welcome to big families, right?  There is so much love in this one that I have no doubt that it will work itself around.  Once again, I find myself in a place where I am at the end of "me".  With "me" this is an impossible task, but I am reminded quickly that this family belongs to THE God of impossible things.  My weakness... His strength.  Grace is enough.  That is why in the coming days you will watch as our family unites as one.  Grace is enough.  That is why these girls will grow healthy and strong and thrive.  Grace is enough.  That is why, today, Jessica asked for food and ate more than she ever has.  Grace is enough.  That is why Naomi laughed out loud several times as we took her down the slide at the playground.  Grace is enough.  That is why our boys have not only accepted these girls but have asked that the next additions to our family be brothers.  Grace is enough.  That is why you could never tell that Kate was adopted only a year and a half ago.

And can I tell you that grace is enough for you.  Grace is enough for the loved one you are watching suffer.  Grace is enough for the money that you need for that next step of obedience.  Grace is enough for the day that you are dreading and wishing would only just end.  Grace is enough.

And Grace is a free gift, but it requires belief.  You must believe that HE IS and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.  If right now, you do not believe that grace is enough, then you are not seeking the Grace Giver... because desperate seeking of Him leads to grace and more grace.

I wish I could put into words all that is in my heart tonight.  I wish I could break it open and show you what the Lord has done.  If you only knew how completely impossible any of what you are seeing would be without THE GREATEST God, you would never, EVER doubt His grace again.  I can't explain it.  This trip has been completely supernatural and I feel almost as if I am in an alternate universe living someone else's life.  I cannot even tell you how NOT ME this is...5 plane rides, almost a month away from home already, packing and unpacking, different cities and hotels, 2 new children, etc. etc.  HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH.

Walk on in that obedience because His grace is going to be there to catch you and when it does... well, you may just never want to do anything else with your life.

GO!!!!

GO!!!!

Posted by Candace

"The Lord said to Abram, 'GO out from your land, your relatives, and your father's house to the land that I will show you.  I will make you into a great nation, I will bless you,  I will make your name great and you will be a blessing.'"  Genesis 12:1-2

I could share many things about our day in Jessica's city.  I could tell you about our trip to the place our daughter was found... that it was nothing more than a sewage drain... that if God had not sent a woman there to hear our 3 month old baby's cries, she would not be here today.  I could tell you about the amazing, authentic Chinese lunch we had with the people who run the civil affairs office responsible for Jessica's upbringing.  I could tell you how David and I walked into the dormitory room where Jessica spent Monday through Friday at her special education school and how we shuddered at the wet concrete floors and the thin "mattresses" on the bunk beds.  I could go on and on about the poverty in China, the conditions in China, the orphans in China, but it all boils down to this ONE thing...

People NEED the Lord.  Jesus is the ONLY hope this world has.  And it kills me to walk these streets and watch the hopelessness when I KNOW the Hope.

On the way to Jessica's city, we spoke with our guide about the state of China and its population.  She said that most people in China agree that it is not good here, however, most also think that the answer is money. Many people move to these huge, overcrowded cities for just that reason... it is easier to make money here.  Does money bring happiness... can it buy peace, hope, joy, or love... has it ever solved all your problems?  Money isn't the hope of the world... many times it is the bane of our existence.

the other small percentage of Chinese people think that religion is the answer.  They search for hope in being a good "Taoist" or a good "Buddhist".  If they can keep their heart pure enough, they believe that happiness will be found in good works and good deeds.  But how good is good enough?  And who decides what is good anyway?  For the Chinese, it is the country leadership of the moment that most of them turn to as a "god", letting the government dictate as would a deity.  Others burn incense in front of golden statues (actually copper statues, as we were informed if they were really gold that too many people would try to steal them).  They kneel down in front of chunks of metal to pray.  They set food and drink in front of them as if they will consume it.  For hundreds and even thousands of years, the enemy has had his way in China... deceiving, capturing, and controlling a people so beautiful, precious, intelligent, and AMAZING. 

Everywhere we turn we see people crying out for hope. In Jessica's city, we visited her school where over 150 children with a range of disabilities spend their week days in conditions that most of us would not leave our pets.  One hundred and fifty children that need to know the love of Jesus.  Who will tell them?  As I stared into these beautiful faces today that looked intently at me as if I could restore them myself, all I could communicate was "Ni hao"... the extent of my ability to share my life changing Jesus was a Chinese "hello" and a touch of my hand on a cheek or a shoulder.  I feel pathetic.  I feel pampered and spoiled and oh, so thankful that I could return to my 5 star hotel and snuggle up in my bed with my gorgeous family, while right outside my window, millions of people have to live without the grace, joy, strength, hope and love that can only come from Christ.  Pathetic!

Yet I am reminded by the Spirit's gentle voice that my job is to obey and to pray and then to obey again.  I am not the Savior, I am just a vessel for His use.  Oh that He would raise up vessels... a people of God not content to wallow in their comfort zone where the devil wants them, but to step out and pray bold prayers of "What can I do, Lord? Send ME!"  Until His people start acting like His people, a whole world is headed for eternal damnation.  This is no more true than it is in China, even though it may be just as true in your backyard.  He may not call you to China, but I can promise you that He is calling you somewhere to share what He has placed in you with someone else who needs to know.  Don't just sit there... GO!

Oh Lord, raise up laborers for your harvest.

The Price of Love

The Price of Love

Posted by Candace

Dear Jessica,

Yesterday was a HUGE day in the course of your life...everything changed.  You not only received the gift of a family, but you have a new name and a new life.  A whole new beginning...

As I sat signing the papers to make you ours, the Holy Spirit hovered near.  On your paperwork, it showed your old name and your new name.  I couldn't help but pause to think about the day that I, too received a new name and was an orphan no more.  I paused for several minutes as I thought about the significance of receiving a new name.  Your first name was given to you by an institution...your second by your mom and dad.  Your first name was barely more than a number with which to keep track of you in the system.  You were named as hurricanes are named, with little more than a thought to location.  Your second name was chosen by your Mama and Baba and tells a story deeper than words.  Jessica "God beholds"  Faith "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen".  Like you, I was a given a new name when God adopted me as His very own... I went from "Forsaken and Abandoned" to "Dearly Loved Child of the King".  A name change is a glorious thing.

Unlike our experience with Kate in Guangzhou, the civil affairs staff here did the monetary transaction right in front of you.  They listed your "price" on a receipt and we watched as our guide pulled the stacks of money from her bag to hand over to the director for the "orphanage donation".  We were surprised as you reached out to lightly smack your dad on the shoulder over and over and shake and bury your head as the exchange took place.  You were so upset that you had cost us so much money.  You had no idea that we paid much, much more than that to get you and that we would do it all over again in a heartbeat given the choice.  We cannot put a price on you, sweet daughter, you are worth it all.  It reminded me of the price for my adoption... the blood of God's only Son.  How He gave His Son freely and willingly to pay for my freedom... how though I cannot imagine why He loves me that much and often I react like you, unworthy and afraid I can never pay it back or measure up, yet He doesn't regret His choice for a moment.

When we visited the store after our paperwork was complete, you were very insistent that we not buy you anything.  You wouldn't let your Dad look at your size and you refused to cooperate and try things on.  You resisted our desire to provide for you at every turn.  You felt like you had cost us enough and you would take no more gifts... and I thought about how often I do the same thing to my Father.  After all He has given, how in the world can I ever accept more?  How can I ever repay?  Sometimes it stops me from receiving gifts that He is fully desiring to bestow upon me in love.  I vow to be satisfied with salvation but He is reaching for garments of sanctification and offering them freely.  I cry out that the cross was enough and He is loading me up with strength and hope and joy. All the while, He is waiting for me to accept His love... He wants to pour it out on me, but I have to accept it.  Daughter, you too must learn to accept love, because it's not going away and you will only receive more and more as you find your place in this family.

When our day was done, we took you back to the hotel and we put you in the bathtub.  We washed you clean and we put new clothes on your back.  You are no longer an orphan.  You are a Roberts.  Just like that, in one day, you are changed.  Just as I was that day that the Lord adopted me.  Washed clean and clothed in righteousness.  This, however, did not mean that I would not ever have to wrestle with my past.  It did not mean that I was perfect or that I could forget where I had come from.  Each day has been a new chance to remember that I am changed, that I am no longer who I used to be.  Each day has been an opportunity to bring more of my past before the Lord and let Him cover it with His love.  Each day has been a battle to walk in Christ and not in my old fleshly mentality. And it will be for you too, Jessica, but we will fight these battles together.  Each day I will remind you that you are greatly loved, that you are ready to move forward, that you are beautiful and worthy of love.  Each day I will pray that you will know the height, depth, and width of the love of Christ.  Each day I will watch as you slowly blossom into the creation that you have always been, but that the enemy deceived you into believing you would never be.  Together, with the upholding of the Holy Spirit, we will walk up these mountains and traverse these valleys.  And one day we will wake up and look back over how far we have come and we will give thanks to the Lord that the price of love is one that we can never repay...from the beginning it was meant to be that way.

 

Wo ai ni.  I love you.
Mom

That's When Love Broke Through

That's When Love Broke Through

Posted by Candace

I don't quite know how to start this post.  How do you describe such holy ground as we are standing on?  I am so afraid to write because I know my words will not do it justice.  I think this is how Mary must have felt when she "kept these things in her heart and pondered them".

Yesterday, we waited patiently to be taken to the Civil Affairs office where we were to finally meet our daughter.  The Lord was very near as I even napped a little during this wait and was really not even nervous until it was time to go down to the van.   David, however, couldn't sit still and decided to gallivant around the hotel to Starbucks and the bank.  When he finally got back, it was time to head out.   The kids were excited, except for Kate, whose nap was cut short and who decided at the last minute that she didn't want a sister.  There's one in every crowd.

Our trip to the government office was 30 minutes and besides pent up nervousness included near heart attacks from the lack of traffic organization.  I mean, I really do not know why they even have signals and signs because NOBODY follows them.   It definitely distracted me from the real reason for panic.

We arrived around 3pm and we were slowly piling out of the van.  As I got out, I watched another family in front of us who were obviously meeting their young girl.  She looked around 8 or 9.  Our guide went over to ask if this was Jessica, but of course, I knew it wasn't.  As I watched our guide (who is a fairly entertaining woman that keeps calling herself "fat", which really isn't even close to an issue in China), I heard David gasp behind me.  I whirled to see a man leading our daughter down the street.  We weren't in any way prepared... all the lectures from David about how to hold the video camera and how many pictures to get of what moment flew out the window.  Our daughter was walking toward us.  The boys scrambled for the cameras,  I scrambled for my girl.  I am still not sure what video we got.  This was the moment.

I wish I could say that we balled and clung to each other for life.  Jessica hugged me, but she clung desperately to her old life..to familiarity...to 14 years of predictability.  You see, as amazing as our communication has been up to this point, it has only been that...conversation.  Now it was time for the "rubber to meet the road" and though we couldn't understand each other in conversation any more, it was time for commitment to speak.  So as she clung to her orphanage director, we held on to her.  We aren't going anywhere, sweet girl.  We are here and it is for life.

 

We went inside and signed documents and listened to a lot of Chinese babbling back and forth, understanding only what little our guide had time to translate.  Jessica barely said a word, but they had many words for her.  Most of them to instruct her to listen to us.  I think every one of these people has been shocked at how young we look.  And truly, I am barely old enough to be this girls mother...and not nearly Chinese enough.

My heart breaks here.  Yes, Kate is Chinese, but she was only 2 and a half years in Chinese culture, just beginning to  learn.  Jessica, our sweet daughter, has been raised in Chinese culture by fully Chinese people.  Jessica will never be American inside like Kate already is.  She is Chinese through and through.  And while I completely love this about her, I feel so ill equipped. I feel so "not enough".  I feel like I want to turn myself into a  Chinese mama... so I can love her better... so I can understand  her better.   So that we both don't have to go through this helpless place where we know only time will bond us.  I want to be her mom.  I mean her birth mom.  I want to be the woman who felt her in  my womb and wasn't forced to leave her in the drain of a military barrack.  I want to be able to soothe her fears with my words and not just with my arms. I want to be able to teach her from the beginning of her life how dearly loved and desperately beautiful she is. Or at least be able to tell her over and over that  she can do this and that she doesn't need to be afraid,  because the same God who brought us together will teach us every day how to be family.  I haven't had tears until I sit to write this and now they are flowing.  I couldn't figure out how I was feeling and now as I write, I know.

Last night we took Jessica to dinner with the Heddens.  The Heddens live in Kunming and run the Bring Me Hope camps that Jessica and Katie were a part of this summer.  They are spectacular servants of Jesus (to the point that Amy Hedden insisted on doing our dirty laundry, with only a washer mind you).  We have fallen in love with them already.  She talked the most at dinner to ""Uncle Tim" because she had already spent time with him back in the summer and was familiar with him. She hadn't eaten when we had had McDonalds earlier and this was one more hurdle we felt we needed to make a dent in last night.

 

 

At dinner it became very apparent that Jessica has attached herself to her "Ba Ba" (Daddy).  He was the one who got her to eat something and the one that she would absolutely not let out of her sight.  David is totally wrecked by this girl.  She did in 2 hours what I have been trying to do for 15 years :).  He has been absolutely terrific as have the kids.  Jordan and Nathan have both been so gracious to her.  Jordan melted my heart last night when he asked "Dad, do you think she would let me help her walk?" She has quite a large leg issue and has trouble walking.  He wanted a part in bringing her into the family.  He said, "I can tell she already really likes Nathan."  Such a sweet oldest son, I have.  Kate and Jessica played with stuffed animals on the floor last night before bed.  The connection was the sweetest.  Jessica will touch the side of Kate's face every now and then (to make sure she is real, I suppose... we need that reassurance too sometimes :).

 

 

When we got to the hotel last night, we decided on sleeping arrangements.  We have two rooms...one with 2 twin beds and one with a king.  We decided that Jessica needs to be as close as possible for this first week or so, so we let her sleep between us. We made a bed for Kate on the floor and the boys slept in the other room.

Most older kids come to their families very guarded with many, many defense mechanisms built in to guard against hurt and disappointment.  Our girl comes to us totally and completely vulnerable to the point where I know we are going to have to work extra hard to protect her. And this is a good thing I guess, but also scary and a weighty responsibility that I feel even after one day.  Jessica took turns clinging to us all night.  She whispered "Ba Ba" "Ma Ma" over and over in her sleep.  She cried out whenever she wasn't touching one of us.  Her heart is wide open and it is broken.  Mamas and Daddies do not like things that they cannot fix for their children.  This is hard, but we are going to take it one day at a time.  We have committed to lay down our lives for this girl and we live for the day when she is healthy and happy and free.  Right now, she is maybe 80 pounds (barely skin and bones) of hurting infant.  Even though she is 14, since she is letting us, we will pull her in close.  We will give her all of the love that God pours into us and we will watch Jesus redeem.  In all of this I realize that a promise was not completely fulfilled yesterday, our eyes were only opened to the greater scope of what has been promised.  This girl is more than a girl, she is a testament to the glory of God...

Know this, what He did for others, He will surely do for you.  Don't rest in admiring God's work in someone else's life.  Please don't let this story be just another way that you can get a warm fuzzy.  The world is full of people content to live on warm fuzzies from other's lives.  Please, please, please let this push you to get on board with God... fully on board.  As in "I will obey You, Lord if it costs me EVERYTHING!"  You can live here where we are living.  You can follow Jesus into dark places and watch Him bring hope with your own lives, but you don't just "happen" into dark places.  You go there, on purpose in obedience to Christ...and then you get a close up, front row seat to the light that shines in darkness and brings people out of bondage.  Nothing like it.

The layers are going to have to be peeled slowly, but love is breaking through, my friends.

But the Greatest of These is Love.

But the Greatest of These is Love.

Posted by Candace

It only took me a couple hours after we finished our 20 hour journey to China to realize that this nation is embedded in my heart.  It is forever a part of me as it will forever be a part of my girls.  I don't feel like a foreigner even though I look like one... a deep love for the Chinese people is already consuming me and I almost cannot explain what it is like to be here again.

As we explored the great city of Beijing yesterday with our guide, Michelle, I could not look into my daughter's eyes without thinking of her birth mother...the woman who gave her life...who carried her for 9 months and then felt compelled to give her up.  My thoughts constantly wander to a woman who must be the perfect blend of sweet and sassy... who must have enough spunk to have given so much away in her DNA.  And I can't stand in this place without considering her plight... without wondering how China has given up so much rich treasure.  The people here are not oblivious to the loss.  Everyone we come into contact with stares at Kate with wonder and interest.  A Chinese toddler who speaks only English?  I simply cannot tell as they comment to our guide if they are upset that Americans raise her or that her country gave her up.

China is a proud country.  It's culture is one of great family tradition.  Most of the families here live together...all the generations... great grandparents, grandparents, parents and children.  You would think that this kind of a culture would embrace life in the womb and many want to, but a stronger force pulls on them and they have no weapons to fight it.

Yesterday was a great day of learning for us as we traveled in a van for 4+ hours with a very educated female tour guide.  Her relating of history to us was simple and yet profound and tells a tale of something deeper than the course of human events.  China, from the very beginning, was a country of deep heritage and rich family tradition. The dynasties show us how much emphasis was placed on family, as the emperor power was passed down from generation to generation.  It was also a society without the one true God.  Even Paul was held from travelling to Asia by the Holy Spirit and unable to take the Gospel into this closed country. China even built a wall across its border to self protect it from the outside world.  This wall is quite a feat because it is built on top of mountains.  The people built it by carrying stones up the mountains on their shoulders for hundreds and hundreds of years.  I asked our tour guide why they would need a wall like that if they had mountains already.  She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.  As amazing as the Great Wall is, it was and is fairly pointless.

As China worked to close itself off from the rest of the world and keep everyone out, God was doing a work just short ways away in Europe.  The Gospel was spreading and Truth was making its way through the nations.  Without this Gospel, China turned to the worship of the god of heaven, the god of earth, the god of the sun, moon and stars... sound familiar?  Only this "god" was not the True God, it was the emperor.  They believed their emperor was sent from "god" and was his son.  They believed that the emperor was the messenger of this "god" and so they worshiped him and did his bidding as if he were God.  Do you see the deception of the enemy here... how he mixes truth with lies and ends up with a plausible story and always some tangible idol to cling to?  The Chinese built ridiculously ornate temples to their emperor and planned their calendar around him.  They let him take their sons as slaves and their women as concubines and considered it honor.  Still today, this religion, known as Taoism, is the most prominent in China.

There is no emperor in China any longer, but the leaders are still worshiped as gods.  Chairman Mao Tse Tungs picture still hangs in Tienanmen square and is changed freshly every year.  His HUGE moseleum or tomb is visited by thousands of Chinese every day.  He is the man that clawed his way to power as a man of the people... who declared this nation "The People's Republic of China" and opened the door for the common man only to institute things like the One Child Policy that will ultimately destroy the common man in China.  Because of this policy, couples are limited to one child, at the most two for the minority groups.  If you have more than one child that you decide to keep, you will pay fines and be ostracized from society.  You will not receive the government card that basically gives you rights as a citizen and you will find yourself abandoned by your only "saviour".  It is simply rarely done here.  For this reason, the current generation and their parents are from a culture of the single child.  This child receives not only the parents resources, but the resources of the grandparents as well, since there is no one to share with.  Chinese workers are forced to retire at age 50 for women and 60 for men, to allow younger people to get the jobs in the work place.  This leaves them with nothing to do but care for their one grandchildren.  Can you imagine this society in a few years?  Already they are seeing the effects.  Men are travelling to neighboring countries and often buying or kidnapping wives because of the shortage of women due to this policy. There is a 50% divorce rate in most places as spouses are unable to learn how to live together in peace. Just as the Chinese panda has to be ostracized from other pandas, so the Chinese people are learning from a young age to "look our for number 1". Society has become entitled and somewhat lazy.  An opening up to capitalism has kept the economy flowing, but has also created a great divide between the rich and poor... evidently socialism and capitalism are not friends... big shocker.

In all of this, just as in all of the issues we are facing in America, we see a lack of Jesus... a lack of true Love.  A lack of Ephesians 2.  We are all "dead men walking" until we meet Jesus.  It is hitting me square in the face here where there is no hiding behind steeples and church faces.  The greatest thing that can ever happen to us is the love of Jesus.  It changes everything.  It makes everything right.  It brings us to life.  It IS the point.  There is no other.  God is LOVE.  And that is why we adopt.  We can't keep it to ourselves, we have to share.  If we aren't sharing, we aren't loving.

2 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

11 Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called “uncircumcised” by those who call themselves “the circumcision” (which is done in the body by human hands)—12 remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. 13 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
14 For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations.His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.
19 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

Are You Ready for THIS?

Are You Ready for THIS?

Posted by Candace

You know that feeling that you get when you reach the highest hill at the top of a rollercoaster.  That "Oh my word, what am I doing on this thing?  who thought this was a good idea?  I'm gonna die." feeling.  Yeah, well, I get that feeling right before we travel to complete adoptions.  We have been planning, anticipating, dreaming, wondering... slowly up the hill and now we have crested at the top and it sure looks like a long way down.

The enemy HATES adoption.  It looks way too much like Christ for him.  It reminds him of a power MUCH bigger than he is.  A power that humbly changes the world through love, forgiveness, grace, and second chances.  The devil loves orphans...he thinks he has stolen their hope and their future.  He thinks that the chances are great that they will forever belong to him and no one else.  He loves to watch their despair and their longing for love and a family.  He laughs as they sit year after year, unhelped and alone, with broken hearts and dead emotions.  He likes nothing more than to keep them that way.  So when Jesus steps in to send families to adopt these children, the enemy rages.  He fights for these children.  He fights to keep them drowning in darkness.  He fights to make sure they will always be abandoned.  He uses every weapon in his arsenal and he doesn't play by any set of rules.

I'm so thankful that greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.  When we walk into the calling of adoption, I am so glad that we have the FULL armor of God with which to stand against the wiles of the devil.  I'm so thankful that the shield of faith NEVER fails and that the God who calls is FAITHFUL.  When you step into obedience to Christ victory is already yours, but that doesn't mean their won't be a fight.

David and I have fought for these girls that we are bringing into our family. There have been moments where we were tempted to look back, but we have decided to follow Jesus...NO TURNING BACK.  And we believe that there is much reward in this.  We have seen the reward of Kate, and now we are on the verge of seeing the reward of Jessica and Naomi.  Still I feel as if we are at the top of that hill, just cresting it, looking down the point of no return.  Pray that our faith will be strong and that every trick of the enemy will be easily recognized and combatted.

People have asked us why we would put ourselves through this, why we would keep on adopting...or have thanked us for doing what we are doing for our children. 

One day, long ago, a Man that I have never physically met was arrested and sentenced to death for things that I have done. 

He did it because that was the only way that He could adopt me.

In the death and resurrection of Christ, I see my transfer from orphan to dearly loved child of God...who called me out of darkness into His marvelous light while I was yet a sinner, separated from Him and unable to make myself worthy of His love.  He still reaches down His Hand to those who are lost in darkness and beckons "Come, my child.  You are mine and I am yours."

Dear friends, I look forward to the day not so long from now when I will feel my daughters safely in my arms and be able to say "You are mine and I am yours."  I don't think there is a greater privilege on the face of this earth.  Please pray as we brace ourselves for the biggest hill.



P.S. For those of you wondering, we meet Jessica on October 28th and Naomi on November 4th.  We leave for China Wednesday.  Long trip.  4 different China provinces and in the end 7 of us coming home.  My God is SO big...

YES, He's ON TIME!!

YES, He's ON TIME!!

Posted by Candace

This is going to seem like an odd way to start this post, but have you ever had a panic attack?  I'm not talking about a moment of anxiety or fear, I'm talking about a full-fledged "Am I dying?" panic attack?  This girl has lived with them for my entire life.  Anxiety made itself my best friend for MANY years and held on like I was the last person on earth that would dedicate my life to it.  I have had so many "Am I dying?" moments that on several occasions I have laid on my face and asked the Lord to call me home. 

A little over two years ago, I was on my face at the best worship event I have ever attended crying out to the Lord to change me.  At that event, He challenged me to imagine my life without the fear, without the hold that anxiety had on my life.  He said to me "Daughter, I see your heart and I love your heart.  I'm going to use your heart."  I am so undeserving.  I have no huge talents or gifts... there is nothing super special about me... believe me, there are only weak things over here.  Weaknesses piled to the ceiling, but a heart that has only ever sought to be right with God, to be pleasing to Him, to walk in His ways, to glorify His Name.  My weaknesses often get in the way of that, but thank Jesus that He sees straight to the heart and He lifts us up in His strength and does AMAZING things that we could never even think to ask.

My Dad posted this on one of my Facebook statuses today...

"I turned 56 the other day. But when I was a young man of 19, her mother and I were given a baby girl. I didn’t know what to expect, but I was always amazed by her. It was amazing to hold her in the palm of 1 hand. It was amazing what her little mind could grasp and contain. She always struggled with anxiety but within it was a determination. I remember when we lived in Indiana when she was little. It was the dead of winter, snow and ice on the ground. She was staying the night about 4 blocks away with a little friend. About 2am I heard a knock at our door. I opened the door and there she stood, in her footie pajamas. She wanted to be at home more than anywhere else. She had slipped out the bedroom window and walked home. This little girl, now a strong young woman, still amazes me. These children belong with her."

I tear up every time I read this because my Dad rarely gives glimpses into his heart, but today I saw myself in it.  But I also laugh every time that I read this because I remember that night very clearly and I could only have been 9 or 10 years old, but I remember running home in my footie pajamas (thank goodness they make those again for cases like mine!).  I remember that I wasn't afraid of leaving without notifying anyone or of the dark or the cold, I was only afraid of not being at home... I just couldn't find safety outside of my small comfort zone. 

The anxiety in my life and my tendency toward panic has shaped me in a way that has thrown me closer and closer to the only true Refuge of life.  Mark Bearden mentioned the other day in a Refresh session that the Lord asked him to make a choice, "I can deliver you from your circumstances or I can be your life."  Now that may look like a hard choice to make when we are talking about panic attacks because there is not much on earth worse...as a matter of fact, my worst fear is not death, it is panic.  But ultimately that choice is easy for me, because even panic free, this girl cannot live without my Savior.  I know too much, I have seen too much, I have experienced too much to even think about that question without a quick "You BE my LIFE!"

I say all this to make it very clear that David and I did not make adoption happen on our own... as a matter of fact, we did not choose adoption.  We chose Jesus and He chose this path for us.  He continues to make that VERY obvious.  This time He has taught us much about grace and faith through our Naomi and Jessica.  If I told you every detail of the story, we would be here all night so I will give you just a taste of what the Lord has done.

• We started this journey deciding to adopt again and receiving the referral of a 2 year old angel who is missing an ear.  We decided to name her Naomi Grace.  She has a new name and she doesn't even know it yet!
• We started this journey, not only having no idea how we would pay for this adoption, but struggling tremendously to keep the company and our personal finances afloat. 
• We came across "Jolie" on Facebook (yes, it can be used for good. it's a tool, people) and we immediately sensed a call to her
• We made the decision that God was calling us to "Jolie" (who we are naming Jessica "God beholds" Faith) and that this journey would indeed take faith since she was aging out before the end of the year.  God also broke through all of our boundaries as we had agreed not to do a teenager and not to displace our birth order (moral of the story: never tell God what you won't do)
• We realized it would take a miracle to reach Jessica in time and we began to seek the Lord.  We also asked Him to prepare her heart for us.
• A girl named Katie Hale emailed me a few months later and shared that she had spent a whole week with my daughter sharing love and the Gospel with her alongside an organization called "Bring Me Hope".  She taught her how to pray and brought truth to the lies the enemy was telling my daughter.
• We were able to establish contact by email with my daughter through a translator and emailed back and forth for weeks.  I was able to not only establish relationship with our sweet girl, but also to coach her through some really hard stuff and to teach her more about Jesus.
• In the meantime, it was very hard to believe that we would reach Jessica in time.  Our process had several hang ups and with every passing day, the impending date of November 3rd became heavier in our hearts.  At one point, I literally had to offer this girl up to the Lord and say, "You know what the plan is for our girl's life.  This is Your's.  Whatever You say, we will do."  The same night that I did that, my sweet friend, Emily Flynt wrapped her arms around me and whispered, "China is not going to let this girl age out."  I can't explain it, but after that night I had the faith to believe she would come home.
• Early in the process, I had told David that I wanted to take the kids with us to China.  I didn't feel like Kate was ready for an extended stay away from Mom and Dad and I wanted Jordan and Nathan to experience their sister's country.  We both wondered at how we would come up with the extra funds to do this, but we decided that if God could provide the adoption money, He could provide the travel money too.
• Last month, it made me almost sick to think about how much money we needed to actually get to China.  It weighed and weighed on me. I begged God not to let me be sitting here with TA and no money to travel.  The Lord had told us not to fundraise, but to watch and see how He would provide so that all the glory could go to Him.  Just two weeks ago, the Lord released some payments that had been on our company books due for almost 6 months.  David commented that it was almost as if the Lord had been holding the money in escrow.  We have almost what we will need to wire to China.
• Today I had just finished packing the last suitcase, I had just received all of our passports with visas in the mail, and I got THE phone call.  Our TA is in the system.  the last piece of the puzzle has found its place and we will be headed to China before the end of the month. We have our plane tickets booked and our suitcases packed (we have to go to Loganville for a week before leaving for China to get everything in order at Ascend because we will be gone for 3 weeks).

I don't have sufficient words to end.  I can only say that by His grace, He is teaching us that faith in Him includes faith in His timing.  He is an ON TIME GOD.  He. does. not. fail.  He doesn't.  You think that He has failed you in one situation or another, but what you don't see is how He is working all of it together for good.  I still look back on my childhood sometimes and wonder why in the world I had to suffer SO MUCH...SO MUCH with anxiety.  I wonder why God would let a small girl spend sleepless nights in absolute terror... why He would allow her to be afraid to go certain places... why He would stand by and watch her beg Him to take it away.  And then I remember that I learned how to pray in those nights, that He saved me from many mistakes in those places, and that He heard and answered my every cry even as a child.  I am glad that He chose to make Himself my life instead of making my path easier.

I still struggle, especially with travel.  I feel today like Joshua about to enter the Promised Land and fight some giants and all I can hear God saying is "Be strong and courageous!"  You think He had to tell Joshua a lot of times, there ain't no telling how many times He will have to tell Candace.  Yet today, as I watch Him lower the sun below my sight line, I am assured that the same God who has carried me, as a man carried his daughter, all the way until I came to this place, will carry me to China and back with my sweet daughters.  He will. Amen.